“Let the Yokels Speak” (Posted January 15, 2005)

I received a questionnaire from a Michigan State University professor of environmental studies. It was lengthy but could have been done in 20 minutes. When I did not respond, the researcher sent me a postcard reminding me of the survey. And then a duplicate questionnaire addressed to Mr./Mrs./Ms. Dunn. He clearly wanted my opinions on climate change and environmental attitudes. Since I am writing this, I am obviously willing to spend some time on the subject. Just not for him. The time was not the issue. The researcher’s apparent bias is the reason I would not participate. No good could come of my participation since the questions were so screwy that I could not imagine the product resulting from this. Indeed, I could not even figure out how to game the questions to produce results that would indicate my views accurately. The National Science Foundation funded the study. Thanks a heap to them.

The questionnaire lost me on Q1. It gave 6 aims for our country in the next ten years and asked me to rate the importance on a scale of 1-5 from not at all important to very important:

1. Maintaining order in the nation. Is the professor stoned? This is such a basic function of government that I don’t know how to rate this and what he expects the ratings to tell him. If I rate it not important at all, does this mean I am an idiot, an anarchist, or an NPR listener? If I rate it very important, am I a Neanderthal or a fascist in his view? Indeed, I couldn’t rate it at the top—very important—since this is such a basic requirement of government that a government that fails to provide it is no government at all. The more loaded word “order” in the question gives it away as a loaded question. Couldn’t we speak of “justice” or “rule of law” or “safety” or even “peace?”
2. Fighting rising prices. Again, a stable and prosperous economy seems pretty basic when we’re talking about what the government should do. I suppose if my income was adjusted for inflation and I had huge loans outstanding I might think encouraging rising prices would be good, but just what is this question getting at? Also, are we experiencing rising prices? His question seems to imply we are experiencing it now. But what does this mean numerically? Two percent inflation? Seven? Twelve? The question is so vague that no answer would work for me. Assuming we do not have rising prices, I could say not at all important. Assuming that any hint of rising prices would be bad, I could say with equal conviction very important.
3. Protecting freedom of speech. Hmm. How important is this? Very important. But is the question assuming we don’t have it or it is threatened? Is the questioner assuming the Patriot Act has chilled speech or something? Given that I think this constitutional right is intact and thriving, do I say not at all important? Will this be interpreted as being a satisfied free citizen or a rightwing nutball eager to ban books? If I answer that it is very important do I imply that I think it is threatened? Again, when I can’t even deduce what answer will convey what I think, how useful is this?
4. A stable economy. Why is this separate from fighting rising prices? Isn’t this a basic function of government? Am I so wealthy that I can look down at the masses and answer not at all important knowing I can prosper in any economic environment?
5. Progress toward a less impersonal and more humane society. Huh? The professor is speaking of goals for the next decade. Am I to start with the assumption that we live in an impersonal and inhumane society? I assume so since I am being asked if this is one of six goals we should pursue. By including this one we are presumably excluding as our society’s goal getting Meg Ryan to ask me out to dinner. Or something important to you. My point is that this is a pretty silly goal to highlight when we could include many others. Why is this included? What does the answer indicate to the researcher about the person answering? I guess I’d have to answer not at all important but will this be interpreted by the big MSU mainframe as being a cold robot?
6. Giving people more say in important government decisions. We don’t have that? Or is the researcher implying that we need more referenda on issues? Does he want referenda on national issues? Is he unhappy with a republican form of government directed by lobbying and public opinion? What does this question say about the professor’s view of our democracy and how will my answer be interpreted? I think it is not at all important because I think we have an important say in our government. Or am I to be scored a fascist drone eager to be led? If I say very important because in abstract I think this is an important right, will I be seen as supporting an assumption that we do not have a say in government decisions?

Honestly, this is so incredibly loose in its scope of interpretation that I cannot see how this survey will be of any use at all. Believe me, I’d love to send my opinions on global warming and our reaction to it. But this survey is garbage and I’m only on question 1!

Then I’m asked if I’ve read books or articles on climate change. That’s reasonable. But then I’m asked in a scientist’s survey if I’ve seen The Day After Tomorrow! Why not ask if I’ve seen the animated movie Ice Age?

Once we get to question 3 and forward, I see that the thrust of the questioning is to determine whether I think the economy is good and whether we could afford to implement anti-global warming strategies. Some of the questions are even reasonable in asking about attitudes about the future, although some seem designed to elicit answers that will bolster the case for sacrificing now for the sake of a better future. Who, when asked if “I only act to satisfy immediate concerns, figuring the future will take care of itself” is an attitude characteristic of the reader, will say “extremely characteristic” when most of the statements talk about sacrifice for the long-term common good? Perhaps if some of the statements were along the lines of “I think global warming activists dishonestly portray the science to maintain a sense of crisis,” then this section wouldn’t be so biased in favor of assuming global warming is a real threat.

And in the next section about the environment and climate change, isn’t “our troubles in the Middle East are mostly about oil” a political question? I mean, I’m no soil scientist but even if true, so what? Is there some type of assumption that we can magically escape the troubles of the Middle East if we only refused to use so much oil? And then there is the oddity of asking separately whether Michigan alone will be fine or harmed. Yep, Ohio and Indiana are screwed, but we’ll be just fine up here!

The “guiding principles of your life” section is a hoot, too. I really want to see the number of people who said that it is “not at all important” to have “a world of peace, free of war and conflict” or “social justice, correcting injustice, care for the weak.” I thought the major political differences were how to ensure peace and justice not whether they are good. And just who chalks up “extremely important” when asked about whether “social power, control over others, dominance” is a guiding principle of your life? Why do I suspect that in the final results there will be a significant correlation between compassion and the desire to do whatever it takes to fight global warming? The proto-dictators who would put their parents on ice flows (or would if not for global warming) will oppose things like Kyoto.

Then there is stuff about do you trust coal companies, scientists working for various groups, and environmental groups. Nothing ominous here but I’m sure it assumes high trust for environmentalists and low trust for coal companies (or vice versa) in a polarized trust index.

Why the frequency of internet use question is in here I do not know. Maybe uneducated yokels mistrust environmentalists and are eager to lord power over others.

The demographics information is uninteresting.

Even though the professor sent me two large stamped and addressed envelopes, I could not participate. Even though typing this up took considerably more time than filling out the survey, I just couldn’t bring myself to lend my participation to any weight this study might have. Reading the questions did not give me high confidence at all that the study was an open-minded inquiry into the issue. It seems tilted to confirm the author’s assumptions. Except for occasional questions that went contrary to the general thrust, the ideas that global warming is real, disaster is coming, and the environmentalists’ assertions about how to combat this problem are the only real options are clearly viewed as the only scientifically rational way to view the situation. Global warming is a crisis, man! Can’t you see? Do what I say and save yourself! But tell me what you think and I’ll properly interpret it to save us all from our society’s folly.

Have I seen The Day After Tomorrow, indeed. Hey professor, nobody saw that movie. Perhaps the National Science Foundation would have been better off buying used copies of the movie from Blockbuster rather than funding this questionnaire.

“Free At Last!” (Posted October 7, 2004)

I’m pleased to say that Andie MacDowell is a free woman now.

I’m not saying I have a realistic shot at her. I’m just saying. Well, and drooling, too. Bravo, Andie, bravo.

Oh, and the caption calls her an “actress!” I’ve noticed that women are often just called “actors” nowadays in some politically correct but anatomically incorrect trend. Andie MacDowell is surely an actress and this picture leaves no doubt of that.

“More Marketing Genius” (Posted May 22, 2004)

Time for another round of what the Hell were they thinking when they sent me this?

I know, with universal data bases that cross index my purchases, video rentals, book borrowing, blood type, and quite possibly my fingernail clippings so they get my human genome down, the marketing geniuses are supposed to niche market me into a cubby hole so accurate that when they reach out to sell me something I’ll scream in joy, “My God, I want that—now!” They, in turn, will never again waste a stamp reaching out to somebody who would never identify with the seller.

That day isn’t here yet.

