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Old entries:
1, writer's
repose Freetalk - 05 30 04 - You're luckier than you think. Currently listening
to: Time written: Time finished: The pain you feel when someone gets angry at you can be so draining sometimes. Usually the pain is best said as "anguish" (somewhat a more suitable word). What would you do if all your life, your parents practically kept you in a "cage"? All your life you are not allowed to do anything that a normal child or teenager or person of normal birth may do. One of my relatives has that problem. Long story, but in summary it's almost as if they're purposely trying to chain him up from the world. That's totally wrong. Responsibilities are inherent in us. In all that we do, we take responsibility for ourselves and others around us. We are responsible for what we have to do, and what we should not do. It's so easy to miss these because of our tendency to think of ourselves too much, or to think of our desires too much. With this manner of thought, we would quickly lose sight of the effects of our actions. When someone takes responsibility from you, make sure you are still able to manage resonsibilities. Those people may not be there in the future to help. Sigh, quite a late post, I feel sleepy. So many things have happened today, and I should start to get some rest. Chiara: üüü Be seein' ya, Chase
Freetalk - 05 26 06, 05 28 04, 05 29 04 - Things may not be as different as they seem. Currently listening
to: Time written: Time finished: There are times when you want so much to tell a story, but later find out that you can't, simply because "today" was not the day it happened - as if the essence of the story got stuck in that past day of when the story was born. It can be annoying, that's for sure, when you're just itching to get it out of your system or just wanting to proclaim it to the whole world. In the days and weeks prior to this one, so many things have happened. I can't seem to retell them with much fervor as I would have, if I said it then, unfortunately. I started to write a story about what happened to me, but I thought it was pretty lame, so I just dropped it from this. I figured I'd rather just do some deep writing again like before. Have you ever wondered why people change? It's no use wondering, because people will continue to change and for varying reasons. Change is most constant - it will affect everything and everyone. In each breathing moment in our lives we are changing in ways that we may not notice, even in the simplest of ways. Change at the same time can be so *not* constant, in the sense that changes on some thing may be so radical, and at some time may be so minor and unnoticeable. The question to ponder then, is, as much as how something has seemingly changed, is that thing actually changed? Most often we are given opportunities, and people decide to bring it upon themselves to impose on you to grab the opportunity. It would have been good if they just advised you about the chance, but it's a whole different issue when they force you to grab it. Some opportunities may be great, and some would say that any opportunity such as that should be taken no matter what, lest it slip away into someone else's hands. However, of what use is a good opportunity if one will not be able to get the most out of it? You will only be able to waste that opportunity. Selfish? Maybe. Smart? As long as you know what you're doing. The best people are those who see opportunity and know how and when to get it, and how to use it and for what purpose. On the reverse side of the coin, taking an opportunity means losing another opportunity (which may noit have presented itself yet - this is somewhat related to one of my previous freetalks). Just be smart and know what's good for you. My brother wrote once (I don't know where he got this) that, "When you raise your hands to praise the heavens, forget not the earth beneath your feet." Another of his ramblings? Rather, I'd like to think of it as a reminder... of not to ask for something so large and impossible to give, for we are all such small, incomparable beings compared to the heavens above us. There is nothing wrong in asking, but remember to be humble... or polite, at least! : ) Be seein' ya, Chase
Freetalk - 05 19 04 - : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) Currently listening
to: Time written: Time finished: Ah, nice to be back. I've been so busy that I haven't gotten the time to manage this site. I even owe a friend some stuff (well, owe her some work I have yet to finish... hopefully by the end of the week I can do it). May 16! Chiara's birthday! Wahoo! Thankfully she really liked (hopefully!) the gift I gave her... It was just too bad that she had her birthday in between two tests. On the day before her birthday, we had a math quiz (so we had to study 'til late hours) and then two days later, we had our finals. So imagine that, it almost looked as if she wouldn't get to have any fun... Of course I'm sure circumstance knows when we need rest, and it surely was given to her. Give or take some plans came through, while some got cancelled. In the end she had a smile on her face that could only come from someone so happy. On the evening of the 15th she invited me to go with her and her family (well some of them) to an amusement park (to be exact, they told her she could invite me... I hope she didn't feel imposed or anything). I asked my mom if I could go, and she answered my text message with a delightfully surprising "K". No orders to come home early, no questions on how I would go there, no