Dailies
Sunday, August 3, 2003
I painted the west wall again. I don't like it again. It's a bright spring green. I like it much more than the turquoise I had before, but I think this green may be too intense.
Wednesday, August 6, 2003.
I'm having a wonderful time hanging around the house. I wish I could be home with the kids during the summer. Maria came over for a bit of dinner and to see my new wall. She agrees that it is too bright. I need to tone it down a bit. I've chosen bad colors twice now and am not confident in my ability to choose a good color the third time. I'll have Maria choose. Something like celery.I'm going to have
to redo it again.
Thursday, August 7, 2003
It's 4:50a.m. I've been up since 3:00 a.m. and I slept only fitfully before that.
I was waiting for Kendall to get home. She was supposed to be in at midnight.
She came in at 3:00. She says she WAS home at midnight but sat out in the
car with Graham talking. Hmmmmm. Well, I'm going to have to ground her. I
can't keep late nights like these.
I'm feeling dreary again. My life sucks. It has no point. It's bleak and dreary. I need help. I need purpose. I need social interaction. The girls all have better lives than me. Why shouldn't they? They've got friends which I don't have and no responsibilities which I do have. I've given up everything so I could raise them. Has it been worth it? It's been wonderful, no doubt about that. But when it's all over I'll be left with nothing. They will leave to find their own way.
It's me that's the problem. There's nothing there when one looks at me. No sense of self. No personality. No person. I'm Eleanor Rigby. I'm going to die alone in my room.
It doesn't help that my marriage is in such a shambles. It's because of Don that my future looks bleak. But I've got some ideas about that. I could, for example, just get over it that Don is an addict who can't support us or even contribute anything. Accept the fact that my husband is an overgrown teenager and always will be. The resentment has been gnawing away at me for four years. Maybe I should just let it go. After all, there is a lot that is good about the way things are. I have more power, for one. So what if I have a spouse with whom I don't want to retire, a spouse who bores me, a spouse I can't talk to? Things could be worse.
I am so glad that Joe is out of the picture. I am recovering quite nicely. Boy, I sure had it bad. I used to think about him all the time. He was always there behind every thought. Now he's fading away. He had many good qualities, which is why I liked him, and I was willing to overlook his bad points. Pothead. Swinging lifestyle. Complainer. Unhappy with job but won't work for what he really wants. Passive/aggressive. On meds for depression. Children from other relationships. I remind myself that if we were a couple I'd have to engage in sodomy. That thought removes any regret from my mind.
Just spent hours working on a T-tunic the Period Way (visit web site). I used a lovely sage green rayon. Nice drape, soft to touch. There wasn't enough material to make the skirt as full as it ought to be but it looks pretty good. Sadly, I can't get the darn thing on. It's too tight to go over my shoulders. Here I thought I was doing so well. I may be able to save the dress by opening the sides seams and adding lace-ups. Maybe. My failures at sewing are why I continue to shop at eBay and the Salvation Army. Also finished The DaVinci Code tonight. It ends like the Mists of Avalon ends -- the sacred feminine lives!
Friday, August 8, 2003
Watched CowBoy Bebop: The Movie. Quote: "I wanted to get out of
this world of dreams. I kept searching for the door that would lead me out.
Now I understand there never was a door."
I feel that way too. I'm trapped in this life, in this dimension, in this three-dimensional space where there is nothing for me. Bleak past. Bleak future. Small and timid, unimportant, invisible, my moments like sand slipping through my fingers.
And Electra says, "Of all the days I've lived, only the time I spent with you seemed real."
On a more practical note, I opened up the sides of the green tunic. Now it works. I'll add lace-ups there. I began work on a white brocade tunic for Michaela. I went to the old house with Dad and helped clean up. He wants to open it for renting by September.
Saturday, August 9, 2003
Went down to Cave of the Winds in Manitou Springs with Don, Kendall and Michaela. We took the Lantern Tour in which one walks around with only a lantern for light. It was a bit tough for me as I'm a little claustrophobic. It's good for me to do things that are hard so I resisted the impulse to run screaming back to the surface. Everything went well until the guide had us blow out our lanterns and walk around in the dark. I became fairly upset. I didn't scream or anything, thank god, but I did get panicky. I'd like to do the tour again and redeem myself.
I realized something. Advice givers say, "To have a friend, be a friend." But the truth is, people don't like you because you like them. They like you because you are utterly yourself. The more self-confidence you have, the stronger your sense of self, the less you need other people, the more personal respect you have for yourself, then the more others like you. The less you care about their feelings for you, the more they like you. People don't like desperate, needy, lonely people. They like people who are complete and happy and have something to give.
Sunday, August 10, 2003.
I do a lot of ripping out seams and doing things over when I do garb sewing. I learning something new every time. In spite of it all, Michaela's tunic is quite beautifully. I'm proud of it. And of my sage green tunic. I'm planning a beautiful black one with beaded trim and a beaded underdress to wear for Crown Tournament. I'm excited to get to work on it.
Friday, August 15, 2003.
I had a wonderful visit with Lorraine. She's been in town for two weeks and has been busy busy busy visiting friends. I confess I haven't tried very hard to see her. The day before she left we met up at Mike's and were able to visit in person. She answered a question I'd had without me even asking it. She said she needed counseling because she was very unhappy with the way her life had turned out. I had been wondering how she felt about her life because her's has been similar to mine only the bad parts have been worse. She's been through a divorce, she's had to move away from Boulder and Kevin's in jail. It's Mike's fault. It's Mike's fault she left and it's Mike's fault that Kevin hasn't been turned around.