So what has reached my mail box lately?

I received a mailing that asked, “Can you identify these lights?” It showed two white dots vertically aligned. Below and to the right, a red dot. Below and to the left, a green dot. Below and to the left of the green dot, a red dot. To the left of that red dot, a green dot.

I don’t know the answer to the question. But I’m helpfully told, “If you’re anywhere near this vessel at night, you’d better understand these lights—because it’s a tug with a tow alongside, and he’s heading straight at you!”

They are trying to sell me a subscription to Professional Mariner with a free copy of Professional Mariner’s Pocket Rules of the Road. Now this isn’t the biweekly Newsweek or US News subscription offers I receive. The flyer proudly notes that 30,000 readers rank this the most valuable of all industry magazines (based on the publisher’s own data, it says). Why would they solicit me? Sure, I’ve purchased a swim board and some pool shoes in the last year, but other than that, what? I just need to say that if I ever need to know that, my life is truly screwed up.

Then there is this offer, helpfully beginning, “! Finalmente en Ann Arbor.” Apparently, if my keen powers of deduction are correct, finally, there is something important in Ann Arbor. Oh what could it be? I open it up. “Disfruta del major service en Ann Arbor por menos dinero con Talk America.” And in big numbers, “$19.95.” Something is under $20! It’s clearly in Ann Arbor and there is a picture of a barefoot woman talking on the phone. It’s some type of phone plan! Yes, and if I don’t miss my mark, “…y con beneficios para hacerdte sonreirs:” explains the benefits of having hacerdte sonreirs.

What does that mean?

Hold it, I can talk to people in Mexico for 8.9 cents “por minuto” (which, I’d say is “per minute” or my name isn’t El Brian Jesus Ciudad Dunnalajara) and Puerto Rico for 5.5 cents a minute. Then I thought, I have had an article translated into Spanish (that really tickles me to no end: “Brian Dunn, his writings have been translated into Spanish and Portugese (really!) to reach wider audiences on three continents…” I really need a publicist. But I digress.), so why not?

I was almost ready to sign up for whatever this is giving me until I read that if I subscribed to the United World plan I would “eliminaremos el cargo mensual de $6.95!” I don’t even want to know what “cargo mensual” is and why I need to presumably eliminate it for seven dollars.

These two examples of niche marketing are really off.

Then, American Express, which already has me as a customer for one of their cards, sends me a postcard. It announces, “Your skills help students grow. Now they can help your career grow, too.” Um, thank you. It’s nice to be appreciated. An attractive woman is on the cover. She’s getting up there in age a bit but so am I.

So I flip it over. It starts, “You made the choice to be a teacher because you enjoy sharing knowledge…”

Ah, they think I’m a teacher. And they want me to become a financial advisor for them! This is actually tempting me to a career change! Wow. Now I’ll admit that until a little over twelve years ago, I was a teacher. Part time. At a community college. Introductory American history. But it has been a while. Am I allowed to pitch investments based on twelve-year-old knowledge? Just odd all the way around. Pitching to me as a teacher and trying to get me as an employee.

My confidence in and fear of the universal data base are both low so far.

Then we get to the really good stuff. John Kerry wrote me. He starts, “Dear Friend”. It is fairly banal. Nothing really outrageous in its twisting of our country’s last three years to suit Kerry. Par for the course. The only thing I find truly interesting is that he promises that he’s for “creating thousands of new jobs and replacing broken promises with a real plan.” Thousands? That’s his written promise? On TV he’s promised what, 8 million in his first term? But on paper he’s a little more cautious. Thousands will be created under his guiding hand—his plan. But how can you not trust a man who thanks me for my “passionate commitment to our cause.” Holy crud, that vaunted Republican Attack Machine ® better get rolling soon.

On the bright side, it came with a postage-paid envelope. I’ll send it back. Maybe they can reuse it.

I received another “Dear Friend” letter. This one is from America Coming Together. Ellen R. Malcolm is the president, whoever she is, and she believes I am a committed activist. Fine. She wants to insult me right off the bat by calling me an “activist.” Then they say that they are committed to electing “progressive candidates.” That means “socialists too smart to admit they are liberals.” They point out that an unemployment rate of less than 6%, record lows in interest rates, tame inflation, and robust GDP growth constitute our economy in “a shambles.”

Now that’s nuanced.

But I have hope. They assure me that they are counting on my financial support and personal participation. They too provided a postage-paid envelope. It’s in their hands already I’d guess.

I have to say, the political stuff really gets me. Am I the only one getting clearly misrouted material? Or do they just assume an Ann Arbor resident is with them?

Finally, I have one small item that really isn’t marketing strictly speaking. I bought a deck storage box for my patio and the box clearly notes that it is a “Deck Box With Seat.” Yet after I put it together I noticed the instruction sheet (grandiosely called the “owner’s manual”) warnings: “Do not sit or stand on lid.” This followed six ordinary warnings about storing near heat and whatnot and was followed by an odd warning not to store items on the lid. Huh? But this only distracts me from the real puzzlement:

I can’t sit on the seat?

Didn’t the lawyers for Suncast consult with the guys who made the box for the deck box with seat? I admit the owner’s manual just says deck box, leaving off the box’s prominent boasting of “with seat.” But really. If I keep that box and fall through the lid in some horrible patio accident, I bet I can get six figures. Especially when I tell them that the sealed box did not contain the four end caps that the instructions clearly called for.

All in all, I’d say Big Brother is still about 3 years old.

Marketing as a profession still doesn’t impress me.

“Hear This One, Ohio” (Posted February 25, 2004)

And be afraid you Toledo-stealers:

A biologist has confirmed the sighting of a real Michigan wolverine, about 200 years after the species was last seen in the state that uses the small but ferocious animal as its unofficial nickname

That which was ours is ours again.

We are the Wolverine State!

“Is This A Great Country? Or What?” (Posted February 25, 2004)

I just received my check for $13.86 since courtesy of a class action suit against the rapacious recording industry.

The bastards have been ripping me off for years, apparently. Charging too much for CDs and we caught them. And now I carved nearly 14 bucks out of their corporate hide. Gouge me, will you?! Not a chance.

I heard about the case and signed up. What the heck. It was a web site and I had purchased CDs in the timeframe in question. I was clearly victimized. And I’m not just talking about the Semi-Sonic CD that I bought and which I simply do not listen to. As it turns out, their hit single was the only thing on the CD I liked. The check makes up for that, I guess.

I feel a little guilty about it. Oh, I’ll cash the check, don’t get me wrong. I’m not a fanatic. But did the industry really screw me over? Was I gouged? I mean, taking into account inflation, are CDs really more expensive than vinyl was 25 years ago? Shoot, used CDs are as good as new ones. Vinyl used was hit or miss and you had to look closely. So I can’t complain about the quality of music recordings nowadays.

And the price? I have to confess that I rarely paid the too-high prices that prompted the suit. I bought them on sale for the most part. I kept a list of CDs I wanted and when they went on sale, I snatched some up. It took some patience, but I was able to avoid the high prices. And shoot, I never even used the ultimate equalizer by downloading free music. Did some of those people receive checks? Do they even know how to buy a CD?

But in the rules of the lawsuit, I was victimized.

I just don’t feel victimized.

But what do I know. The lawyers argued this up and down, and determined that I was victimized and deserved compensation. I was clearly victimized to the tune of $13.86. Now, that gaping hole in my life has been filled in—minus the $20 million in fees (minus administrative costs, apparently) the attorneys collected in winning this glorious battle against corporate monsters that insisted on charging $17.99 for their latest offering. God, I hope at least one of those attorneys had been paying full price for their music in the years 1995 to 2000.

Now I can listen to Courtney Love in peace.

“Metrosexuals” (Posted November 22, 2003)

Metrosexuals are:

urban, heterosexual men who wax, exfoliate and perform other grooming rituals some consider strictly feminine.

Further:

They represent a booming $8 billion-a-year industry, according to beauty analysts. In the United States alone, the male grooming market was worth more than $2.4 billion last year. In Europe, the market was worth $3.8 billion, says Alissa Ostriwosky, with the Mintel Group, a Chicago-based research firm.

