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Here's some top tips for my friends.....
| ARSEnal, ROTTENHAM HOTSPURTZ & MANURE: Jealous of Chelsea's new found wealth and success. Why not use the FA to "tap" Abramovich for some cash and deduct some points so you have a better chance next year! | ENGLISH FA: By removing your head from your ass - it is incredible the new perspective you can get ;) |
| CAR THIEVES: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat. | DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way. |
| WANKERS: Save yourself a great deal of embarrassment by checking that none of your housemates have come home from work sick and are sleeping in their rooms before you put a porn vid on in the living room with the volume on high. | IN A RUSH? Cook your breakfast egg in half the time by replacing the water in the pan with commercially available brake fluid which boils at 200ºc. |
| SAD PEOPLE: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc. | GUYS: If your lady's reluctant to swallow, make her eat halloumi cheese to get her used to the taste. |
| CINEMA GOERS: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a piss before the film starts. | BARE PATCHES ON YOUR LAWN: Simply stop mowing a patch at the side and let it grow to a significant length. Then, with a rake, sweep it over the bare patch like Sir Bobby Charlton and TV's Robert Robinson do, to create a realistic look of healthy growth. |
| EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin. | EMPLOYEES: Avoid being hired by companies by immediately tossing half the ads into the bin. |
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