nothing! It felt good that she didn't have to worry about me so much... I felt as if she has trust in my capabilities. The trip to the park was kinda long, but of course the time will never be enough for me as long as I'm with her. The park was going to close 3 hours after we got there, so we had to rush through all of the good rides. Suffice to say, I was just about ready to puke after 4 rides of almost non-stop spinning. How embarassing it would be if I actually puked on the ferris wheel... sigh, I really wanted to start a romantic scene but then I was too dizzy to do anything... I tried my best to make her happy though, so I still rode with her even if I felt sick. It was funny, on those rides, it was my first time to ride on the three even if I had already gone to the park previously. Heh. After that, we ate at a diner that was open for 25 hours and had a menu consisting of food with names ending with all "si" (eg. Tapsi, Tosi, Longsi, etsi...tera : D). Then we went back to her place and chatted a bit. Then I told her the last sentence of my letter to her (since I wasn't able to put it in due to space restrictions) and she laughed at me! Haha, that was pretty funny, I never expected it to happen... all I could do was laugh along with her : D Some days ago was our final exam. It was pretty damn hard, to say the least. The worse part was that she was feeling bad after the test... I just had to make her feel better, so I invited her to watch a movie (which she liked, I knew it : D) then buy the shirts she wanted. I surprised her a bit by paying for part of the total cost of the shirts. I just love it when she smiles... makes me feel like an ice cream... you know, I just melt. (heheh) Hopefully that makes up for the days I missed to explain. There were still a lot of things that happened though... ah well. : ) Later, -Chase
Freetalk - 04 30 04 - At last? : p Currently listening to: Time written: Time finished: It's been a while since I last wrote something, too bad I had to break my writing streak of before. Busy as usual, with my summer classes and all. A few days ago I spent a part of my afternoon with her, seated on a bench in one of the deserted parts of school. We idly sat there and watched the fickle traffic through trees and gates and fences and looming shadows of sleep. Then I thought, what if things were as simple as it was then, where we had nothing to worry about, where all there was in that moment were me and her. But I decided not to break the silence, and for a while I wondered whether she was thinking the same thing. A while ago, after summer class, I watched a movie with her and then later met her friends at a coffee shop. Prior to the meeting, I could almost feel Chiara's excitement in meeting her best/better friends. The feeling was rejuvenating, to say the least. I felt a bit unsure of myself when her friends and us chatted for some time, since I was a new acquaintance, after all. They were very friendly though, especially her male friend, who even offered to give me a free CD of an art program (which I was too lazy to buy for myself). It was cool, and funny, since it reminded me of my twin brother, and of his friend, by which both of them have the same mannerisms and outlook as her friend. Ack, I'm too tired to write properly. I just wrote a short story a while ago already and I'm kinda jaded (until now I don't know exactly what that means, and I don't know why I'm using the word either, heh). I gotta make a layout for a new site too... *yawn* Looking forward to tomorrow... 'Til the next, -Chase
Currently listening to: Time written: Time finished: Have you ever asked yourself, how much are you willing to gamble for your beliefs? Are you willing to stake your reputation, your property, your life? I risked my ideals for a great friend... she was feeling so worried about her grades, but all the while I kept telling her that they're nothing at all to worry about, since from the beginning, she did good already. And on and on I kept on saying those things to her... during which I began to doubt myself slightly more and more. What if she fails, what use would've been my words, my promises? My encouragement and my optimism hence then would be baseless. The day ended, and it ended with me knowing that I was right after all. Knowing never felt so good as it did. I failed, though. I had one failure and I don't have anyone to blame but myself. Nevermind the crappy project my other groupmates sent, nor the messed up schedule of my class. It was all my fault. I guess I was just so lucky that I was sorting myself out during the earlier part of this term, which caused me to miss a few classes and such. Or maybe I was too confident? That's just great if that is the reason, since I've been trying to build that up and keep it to a high for so long already... But she got nice grades, and she was so happy that I couldn't help but feel good myself. I was happy not only because she was, but also because all my assurances became real. You know, it's funny... I was feeling so bad the earlier part of yesterday's yesterday when I received my failing course card, but that feeling got changed so quickly when I got my other grade. The professor of my literature class told me, "Sayang, magaling ka, kaso ang dami mong absences." ("Your grade's a waste, you're good, but you had too many absences.") Deep inside, I was glad that someone still thinks that I'm capable and skilled. That failure almost made me feel as if I was really a stupid, good-for-nothing kid. Chiara, thanks for the help too. You brighten up my day no matter what you do. 'Til the next, -Chase