I’m relieved that Europeans spend more than we do by a good margin. Of course, there are far more Europeans. On the other hand, lots of them are Russians. I don’t know.

You know, I’ve given up trying to figure out women. But there is no chance that I will exfoliate anything. I don’t like to shave. If I didn’t have to for work God knows what I’d do. I can’t grow a decent beard so that is out. At best I could grow one of those mouth-encircling beard/mustache combos but those just scream “evil” in my mind. But I digress.

Ultimately, I consider showering daily to be my grooming ritual. If women want this type of pampered, powdered, and waxed men, I guess I’m pretty much screwed. Oh sure, I do believe in having two eyebrows, but this is a far cry from exfoliating. I’m not even sure what that is but I’m reasonably sure a man should never do it.

I’m just not temperamentally suited to being a metrosexual. I know this because I have an ancient lip balm. I was recently tempted to throw away the lip balm in my desk drawer since it is rather old. But it’s kind of an indestructible winter emergency lip balm, so I’ve kept it. It’s an official Olympics chapstick, too, and my only uncertainty is whether it is talking about the 1980 or 1984 Winter Olympics. The print is kind of small.

I’m probably missing some major point by debating a mere 4-year uncertainty over what may be a 23-year lifespan. The FDA has probably banned every ingredient in the tube. Shoot, I probably missed the whole class action suit over it. Heck, even if safe when manufactured, Lord knows what it has broken down to over two decades. Yet it still works, although it is clear that lip balm technology has advanced tremendously since 1984 or 1980. I actually have stuff made this decade. They’re different.

I know metrosexuality has nothing to do with sexual orientation. Not, as they say, there’s anything wrong with that. It’s a perfectly acceptable … Fine. Perfectly macho skirt-chasing men can be metrosexuals. Yet … it seems wrong.

After reading this article, I think I’ll hang on to that lip balm. Somehow tossing it feels like tipping over onto the slippery slope to metrosexuality. Keeping it is my firewall against another round of cajone-snipping that our culture likes to embark upon every ten years or so.

I figure this fad will go the way of the man bag. And when it’s done, I won’t have contributed to any part of that eight billion dollars spent annually.

Oh and one more thing. “Beauty analysts?” There’s a job like that? Let’s see, Meg Ryan? Beautiful. Heather Locklear? Beautiful. Barbra Streisand? Not so much. So sign me up. Beats my job title.

“Meg Ryan” (Posted November 19, 2003)

It’s Meg Ryan’s 42^nd birthday today. Shockingly, I did not know this. I mean, I kind of vaguely knew her birthday is a couple weeks after mine, but the actual date escaped me. On the ride in to work this morning, the radio host mentioned it.

On the bright side, I guess this means I’d make a lousy stalker. I mean, not knowing her birthday? I didn’t even get her anything.

Rats. Maybe next year.

“I think I’m Going to Hang Out at the Humane Society” (Posted November 4, 2003)

Most interesting. I have so much to learn as a single guy:

A study has shown that domestic cats infected with a parasite called toxoplasma gondii (search) can actually alter the personalities of their human owners, turning women into “sex kittens" and men into “alley cats.”

“We found they [the infected women] were more easygoing, more warm-hearted, had more friends and cared more about how they looked. However, they were also less trustworthy and had more relationships with men,” Dr. Jaroslav Flegr, who conducted the study at Charles University in Prague, told London’s Sunday Times newspaper.

Infected men, on the other hand, became more aggressive, less well-groomed, undesirable loners who were more likely to be suspicious and jealous.

At the very least, I’ll definitely be asking women I meet if they own a cat.

“Junk Mail” (Posted October 31, 2003)

I’m impressed with marketing. I’ve mentioned that. But this week I was truly impressed. I received junk mail from a company called “Dress Circle.” Apparently, this store burned down in 2002 and they have reopened. It is a store that sells classic movies and classical music–related stuff. I have no interest in this but what really impressed me is that it was sent airmail from London, England. It was sent to me, in Ann Arbor, with the right zip but no street address.

How did they get my name and partial address? I was puzzled until I remembered that I had to register for the London Times or the Telegraph, or some such paper online. I probably only had to give name, city, and zip. So, this company burns down, loses its customer list perhaps, and then buys lists of people from somebody else. I’m assuming that my name was acquired via some path from the newspaper. I do get some “expats” newsletter from somebody in Britain so I guess they thought I was somebody (named “Dunn”) who pines for the British Isles and things British. Sorry. I appreciate your help in the Iraq War, I really do. I’m just not interested in show tunes. I have some sympathy for the fire so you can check them out if you like at the link above.

Interesting how stuff works.

"Well This Explains a Lot…" (Posted October 30, 2003)

My website is 61% evil and 39% good. My main page, anyway. I haven't tried out individual posts--yet.

Make of this what you will.

Here's the site (thanks to Transterrestrial Musings).

"Marketing" (Posted August 29, 2003)

I am not impressed with marketing. Neither is Lileks, who concludes his review of his interactions with a photography company, "The decline in American corporate savvy began the day some school offered a degree in Marketing."

There is some truth to the idea that you can simply over-study something that really should be based on common sense, knowledge of your product and customers, and creativity. Once it becomes an academic area of expertise, there is a danger that it becomes part of the echelon above reality. I think I wrote about this in regard to area studies where a PhD in Iranian studies knows way too much about the personalities of the country they study to be of any use at all to policy makers (Iran PhD: "Mullah X is slightly less psychotic than Mullah Y so we should pour our support to X." Real solution: JDAMs)

But I digress.

Ever since I heard that I am making a mistake with my simple "multi-vitamin" I've doubted the marketers' abilities. Apparently, I should be taking "men's" vitamins. But the ingredients don't show beef jerky or any other dried, spiced meats, so I think it is hokum. In theory, the marketers have so much information out there on us, cross-indexed in a massive meta-database, that they can market to me, personally, without muddying the water with irrelevant data. The repeated calls at home for vacations and debt consolidation and satellite dishes cast doubt on their prowess, however. But the real sinners are the direct mailers. What profile do they have of me?

Let's look at some of the appeals I've received in the last year:

• The National Rifle Association selected me to be a representative for all Washtenaw County in their firearms survey. Look, I do support the right to bear arms. I loved shooting an M-16. And I have moved toward the position that the right is an individual rather than a group right (as in the National Guard). I don't think this means we have to allow free ownership of assault weapons though I concede that handguns are used in crimes and not assault rifles (and the definitions are ludicrous for that matter). Nonetheless, I don't own a firearm. I can live with reasonable gun registration without believing this is the slippery slope to gun confiscation. I live in a safe city and my son would probably be in more danger from my firearm than from any intruder. Now, in the future when he is grown, I can see getting an AR-15 for target practice. They are fun.
• The American Civil Liberties Union has been downright persistent. They insist that I am exactly the kind of person they need in the ACLU. I happen to agree but I suspect they really wouldn't want a whole bunch of people like me joining and influencing policy. Yes, I believe firmly in individual rights. But their hysteria over the PATRIOT Act is just outrageous. They seem to forget 9-11. They also seem to forget that there is nothing really new in the act. They ascribe all kinds of horrible things like we are now afraid to read books and express our thoughts. As if. I think we have taken reasonable, and historically mild, measures to protect our security while balancing rights. Obviously, as times change we can amend the law. But insisting that this is the stepping stone to dictatorship is absurd. They wanted to hear from me? I mailed the empty envelope (postage paid) back to them.
• The Jimmy Carter Center sent me a lovely little token with a home outline stamped out of it. Jimmy and Rosalyn want my help with their endeavors to make this a happier and less American planet, apparently. They clearly don't read The Dignified Rant. The worst American president in the Twentieth Century is lucky that the PATRIOT Act has made me afraid to say what I really think about this waste of perfectly good oxygen.
• I was also invited to the President's Dinner sponsored by the Congressional Republicans. This at least isn't offensive to me as the Carter Center is. And there isn't any signatory who will turn me off to the invitation. Still, $2,500 for a seat is a tad rich for me and even the $150 to get a signed photograph of the President is steep when you consider that $2.50 can get me a card with the President on the cover. Plus it's black tie so I'd have to do the whole tux rental thing. Don't get me wrong. I voted for the President, am glad he is president right now, and will vote for his re-election, but I'm firmly in the non-political camp. I have never made a political donation in my life so how I got on this list is beyond me.
• The Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee also had their sights set on me. The President's Dinner was dignified in tone, at least. The DCCC helpfully directs my thought processes with, "YES! I want to help the DCCC fight the Republican's irresponsible right-wing agenda and support Democratic leaders who share my values." It goes on in that vein. There are boxes for contributions of $25, $35, $50, $100, and "other." Strangely, an asterisk by the $35 amount indicated that gifts at that amount are urgently needed. Huh? Why? Must be a marketing thing. And Nancy Pelosi is doing the pitch. She writes that she is willing to bet we share the important conviction that the nation would be better served and our government far more just if the Democrats controlled the congressional agenda. Yeaaah. Riiight Nancy. I'm truly impressed with her judgment. But it does include a punch-out 2003 DCCC membership card! Why does Pelosi think her friends are prone to be card carriers...
• Not to be outdone, the National Republican Senatorial Committee also sought my opinions. This one had a questionnaire. While leading, it was fairly straightforward. It did not demonize the opposition but slammed them for obstructing the Republican majority in Congress and their confrontational politics. It did raise the names designed to get good Republicans to reach for their check books: Daschle, Kennedy, and Hillary. This survey asked for contributions of $25 to $500 plus the "other" category that they hope is like $100,000 or so. Oddly, a contribution of $35 gets one a membership in the committee that entitles you to answer two more questions. You don't get, as if you had to ask, a card.

So what gives? Am I a gun-totin', low-income-house-buildin', bongo-poundin', Nazi, Trotskyite who likes tuxedo affairs?

My real fear is that they are collectively right and that I'm a conflicted nutcase.

I'm starting to feel the need for a men's vitamin to clear my head.

Our maybe a marketing major was in charge.

Feelin' better already.

"Blog Anniversary" (Posted July 15, 2003)

Wow, I missed it completely and only realized it when I had a rush of horror that The Dignified Rant's birthday might be Bastille Day. Fear not—July 12, 2002, is the day that the Dignified Rant went live.

I am amazed that a year has gone by. I wondered if I could keep it going even a month. Instead, I have filled it with posts beyond my imagination. I had no idea I could rant on at this length.

I was thrilled to see visits spike as the war approached and was waged. And disappointed that traffic dropped to fall '02 levels when the war's major combat operations ended.

I am amused at some of the search queries that have led people to this site. Some have a high ick factor—and the searchers were clearly disappointed at the content, I should add.

Interestingly enough, on occasion I could see that some searches were for me, or least "a" Brian J. Dunn, if not me personally. Interesting.

Web traffic was also an intel gatherer. I could see when journals were considering my submissions when traffic spiked in certain areas.

I have even gotten a few fan emails from strangers who liked my site. No hate mail, so I guess I'm not so outrageous.

My disappointments are that traffic did not build more or stay at the levels reached in early April '03. Oh well. I am hardly uniquely or exceptionally talented and my promotional efforts are virtually nil—so what do I expect? I am also disappointed that I have spent so much time on the site that I have neglected writing for publication for much of the last year. After a lull following the war, my postings inched back up again. I have not written for Home Front or Landfill nearly as much as I would like.

It has been a challenging and time consuming endeavor that I will continue as long as I can.

Thanks for reading this. And tell your friends.

"Hip Cities, Slipshod Research" (Posted June 25, 2003)

From David Frum, a note on Flordia's theory that got me going on a rant a bit back:

Do you remember the media enthusiasm for Professor Richard Florida and his theory that the fastest-growing cities were those that catered to bohemians, gays, and urban trendies? He was wrong. Joel Kotkin demolishes English’s [I assume he means Florida's] work in the current issue of the American Enterprise magazine, unfortunately unavailable online. Kotkin points out that English reached his conclusions by lumping ultra-square Silicon Valley in with San Francisco. In any case, English’s observation lasted only as long as the dot.com craze. In today’s economy, the fastest growing regions are family-friendly, church-attending suburbs like California’s Inland Empire. English's theories were widely reported. Let's see how much traction Kotkin's demolition gets.

I feel that the honor of Ann Arbor has been upheld.

Oh, and I'm embarrassed that in referencing "gay, lesbian, and trans-gendered," in deriding Florida's hipness, I neglected "bisexual." I can't believe I left out that important subgroup. How long have I lived in Ann Arbor?

"Cool Cities" (Posted June 1, 2003)

A Lansing State Journal article from May bothered me. It was a story about "hip, cool cities" and how attracting the so-called "creative class" was key to revitalizing city centers. The gist of it was that Michigan was lacking hip, cool cities and that a brain drain would cripple us (and we'll leave aside the insult implicit in my staying in Michigan). What was really annoying was that in the "hip" meter where cities of under 500,000 were ranked, Lansing/East Lansing rated number 7 nationally.

Ann Arbor was not on the top 10.

Please. I mean the day the home of the University of Michigan Wolverines takes second place to the home of the MSU Spartans in anything but cows-per-capita, I mean really.

I know the areas. I live in Ann Arbor and work in Lansing. I do concede my knowledge of East Lansing is fleeting and mostly consists of news reports of couch burnings. And I have growing up in Detroit as a reality check on what really sucks. A ranking purporting to rank "coolness" would not tolerate such a deviation from reality. Now I realize that at 41 my grip on coolness is tentative at best, but still, people, grant me a little room to run on this. Let's delve into the criteria.

The scale was developed by a professor Richard Florida of Pittsburgh's Carnegie Mellon University. First of all, if my grasp is admittedly questionable, a professor in Pittsburgh is positively an affront to the concept of who gets to judge coolness. No offense intended, but come on.

Let's look at the creative class as defined by Florida. They are 25-34 years old (strike one for me). They are creative minded? (Whatever that means-maybe it means strike two for me) So what occupations do these "creative minded" people with an average 1999 salary of almost $49,000 have? They are, according to Florida's criteria in the article, "in a wide variety of industries from technology to entertainment, journalism to finance, high-end manufacturing to the arts. They can be poets, actors, designers, architects, analysts, researchers, lawyers, doctors or business managers." Hmm. With poets and budding actors among the artistic class in the mix, unless you are in Hollywood, this drags down the salary average considerably. The income for the remainder is pretty high I guess. And I suppose you can fill in your own favorite New York Times or Enron joke if you are talking journalism and finance. It should be a separate issue if we want to encourage that sort of thing. Manufacturing? Even high end? Let me just say that outside of state government, Lansing strikes me as a car plant with strip bars conveniently located nearby. I'm not here to cast aspersions on auto workers and strippers, but can we really say "creative" here? Oh, sure, the explanations to the wife for the husband's Discover card bill for Deja Vu is likely to be good, but let's not elevate squirming under pressure to "creativity." Let us note that Mike Brady was an architect and leave it at that. Don't make me bring up the perm. Lawyers, business managers, and doctors surely jack up the income average, but again I must question the seemingly arbitrary standards of creativity. In another study, attorneys could be the dull suits who creatively get a murderer off on a technicality to find the "real killer" but who are mostly convenient targets for "What do you call one lawyer at the bottom of the sea" jokes. As a research analyst, I guess I won't mock those categories. I could be thoroughly egotistical and say the results were skewed to benefit Lansing/East Lansing over Ann Arbor since Florida could have counted me in the Lansing mix instead of Ann Arbor.

Aside from the very idea of his definitions of this so-called creative class, to be fair let's look at the criteria for the city ranking. The article says cities were rated on "the number of patents per capita, concentration of gays and immigrants, size of the high-tech industry and the percentage of artistic and college-educated people."