It's really neat knowing someone as long as I've known Lorraine. We've had our babies together and seen them grow up.
Saturday, August 16, 2003.
A nice day, but I didn't get done the things I wanted to get done. Instead, we all, Don included, went to the old house to help clean up and move furniture. That took several hours, after which we were all too tired for our own chores. Rhiannon wanted to treat us to jalapeno poppers at BJ's on Pearl Street so the girls and I went then walked on Pearl and bought ice cream. It was a nice change.
Sunday, August 17, 2003.
Sailed today, probably for the last time ever. Three years ago I wanted to become a sailor. For three summers I took lessons and went out sailing on the Sunfish and the keelboats. Now that I've tried it I've changed my mind. I don't like having no control over the power source. You never know if you'll have too much wind or not enough.
I hadn't sailed this summer up until today because whenever I wanted to go the air was still. This morning I awoke to the sound of wind in the branches so off to the reservoir I went. It turned out to be a little more than I could handle. I also forgot almost everything I ever knew. I couldn't get the boat out of irons once she got in. After a long, pathetic and losing struggle to get the boat under control, I found myself blown back to where the canoes are moored. I hopped out, wrapped up the sail and tied the boat to the floating dock. Thank goodness no one I know was there to see me.
I've discovered that sailing is not that exciting except when the wind is trying to knock you over. Yes, it's beautiful out there. Yes, there's a certain romance to it all. It's not a very active sport, though, and after sitting all day I'd rather do something that gets my body moving.
Went to Dad's in the afternoon. Maria is very unhappy that she won't be able to purchase the old house.
Made K and M weed for half an hour. Don thought it was a waste of time. He favors letting the place go wild. We didn't weed at all the entire summer but now the dead stuff needs to be removed. In my opinion.
Tuesday, August 19, 2003
Sometimes I think my life sticks and my future is bleak. Sometimes I'm
happy and feel filled to overflowing with contentment. I felt both ways
tonight.
Thursday and Friday, August 20 and 21, 2003.
First day of school for Michaela and Kendall. Neither is happy about it. When I dropped Michaela off she said, "There's Amber. God, I hate her." It was very funny. Kendall is worried that classes may be too difficult, especially Latin. Friday evening was a Caer Galen revel. I had a wonderful time. I wore my blue tunic embroidered all over with white birds and flowers. I talked with several people including a new family with teens. Tonight's project was painting our blazon on small wooden shields. I brought home an extra and Michaela painted hers.
Saturday, August 23, 2003.
Busy busy busy. A very productive day. A happy day, too.
Sunday, August 24, 2003.
Rhiannon and Michaela helped set up the tents Dad gave us. We have two tents now - our own encampment! I made cupcakes for Pat's birthday. People tend to overlook her because she's quiet, like me. In the evening I went to Broomfield to celebrate Dad's birthday. A nice gathering as usual.
Monday, August 25, 2003
Joe called. Thank goodness I was out. He left a message, "I just wanted
you to know I don't hate you because you're a Republican." So, am I supposed
to call back to find out why he does hate me? I could tell him why I
hate him -- because he's a liar and a slimeball. I've been a complete idiot about
him but don't intend to be so any longer.
First day of drawing class at Front Range. I'm excited about this but can I really fit something else in? I'm got family, work, mythology group, ice skating and SCA.
Thursday, August 28, 2003.
It happened again today, that sense of being trapped in eternity, smothered by the passage of time. I was thinking of the heroine of Ursula K. LeGuin's Always Coming Home. Her father and mother were of two incompatible cultures. Her father sent a message to her mother as his civilization was collapsing. "Tell your mother . . . " What was it?
LeGuin's stuff always moves me deeply. She often writes of the exile.
"Is integrity a realistic idea in the real world? I believe it is the only thing that will endure. Anything less is simply attempting to build a society, or a city, or a life on a foundation of illusion" from an Amazon.com review of her book City of Illusions.
This evening I made a tunic for Zack who is coming with us this weekend. Also finished Michaela's white tunic and worked a bit on my sage green one. And bought a few more camping items at WalMart.
Friday, August 29, 2003.
It was "Tell your mother not to wait, not to wait for me."
We had planned to leave today for the Heroes and Legends SCA event but rain prevented us. Rhiannon, Zack and I went to see Pirates of the Caribbean instead. Michaela was going to come but she got left behind by mistake -- her own. She thought we were leaving to walk the dog instead of leaving for the movie. The movie was quite enjoyable and showed Orlando Bloom to be a handsome heartthrob. He's worth the price of admission.
Saturday, August 30, 2003.
Heroes and Legends! Tons of fun. We brought Zack Seaman and our dog with us. Got into camp about 12:30, pitched out tents, put on our garb, went to watch the fighters. It was a bit of a chilly day with rain in the evening. My sleeping bag alone of all the bags got wet.
Sunday, August 31, 2003.
Much nicer today with enough sun to dry the wet things. Walked around looking at things and talking to people. Put on mundane clothing and went for a hike. Mortality settled over me again, suffocating. It was a difficult day. Took the kids into town for ice cream in the evening. Later went to Bardic Circle with Rhiannon. We stayed from beginning to end, 3.5 hours. It was wonderful. Bardic makes it all worthwhile.
I Thought You Loved Me More Than That; ExplodingDog.com