Currently listening to: Time written: Time finished: I just wrote a paragraph and then deleted it. Of course you won't know what it is about (hehe, too bad ;D). Just for the sake of saying: Whenever I write early in the morning, I will be making mistakes so don't mind them as much. I'd rather not edit anything I will be writing so as to keep it "real" *sings J-Lo's song... 'Cause I'm real... ack!). Haha that movie I was invited to watch that featured Jennifer Lopez reminded me of that song. I'm thanking the heavens right now I'm not having LSS. Anyway, today, nothing much happened in the earlier parts of the day. Just my usual surfing internet then playing guitar then sleeping routine. Later on though, I went out with Chiara (and unexpectedly, a host of her relatives) to watch a movie. Well, two movies to be exact. We went to the mall to see Big Fish (we wanted to see it so much already because of the recommendations) but unfortunately it was only shown in select malls. We just decided to watch Paycheck - it wasn't bad, and provided a real neat outlook on things. After the movie, we went back to her relative's house to watch another movie, "Enough" (yeah this was the J-Lo film). Of course, there was the usual watching of the movie blah blah thing, and then... Chiara's brother spilled a Gatorade bottle from a tray onto the floor, splashing red liquid onto the DVD player and the speakers and the wires. I swear, during the moment the bottle was falling from the tray and bouncing and tumbling on the floor, everything went into slow motion. Heheh, I'm sure you can imagine how it looked. Pretty funny, good thing it wasn't me who spilled it, or else it would've been really really really embarassing. Just my luck that me and my brother's pc broke down. For some reason, it won't power up. Sigh, time for a trip to the pc doctors. I guess my new site has just got to wait.. :| Sorry for the lack of discussion on deep stuff here... it's early in the morning and I lack sleep. Once again, for some reason, I always seem to sleep late and wake up early. I can't control it usually... Good thing I can still drive and operate normally (although I "lag" sometimes now... doh). 'Til the next, -Chase
Currently listening to: Time written: Time finished: I had the freakiest dream ever two days ago. I was in a weird room, weird beyond explanation. As far as I knew, I was not in my body, and I was watching myself do something which escapes me at this moment. Suddenly, I turn around and see this damn scary person that looked like the son of Chewbacca and the Mountain Yeti. He was carrying this oddly shaped hammer. As odd as that was the fact that I recognized it as my mother. I was really freaked out then... but not as freaked out when I saw that monster jam that hammer into my butt (well, the other me, who I was watching as a spirit from the outside)! I could only squirm in imagined anguish as I watched my body writhe in pain as the monster who was my mom (damn weird, good thing I didn't inherit its looks in my dream, hehe) pulled out the hammer with unexplainabled joy (imagine the feeling of going "aaaaaahhh" after a drink of a soda). I even saw all the bodily fluids pour out from where my butt once was. Then for some reason that I don't even know myself, I entered my body (since I was separated in "spirit mode"). I felt the pain again, which felt so real... it was really weird, not having a butt. After a few minutes of squirming on the floor filled with the weird stuff that spilled, I stood up and walked around. The feeling was... liberating, to say the least (hehe). It was like I had this big space between my legs. I remember that when I thought about that "big space" in my dream, I had to get a feel of my "package" to see if it was still there, which I thankfully, remained intact despite my butt looking like a meteor crashed on it. Then I saw my mom, who was already back into her normal looks, and I then proceeded to pour my anger out on her - I slapped her around silly (in that cute way girls do when they get mad, even if they're real mad). Man, that was embarassing. She orders me to stop (which I do without question) and sends me to do something (I forget). I think I woke up already then. I walked around a bit, and I forgot for a few moments that I still had a butt. Really weird stuff. I could say this really freaked me out a few hundred times and it still wouldn't be enough to express my "freakiness" to the dream. Hehe. And to think I had that dream in my rare, afternoon nap. Some days ago, I went with Chiara to a coffee shop to study for our mathematics final examination. It was a bit late already, but I guess neither of us really minded it. Anyway, just to simplify the discussion, we ended up not studying and just talking. Talking about stuff. I gave her this sonnet, which I sneaked into her bag of math notes. She got to read it while I went to the bathroom. From then started this conversation, where I turned into a psychic, and I made some predictions for her. I hope I did well, it was my first time. I guess all we often can do is our best eh? So yeah, hopefully my answers were good enough. I wish I could tell her more, but I guess it wouldn't be right then... Just some hours ago, we went to that coffee shop again to *really* study now. So far so good, we got finished with the first part... I could just swear that the coffee tasted better then. Hm I want a change of layout... too early though, ah well. I still got to study and finish this term paper though, so I'm going to bed. 'Til the next, -Chase
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