This is where I start smelling the cow pies of East Lansing. Patents per capita? How many poets and lawyers are filing patents left and right? And this is a measure of coolness? Face it, young Bill Gates-wannabees are filing those patents. And as much as I respect and value the accomplishments of such people, even I have more basic coolness.

Concentration of gays? Oh yes, those people are creative, right? I half expected the next standard to be a reference to lots of African Americans so the athletic nature of the population would be elevated. Seriously, what kind of stereotype is this? Are there no dull accountants or insurance salesmen who are gay? Is Florida saying gays collectively impart a flair and artistic nature (as well as an intuitive grasp of what the focal point of their living room is)? I have no problem with the existence of a gay community but why on earth would it improve the "hip" meter Florida constructs? Another strike for me, by the way. I may be unlucky in love but I'm not batting for the other team. Oh, and even I know that "gay" is insufficient. The proper term for the truly hip would be "gay, lesbian, and trans-gendered." Ha. And I'm not hip for knowing that tidbit?

Then we have immigrants. You know, I'm all for the whole melting pot thing. I think immigrants who assimilated and became Americans made this country great. I'm the grandson of immigrants yet my presence does not make the city cool for this heritage. But someone right off the boat (or the semi-trailer) imparts hipness? I'm sure all the illegals working in gardening and construction sites will be thrilled to find out they made a city hip. Or is Florida hinting that the high-income, gay, attorneys need somebody other than poets to foam their milk at the local Starbucks? As I said, immigration is great. I love St. Patrick's Day. But I like it because it has been Americanized into a day of excessive drinking and renditions of Whiskey in the Jar that are unacceptable any other day. In Ireland they go to church On St. Patty's Day. Indeed, I think it will be a happy day when the beginning of Ramadan in America is the cue for a three-day furniture blowout sale. We will know that our country's Islamic population is truly Americanized and accepted then. Actually, one of the greatest things on TV I've seen illustrating our country was a story about Yao Ming, the Chinese pro basketball player. The reporter was an Asian American who did not speak Chinese. Yao's interpeter facilitated the interview. The interpreter was some pasty-skinned white guy! Is this a great country, or what? But still, like gays, immigrants are just fine but why would they automatically improve the hipness scale?

Then there are the artistic folks (strike four by now for me I suppose). I don't know how much Florida stretches this category to get a high-income population but the artistic types I see in Ann Arbor can't afford the lattes that the immigrants are pouring. I guess it is nice to have somebody the doctors can toss dollar bills to as they listen to their artsy bongo playing on the way to the Power Center for a concert (and a foamy coffee drink after, of course-God, I'd be a great date if only I was willing to do stuff like that). The reality is that if there is enough money and interest, the artistic types will travel from wherever they have affordable housing to play in places like Ann Arbor. They don't have to live above the coffee shop to perform in the poetry reading there on Friday night. They can wake up an hour earlier, say 7:00 p.m., and hop in their van.

Finally, we have college-educated people. I think the bitter memories of professor Florida from high school have led him astray here. I'm all for smart, college educated people, but driving in the smart track in high school was not the way to social nirvana. The bitterness of that experience for Florida has clearly set him on a vendetta to redeem his poor social status of his youth."Hah!" he said, "I've got a freaking PhD! I'll redefine what 'hip' is! That'll show those cheerleaders and football players! It'll have footnotes and charts and they won't even understand it, let alone challenge it!"

Nice try. I just don't buy the whole risky scheme.

Of course, Florida could have avoided all this biting ridicule if he had properly placed Ann Arbor in the top five.

"Columbia" (Posted February 1, 2003)

I cannot believe we have lost the seven astronauts of Columbia. It seems as if it was only a couple years ago, though I know it was 1986, that we lost Challenger and the souls who crewed that ship. Minutes from home this morning, they were snatched from our midst.

The Iraqi government crows that God himself struck us. It is sick and strange that they would comfort themselves with such a notion. For then, they must also admit that God created a nation, America, that could imbue our people with the skill to build such spaceships, the freedom to dream that drove us to reach for the sky in the confines of those fragile shells, and the hope that drew those from other lands to come here to make their dream of space flight real. If God snatched these astronauts from us, He gave them to us in the first place. And He has given us many more who will build and fly even better ships to distant destinations. He has given our nation the freedom to imagine horizons far beyond our own.

And if God's hand is in this, it must also be true that He has given the Iraqi people a brutal dictator who can only dream of using other people's technology to build weapons that would kill in mass numbers; and who places the hopes of his own survival in the suicide of his people.

I know not what God has said to us all with this tragedy. I do not believe that God meddles in our daily lives. I do not believe He condemns nations to torture and fear any more than I believe He kills astronauts. God created us free to make our choices and to make mistakes as well. In that sense, it says that God has faith in our ability to chart the right course. That gives me strength in the face of the unknown future.

I do think I know what the destruction of Columbia and her crew says about our people. We reach for the stars and will not give up that goal. Yes, today we faltered and stumbled. We will grieve our seven astronauts. We will weep. We will etch their names on memorials to remember that they led the way to space. And people who do not know Americans will think they see in our heartfelt sadness a weakness that will turn us aside from our course. Such people do not know us at all. As our friends know, and our enemies fear deep down, the goals we set, we reach more often than not.

We will reach the stars. We will harness our freedom for good. And God's faith in us will be vindicated.

"My Hero" (Posted January 25, 2003)

Al Bundy is my hero. Sledge Hammer would have been too, but sadly his show ended after only two seasons and so is not in syndication. Sure, Sledge did survive the nuclear explosion at the end of the first season, but still, Al survived boycott attempts and thrived. Coach Fox was a hero too until his fiancé wimpified him. Only Al remained true.

Al represented all that was right about being a man. Sure, he had a lot of qualities that also marked him as a really disturbed man, but we must admire his qualities. He was loyal, he protected the (nonexistent) virtue of his daughter. He persevered and did what he had to do. Yeah, his job sucked, but he went. He even loved his wife despite her qualities. He endured no matter what.

Al, of course, also hated the French, and so that alone qualifies him as a hero.

Check out the highlights from bundyology.com with my commentary in italics:

Whose Room Is it Anyway? (0106)
Peggy: So, what are you gonna spend your refund on?
Marcy: Well we were thinking about taking a romantic trip to Paris.
Peggy: Oh, I've always wanted to go to Paris.
Al: Oh yeah Paris - where they hate Americans... where they won't let our bombers fly overhead, oh yeah, until they get invaded, and then they come crawling back, beret in hand, for us to bail 'em out - with "my" tax dollars! That's where your going??
Steve: No, no... we just said that... you know... to kid you. We hate the French.
Al: You know what I would do if I had a few extra bucks?
Marcy: Bomb the French?
Al: No, no, I was talking about a 'little' extra money.

Seriously, they wouldn't let our Britain-based F-111s fly over their country when we struck back at Libya during the Reagan administration. It isn't even as if we wanted their vaunted military to help us, just let us fly over your damn country! And Libya wasn't even their ally! The French themselves spent a good chunk of the 1980s sparring with Libya over Chad. Pure anti-Americanism there. Yet they've been unable to defend their own country against threats for two centuries now. They pissed off all of Europe in the early nineteenth century and fell for good at Waterloo. The Franco-Prussian war showed that they couldn't hold off the Germans. World War I showed they couldn't hold off the Germans without the British. And World War II showed that they couldn't remain independent without America. By the Cold War, they kicked NATO out of France but we showed we could defend Germany without them. Bomb the French? Shoot, the English language is beating them.

Whose Room Is it Anyway? (0106) again
Al: "Oh, sure, our rights are not important? Anything a woman says is fine with us? Gee, when did men become such losers? It used to be so great to be a man. Women were there to please us. They'd look after the kids and we'd go out and have a good time. That's the natural order of things. What happened, Steve? I'll tell you what happened, Steve. Somebody told women they should start enjoying sex, too. That was the beginning of the end. Now they like it but it's work for us. Everything's work for us. It's this equality thing, it's killing us. You know who I blame?"
Steve: "The French?"
[ Al nods his agreement ]

Well, Al is wrong on France being behind equality. They're just another evolving bureaucratic entity that is pushing for a EU dictatorship. But the French do make us work for everything even when they benefit from the action. And of course, the idea that they enjoy screwing us is right on the money.

