A Website Dedicated To Helping PWCs Feel Better! My Favorite Doctor Jokes HOME PAGE          NAVIGATION BAR\ A joke a day keeps the doctor away ~ Stupid Doctor Quotes ~ The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians: * By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better. * Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. * On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared. * The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983. * The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. * Discharge status: Alive but without permission. * Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful. * The patient refused an autopsy. * The patient has no past history of suicides. * The patient expired on the floor uneventfully. * Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. * The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past three days. * She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. * Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. * The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed. * She is numb from her toes down. * The skin was moist and dry. * Patient was alert and unresponsive. * When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.   HOME PAGE          NAVIGATION BAR ~ Final Countdown ~ A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?" "Nine..."   HOME PAGE          NAVIGATION BAR ~ An Apple a Day ~ Does an apple a day keep the doctor away? If you aim it well enough.   HOME PAGE          NAVIGATION BAR ~ Headaches ~ A man comes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. "Listen," says the doc. "I have migraines, too...and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand...especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex...and almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks." Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!" "Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help." "By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a really nice house."   HOME PAGE          NAVIGATION BAR ~ Stuttering Problem ~ One day, a guy with a horrible stuttering problem went to his doctor. "D-d-d-doctor, is t-t-t-there anything t-t-that you c-c-c-can do for my stuttering?" "Hop on to the table, and I'll give you an exam." After the physical was over, the doctor told his patient that he thought he knew what the cause of his problem was. "It seems that your penis is too long. There is a simple surgery that can be done to correct it, but your sex life might be greatly affected." "I d-d-d-don't c-c-c-care. I'll d-d-d-do any-t-thing it t-t-takes." So the man went in for surgery, and it was successful. He came back into the doctor's office a couple of weeks later. "Doctor, I don't stutter anymore, but my girlfriend's really mad at me. Do you think that there's any way to get it reattached?" "I d-d-d-don't t-t-t-think s-s-s-so"   HOME PAGE          NAVIGATION BAR ~ Psychiatric Help Hotline ~ Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline..... If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer. If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random. If you are phobic, don't press anything. If you are anal retentive, please hold.   HOME PAGE          NAVIGATION BAR ~ The Prescription ~ One afternoon, a man went to his doctor and told him that he hasn't been feeling well lately. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor said, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water." Startled to be put on so much medicine, the man stammered, "Jeez Doc, exactly what is my problem?" The doctor replied, "You're not drinking enough water."   HOME PAGE          NAVIGATION BAR   ~ Very Bad News ~ Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news. Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first. Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live. Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news? Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.   HOME PAGE         NAVIGATION BAR     ~ What the doctor says VS what the doctor really means ~ 1."This should be taken care of right away." "I've planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself."   2."Wellllll, what have we here....?" Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.   3."We'll see." "First I have to check my malpractice insurance."                                                                                                                                                                        4."Let me check your medical history." "I want to see if you've paid your last bill before I spend anymore time with you."   5."Why don't we make another appointment later in the week." "I'm playing golf this afternoon, then I've got a date." -or- "I need the money, so I'm charging you for another office visit."                                                                                                                                                 6."I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor."                                        "I hate those guys mooching in on our fees."   7."Hmmmmmmmmmm." Since he hasn't the faintest idea of what to do, he is trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt. (Proctologists also say this a lot.)   8."We have some good news and some bad news." The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW; the bad news is you're going to pay for it.   9."Let's see how it develops." "Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured."              10."Let me schedule you for some tests." "I have a 40% interest in the lab."   11."I'd like to have my associate look at you." "He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a small fortune."   12."How are we today?" "I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like crap."   13."I'd like to prescribe a new drug." "I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig."   14."If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." "I don't know what it is, maybe it will go away by itself."   15."That's quite a nasty looking wound." "I think I'm going to throw up."                                                                                                          16."This may smart a little." "Last week, two patients bit through their tongues."   17."Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?" "I can't remember your name, nor why you are here."   18."This should fix you up." "The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all symptoms."                                                                                                                                       19."Everything seems to be normal." "I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all."   20."I'd like to run some more tests." "I can't figure out what's wrong, maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one."   21."Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?" He thinks your crazy and is hoping to find a psychiatrist who will split fees.                                                                                                  22."Why don't you slip out of your things." "I don't enjoy this any more than you do, but I've got to warm my fingers up somehow." -or- "I haven't had a good laugh all day."   23."If these symptoms persist, call for an appointment." "I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week."   24."There's a lot of that going around." "My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this."   HOME PAGE          NAVIGATION BAR ~ GP vs Specialist ~ What's the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist? One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.   HOME PAGE          NAVIGATION BAR ~ Things you don't want to hear during surgery ~ Oops! Has anyone seen my watch? That was some party last night. I can't remember when I've been that drunk. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing! Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual? OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. Come back with that! Bad Dog! Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week. Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before? Damn, there go the lights again... Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off. I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us. Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right? What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change! What do you mean, he's not insured? This patient has already had some kids, am I correct? Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card? Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough. What do you mean "You want a divorce"! I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice. Let's hurry, I don't want to miss "Bay Watch" That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that? Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving. Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?   HOME PAGE          NAVIGATION BAR ~ How many doctors does it take to change a lightbulb? ~ That depends on whether it has health insurance. None. They just tell it to take two aspirin and come round to the surgery later. None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary. None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines. Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in. Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.   HOME PAGE          NAVIGATION BAR more to come in the near future..... Don't Forget: Bookmark CFS Success Story's Home Page So You Can Return For Updates & Links!! CFS Success Story is sponsored by: return to HOME PAGE   return to Great Links   return to Happy Links   Navigation Bar (in alphabetical order for your convenience) BACK TO TOP OF PAGE Beware Of A Relapse CFS Links Contact Me Disclaimer FAQs Great Links Happy Links Home How I Got Better Lawyer Links Miscellaneous Links My Favorite Doctor Jokes My Favorite Lawyer Jokes SSD Links Vitamin & Nutrition Links               Visitors To This Page FastCounter by bCentral My Favorite Doctor Jokes   CFS stands for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or Chronic Fatigue and Immune Dysfunction Syndrome.  It is felt there is a problem with the immune system.  Some doctors feel it is all in your head.  But this is not the truth.  There really is a lot of pain.  Some people think they have Lymes or Lyme Disease (sometimes misspelled Lime Disease).  Some people are diagnosed with a diagnosis of MS (Multiple Sclerosis) and some are told they have arthritis.  There is no cure, but there is help.  There is treatment.  There is self-help.  This is a real illness.  It is physical and emotional.  There are relationship problems and financial problems.  There are real symptoms.  Some people think it's associated with AIDS.  Some think it's a virus.  Some think it is caused by stress.  Some think it's psychological or psychosomatic.  Patients are often treated poorly.  I know.  There is often depression associated with CFS.  That's why I've included Doctor Jokes and Lawyer Jokes.  You can apply for SSD or Disability Benefits if you have CFS.  You get this from the Social Security Administration. There are groups that offer alternative treatments.  CFS, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Chronic Fatigue and Immune Dysfunction Syndrome, AIDS, Lyme Disease, Immune System, MS, Multiple Sclerosis -some people think these may all be related in some way. Diagnosis is difficult. Self-help is available. A cure for this illness is not. Treatment for your symptoms depends on your relationships with your doctors and lawyers. Jokes help relieve tension. CFS may be a virus. Some say it's psychological or psychosomatic or related to arthritis or emotional upset. It can ruin your financial situation. You can get help for depression. You can qualify for SSD (Social Security Disability) by contacting the Social Security Administration. Alternative treatments may be the best way to deal with CFS.