Johnny Be Gone (0113)
[ Al reads a an assembly manual ]
Al: "Ah! Here it is, er, 'Attention vous avez...' Oh hell! More people we should have killed!"
[ He comes across another French instruction ]
Al: "Oh, my friends the French again".

For the amount of annoyance they've provided us, it is fairly sad that we have fought with them only once, in the Quasi War. Not even a full blown war! Trust the French to not even give us that satisfaction. We've basically saved their butts whenever they've gotten in trouble. I must retain gratitude for their help in the Revolution (done to harm the British, not help us, notwithstanding Lafayette's genuine friendship) and the Statue of Liberty gift, of course. I do think some French side with us even if the press and government thinks us scum, so I can't advocate treating France as part of the axis of evil (admit it, the "Axis" part fits), but oh, I can dream can't I?

Fair Exchange (0406)
Al: "A toast to the French. It's a foul little country but they sure do know how to write a check."

Yep, they know money. No war for oil is their motto. That is, avoid war and they'll get money from the contracts they've signed with Saddam.

Look Who's Barking (0513)
[ Al is on the phone, trying to find the German chef Hans ]
Al: Listen, you French moron! We saved your cowardly wine soaked behinds in the war! In all the wars!! Every stinkin' war you've ever been in. Now you tell me where you're hiding Hans, before I... Hello!?!
[ He hangs up ]
They really are rude to Americans!

I know some will say that the 'root cause' of French hostility is Al's attitude. But seriously, who cares?

A Man's Castle (0515)
Al: ... running like a Frenchman from a cap gun.

Face it, it's true. The French learned in the Franco-Prussian War the futility of fighting so they revolted in the trenches in World War I, rolled over in World War II, and hid behind the Rhine in the Cold War to let their allies fight for them on the Fulda Gap and other confrontation points that they only read about. Even in the Persian Gulf War, we put them way out in left field where they could cause few problems and assigned the 82^nd Airborne to watch over them. And now they are painting their armor desert camouflage? Who are they kidding? Only the French Foreign Legion is worth anything and that's what Germans who are tired of their own pacifist government join in order to fight.

All Night Security Dude (0516)
Spare Tire Dixon to Al: "I dropped you like third period French."

And just like the world is doing in order to learn English. God, the French even thought the Rwandan intervention in Congo was a plot to replace French influence in central Africa with English-speaking dominance! Like we care.

Looking for a Desk in All the Wrong Places (0605)
Al, to Jefferson: "She's got you running like a Frenchman in a thunderstorm."

This stands without commentary, like 'the sun is hot.'

The Mystery of Skull Island (0614)
News anchor: "Until further information is uncovered, scientists will continue to sift through the giant hole that was until yesterday the Republic of France."

Ah, we can dream. And what republic are they on now? Most sequels pretty much suck by the time you get to CAR CHASE III. What are the French working with? Fifth republic or something? I'm unwilling to sit through any more, even with English subtitles.

England Show, Part 1 (0624)
Al at Speakers Corner: "Am I alone in hating the French?"
Crowd: "No!"
Al: "I thought not."

No, Al, there's a whole great big world outside of Saddam's palaces and Milosevic's jail cell that despises the French too. But Al knew that.

England Show, Part 2 (0625)
[ A family screams at the Bundy's and runs away ]
Peggy: "We're only Americans. Why'd they run?"
Al: "They must be French. It takes so little."

Not to belittle America, but really, the French really do see American plots all over the place. They honestly think our national security apparatus has weekly meetings on how we can contain the French and harm their interests. I wish. Not because France matters much and we should be worried, of course, but just for fun. Yeah, State Department has a France desk but it shares office space with the Finland Desk. And as a point of fact, when the French tried to install a puppet regime in Mexico while we defeated the Confederacy, once we won and marched 50,000 of our veteran soldiers down to the border, the French packed up and left.

England Show, Part 3 (0626)
Upper-Unctonian: "We're not barbarians. We're not the French."

Yes, for all their claims of cultural superiority, they'll watch "Die Hard With a Vengeance," visit Euro Disney, eat at McDonalds, and enjoy Jerry Lewis. As long as you called it "Le Springer Show" they'd watch that too.

The Chicago Wine Party (0707)
A reporter about riots against a beer tax increase: As if they need to be told, all Frenchmen should stay in hiding.

Wine-swilling scum probably don't even like beer. Or if they do, they pulverize truffles and mix them in. Of course, should one of the rioters kill one of our police officers, the French would make the scum an honorary citizen of Paris.

Death of a Shoe Salesman (0710)
[ Al decides to take a spot to be buried next to Fuzzy McGee ]
Undertaker: Let me know if you DON'T want it. I hear Fuzzy is a big in France, I believed they called him "Le Grand Fuzz".

Must be a Jerry Lewis reference.

The Old Insurance Dodge (0724)
Peggy: Listen, Honey, I'm having a little trouble with the insurance company. Did you know that the French claim that the real Mona Lisa is theirs, just like we did?
Al: You know, it's a dark day when someone will believe the French over me!.

Really! The French say that Saddam is no threat. But they thought Nasser was and invaded Egypt in '56. They thought the Germans were no threat in 1940 (just barely) but by '42 were eager to round up French Jews for the Germans. In the 1950s, the French fought in Vietnam yet the next decade when we did, we were baby killers. In their wisdom, the French sold nuclear reactors and air defense networks to the Iraqis that still vex us. (we sent over helicopters, wheat, and intelligence so that they could kill the legions of Khomeini when they tried to overrun the Gulf region). And oh yeah, the French gave the Ayatollah Khomeini sanctuary in France. Thanks a freaking lot for their wisdom.

The Proposition (0726)
Kelly: "Mom, when you say 'we,' I hope you mean 'oui,' as in French for 'Hell yes we'll sell daddy and collaborate with the Germans.' Ergo, which is French for 'Yes take our country but please let us live to make our creamy sauces,' I say we take the $500,000 and bid daddy adieu, which is French for 'A deer,' 'A female deer.'

Kelly, you learned well from dad.

Legend of Ironhead Haynes (0821)
Al's voice booms out over the mountains: Don't eat the croissant!"

This must be the exception that proves the rule. I love chocolate-filled croissants. I just pray that adding chocolate is an American invention that horrifies the French.

Legend of Ironhead Haynes (0821)
Commandment #2: It's wrong to be French.

Are you even listening up there in Quebec? You don't need to act like little 'Mini Frogs' who the Parisians look down on anyway! They only tell you that you are French to your face to annoy English-speaking Canada. Behind your backs they belittle your accent.

Driving Mr. Boondy (0902)
Bud, to German Heidi: "Pretend like my pants are France and invade me!"

Sadly, the Germans just go along with the French now. It's like they finally got tired of crossing the Rhine and beating up the French for the lack of a challenge and just became like them.

Business Sucks, Part 1 (0905)
Kelly: Some war breaks out in some country I can't even pronounce.
Bud: That could be France!
Kelly: I said "country".

Yeah, it is sad that France is self-governing. If the Nazis hadn't been running Germany at the time, we could have forgiven the Germans. After all, nothing justifies war, as the French remind us today (although don't pay attention to Ivory Coast, I guess).

How Bleen Was My Kelly (1005)
[ Peggy tries to find someone who makes less money than a shoe salesman. ]
Bud: Check "French deodorant salesman."

Their policies sure stink, but I honestly can't descend to this level of insult. Sure, I can laugh at it when someone else says it, but I must retain some standards of fairness even when speaking of the French.

Dud Bowl II (1009)
TV News Reader: Hundreds of organizations are claiming credit for the bombing of the Al Bundy Scoreboard, including The National Organization of Women, The National Organization of Fat Women and The Government of France.

Will all the Hollywood and granola types over here who think France is great for opposing America on war remember that the French bombed a Greenpeace ship? I'm no fan of them, but I do draw the line at something like that. Apparently, the domestic foes of our Iraq policy (which has been to change the regime since 1998 officially) are willing to overlook that little faux pas against one of their own pet causes.

The Agony and the Extra C (1019)
Peg: Al, I'm in Paris. Everyone here is just so rude and smelly. I'm thinking about you all the time.

I do hope that Paris really is the city that gives France its poor reputation here. If so, I apologize to the provinces and ask that when you hear insults against "France" or "the French," please substitute "Paris."

T*R*A*S*H (1114)
Al: Well family, I'm off to fight the forces of evil.
Peggy: Mmm, that's nice dear.
Al: Hey! Will someone pay attention here, they're having me go out to fight horrible people - probably the French! You may never see me again!

Don't worry Al, if it's the French you'll be back for dinner (which Peg won't cook for you anyway, but there might be some Tang Wipe left)

Breaking up Is Easy to Do, Part 1 (1116)
Peggy: Why won't you go to therapy!?
Al: Maybe it's 'you' who don't know 'me'! Because If you knew me, Peg, you would know there are certain things I do not do:
I do not floss, I do not eat vegetables, I do not like French Pastry, I do not like the French...

Man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. No apologies for not liking the French, please. Francophiles are the ones who need shock therapy.

Damn Bundys (1120)
[ Al is playing "hang-man" with Napoleon in Hell. ]
Napoleon: Could it be the letter "P"?
Al, laughing: Hang-man, I win! It's "French fries" you idiot! You're not too smart, are you Nap?
[ Nap puts his hand in his coat, then Al puts his hand in his pants. ]

I do draw satisfaction that the French hate our fast food outlets so, yet we call them "French" fries! And the French flock to McDonalds, too, in their own collaboration with their proclaimed culinary enemy. And what is it with French admiration for Napoleon? He was a dictator, from Corsica, who led them on a quest to conquer Europe. You know, we'd get worried about the Germans getting all misty eyed for Hitler, the Russians pining for Stalin, and the Japanese recalling Tojo with pride, but France can proclaim Napoleon a hero? Oh yeah, we're talking France here. Like they could translate their desire for glory and power into actual glory and power. And note that Napoleon is in Hell.

The French don't act like allies so I don't know why we bother treating them as allies. Even Australia sends troops to fight with us in the Gulf but France sides with Saddam. The French had nothing to do with French Fries or French Onion Dip, so I'm tempted to say they can bugger off. I suspect they had nothing to do with French kissing either, but if they did, well, I'll grant them that one with some gratitude. But I say we call them Australian Fries, Australian Onion Dip, and Australian kissing.

Seriously, the French share some basic level of commonality with us. We are Western and democratic though of different strains. One would think we would have a common interest in defeating the Islamofascists who hate America and France. The French get no credit with the Wahabbis for their anti-Americanism. I just hope the French wake up and take their place with us in this fight. It is their fight, too. Sadly, I fear one possible future is a French-dominated EU dictatorship that will rekindle the violence of Europe that we suppressed in the latter half of the twentieth century. Left to their own devices, they could do some real harm. We can never walk away from Europe even when the act like the French do today. We would abandon millions who admire us and disagree with their own governments. We can win this struggle too.

"Tasty Wheat Gluten" (Posted January 8, 2003)

The joys of vegetarian meals have always eluded me. Sure, in cooking for my son I have added vegetable to meals and put on a happy face while I ate the peas, but as a liefestyle? No way.

Years ago, my ex-wife attempted half-heartedly to instill a love of this food attitude in me (not that she didn’t enjoy a good steak, but her heart belonged to tofu). In particular, she loved a local vegetarian Chinese restaurant, and on occasion she could persuade me to go there. Although I live in Ann Arbor and so, of course, am aware of tofu and various soy products, this restaurant had something I'd never heard of--"tasty wheat gluten." According to Armchair World (www.armchair.com), wheat gluten is:

The natural protein portion of the grain. It is carefully separated from the whole wheat flour by washing with pure water. Gluten is one of the secret ingredients of professional bakers. Gluten is used to improve the action of yeast. It gives the dough increased rise and improved body. It enhances the protein content of your breads and is a necessity when making breads from wheat, rye or other low protein flours. It's simple to use. Just add gluten to your recipe using one teaspoon to one tablespoon per cup of flour, or as your recipe directs.

Ok. I can actually accept that this stuff is useful for baking. Hey, the guys that provide me with cake and donuts are not to be dissed lightly.

Yet this restaurant seems to have missed this salient point: wheat gluten is an ingredient. In this restaurant, it was the entree. Gnarled strips of it plunked down on the rice and vegetables where beef, chicken, or other mystery meat should be nestled. It is profoundly disturbing.

It is also deceitful. Note the descriptive words: “pure,” “professional,” “enhances.” (Argghh! Refrain from ordering six pounds, it sounds sooo good!) The restaurant mimicked this tactic. There it is, boldly proclaiming itself to be "tasty." This, as Goebbels knew, is "the big lie." When was the last time you went into a restaurant and perused the menu for "delicious beef steak?" In my world, all you need to say is "steak." One naturally assumes that it is A) beef, and B) quite delicious. What would you assume if you read "gluten?" I'll tell you what you'd assume, you'd assume the disposal backed up and the crooks in the kitchen were trying to pawn off some kind of refrigerator scrapings on your unsuspecting palate. So, they add "tasty" to suppress your initial instinct. "Why yes, I could really go for some of that tasty wheat gluten!" It works in Ann Arbor. But not on me.

And I know of what I am writing here. I have even used this technique. When I worked for East Quad Food Service oh so many years ago when I was a student at the University of Michigan, I used to put out the oldest tray of salad I could find whenever we had french fries on the menu. On those days, simply keeping up with that was a full time job and I resorted to this trick during peak time to keep a handle on things. Until I got caught. But then, one day, during an Oriental Night (why Quaddies weren’t doing “die-ins” to protest that term is beyond me), I seized my opportunity! I made up a sign that read “Korean Brown Lettuce” and plunked it over the aged iceberg lettuce and carrot scrapes. Other than an occasional, “Eww, I don’t want to try that,” I got away with it. Nobody complained about the special ethnic treat.

Tasty Wheat Gluten, indeed. I don’t care what you call it, I’m on to you guys. I'm heading for McDonalds to purge the memory just as soon as I can. A tasty quarter pounder with cheese, I think. As long as they add bacon, they can even put Korean Brown Lettuce on it—I’ll just toss it anyway…

“Celebrities” (Posted December 13, 2002)

Ok, upon reflection, I was overly harsh on the 100 stars who signed the letter opposing war with Iraq. Their opinions are no less worthy of respect than any other group of 100. I disagree strongly, but I should not have mocked them.

And I’m not just writing this because of Helen Hunt.

But what torqued me off was one, that because of their celebrity status, they expected—and got—attention and credibility that 100 bureaucrats or 100 plumbers or 100 anybody would not have gotten. The celebrity opinions are worth no more than any other group (100 felons excepted).

The part that really offends me is their belief that their statement will somehow lift the heavy hand that has muffled the voice of dissent. That persistent myth—despite the constant noise of anti-war voices in the news—bugs me. We’ve debated Iraq for more than a decade. We’ve debated Iraq far more intensely since 9/11. The pro-war side has been making its case quite seriously and the anti-war side has to a great extent limited its voice to decrying the lack of debate. The fact is, the anti-war side has been making its case and has essentially lost the debate. The celebrities have mistaken the concept of people hearing their arguments and rejecting them with not being able to speak.

So, thanks for your input, stars. I think you are dead wrong—but I won’t mock you for those views.

On to Baghdad.

“C.H.R.I.S.T.M.A.S.” (Posted December 12, 2002)

The neutralization of this year’s holiday season is off to a good start, apparently.

As a service to all of you out there who must attend a “winter gathering” or some such thing, I present my Christmas present to you for what you can suggest as the name for your gathering:

“Collective Holiday Reflecting Individual Sentiments To Mark Another Season.”

If that is too long, use the acronym:

C.H.R.I.S.T.M.A.S.

I got points for originality when I submitted it. It died in committee, however.

Merry C.H.R.I.S.T.M.A.S. to all!

“Stop the Presses!” (Posted December 11, 2002)

The stars are speaking! Everybody listen! Somehow they believe that unless they stand up, ordinary people will be afraid to speak out against fighting the war. The old dissent is being suppressed cry. The idea that they believe this when every opponent of the war gets as much press space as they want undermines their credibility a tad, don’t you think?

But anyway, yes, one hundred “stars” have offered their collective opinion that war against Iraq would be bad. Truly this effort to entertain the (Iraqi) troops represents the highest spirit of selfless service to bolster the morale of the lads and lassies in uniform.

Oh, and they tossed in a retired admiral and a former ambassador to Iraq (this was from the story I linked to yesterday in Foreign Affairs.

Think about that last part. If nuclear physicists gathered to pen an article on the dangers of nuclear proliferation, would they have added Penn and Teller to the list? If a large group of nutritionists gathered to discuss healthier school lunches, would they have added the guy who fills the milk machine? If… well, you get the point. Any group of people with self-evident capacity to speak intelligently on a subject would not need a couple props so that people don’t just dismiss their reasoning out of hand. Even if Martin Sheen does play a president on TV, I don’t care about his opinion any more than I care about anybody else who thinks our president is truly going to wage war because his dad did but failed to get Saddam. Honestly, they believe any ridiculous claim about American motives. Yet they find it hard to believe that a serial invader and brutal thug like Saddam could have weapons of mass destruction or any ill intent.

Sure, they have the right to express their opinion in my view. (though didn’t these folks complain that only combat veterans get to be pro-war and that any veteran against war was the most credible source in the world?) But why would I listen to them rather than any other group of 100?

The luminaries at least had the sense not to let Jimmy Carter sign the letter. That would have lowered the credibility level considerably.

The really funny part of their opposition is that as representatives of Hollywood, they’d all probably get individual fatwahs for their role in destroying the morals of Islamic youth! Never have so many been so confused by so much.

But hey, just remember “stars,” VX is a deadly nerve agent. And VD is a social disease. Anthrax is a bio weapon. And, well, yes, Anthrax is a musical group too, but we aren’t upset that Saddam has their greatest hits compilation. Those CDs Saddam turned over to the UN weren’t musical in nature. Although they were certainly a compilation of their past greatest hits of pseudo-disclosures.

Maybe this will clear up their apparent confusion about why we fight.

To my utter horror, Helen Hunt signed the letter. Sigh. Major crush. Major disappointment. Oh well, I’m resigned to my horrible character flaw of being drawn to left-leaning women.

You know, not stalking-level crush or anything—never wrote her, called her, or even know where she lives for that matter. And me with Google. Go figure…Anyway, just wanted to be clear on that. J

On to Baghdad. That’s a wrap!

“Ted Rall Has Not Ceased Being an Idiot” (Posted December 4, 2002)

Wow. This interview is a gem. He says he feels guilty to be an American, given the horrible things he believes we do. Well Ted, I feel pretty guilty that you are an American, too, given what you do. From there we pretty much disagree. He doesn’t think bin Laden, al Qaeda, or the Taliban had anything to do with September 11. He actually thinks that between one and 400,000 Iraqi civilians died during Desert Storm.Even the Iraqis only claim 35,000 and that is ridiculous. These are such a outrageous claims that I don’t even know where to begin. Unless of course his “one” means an actual “1” and not “100,000.” Then he’s in the ballpark at least, if we go to the lower end. I won’t even bother quoting anything. The man is a waste of good oxygen and ink. I know he’s already on my list of annoying things, but put a star next to him.

How he lives with himself I’ll never know.

"Juxtaposition" (Posted November 17, 2002)

Mister has been a busy boy lately and I wanted to do something very normal. So we went off to the Hands On Museum. We have a family membership so it is an activity that he’d go to every time I have a day off if I’d let him! Although we usually go a couple times per month (and in the summer, the best part for Mister is the bus ride to and from downtown), in the last month we haven’t had a chance to go. Sickness, family business, other stuff to do. Anyway, it was high time we went.

We were doing some of the usual stuff; the new ambulance exhibit was fun. One dad was gamely pretending to be injured and soon his son, my son, and another little boy were working on him. Until they got involved, I thought the poor SOB would have made it. My God, leeches would have been an advanced and humane method of treatment by comparison. Anyway, we had a snack and then headed for the second floor. Mister likes the magnet board with letters and words. As we headed there I spotted an ashtray with a little sign on it. It had a rock strapped to it. I thought, that’s interesting, ash trays are exhibits now, a history lesson and health lesson too; yet they have to strap a rock to it so that somebody won’t think of lighting up when they think they see a usable ashtray. When I walked over to look at it, I saw what if was. All of a sudden I went from being in a carefree place of child’s exploration and play to the real world of murderous, hate-filled thugs.

It was a piece of the World Trade Center.

Looking at that little piece of concrete brought back the 3,000 lives snuffed out that day by bin Laden’s killers. In the middle of a fun outing, I was suddenly mad. And very sad, too, being that close to a piece of those towers. As I stood nearby, the sadness overwhelmed the anger. Every once in a while, somebody would notice the relic. Some looked somber. Some went to get spouse or friend to look at what they found. Some just looked, like I did, and some touched it.

I wondered whether the concrete had been washed. Those people were vaporized in a fireball from the jets’ impact and then pulverized as they were crushed under the mega-tons of concrete and steel that piled on top of them as they fled the building. They lost the race with the towers that rushed down upon them. Were there DNA fragments from the victims on the chunk? If so, then the people who touched the concrete picked some of that up and left some of their own on the concrete. The victims who represented all of America diffusing across the country. And the people of America, in turn, placing their mark on the relic of the World Trade Center.

And as I contemplated this, lost in sadness and some anger that demands vengeance still, my son played with the letters and words on the magnet board.

"Don’t look dad!" I did not look. "Ok, now look dad!"

He spelled "I bring special dad"

Then orders to look away again.

"Look now!"

"I love DAD"

And then, "& we go home to be home"

Mister was, of course, oblivious. To my unexpected torment and to the attacks themselves. He loves airplanes and airports. How could I explain that somebody flew planes full of people into three of our buildings? How could I ruin that joy? I can’t, of course. I have shielded Mister from the events of that awful day. And now a piece of that tragedy is in the place where carefree playing is the mission. Damn those cursed souls who would kill so many of us. Who would make our children afraid—or who would be afraid if they knew.

I want us to do what it takes to kill our enemies and make them afraid. Will it make their children afraid? Yes, I suppose it will require that. And I am genuinely sorry for those children. But as long as their parents have chosen to strike us, we have no choice but to hunt them down and destroy them. With armies or air strikes or predators. I’m even willing to arrest some of them. And in the meantime, I want my son to have the worries of a child and not think of dying in a 757.

We went home to be home. We ate dinner. We played some living room football. (I always fumble).

The war is far away and I want it to stay that way. Operation Enduring Freedom means something very personal to me. Seek our enemies out and kill them in their lairs. I want no more fragments of our buildings placed in our museums.

“Snipers Caught?” (Posted October 24, 2002)

My one and only comment on the sniper case. News report says “The men were being taken this morning to "an undisclosed location", according to Montgomery County police spokesman Derek Baliles. But as of 8 a.m., they had not yet been questioned, Montgomery County State's Attorney Douglas F. Gansler said.”

I hope Cheney beats the hooey out of them at that undisclosed location. (figuratively speaking, of course)

"Outrage" (Posted October 15, 2002)

Saddam Hussein’s Rose Garden strategy of avoiding campaigning and appearing presidential appears to be working. All signs point to 100% backing by Iraqi voters. The suspense has been terrible all day. Would butterfly ballots in Mosul lead to confusion? No. Some voters marked their ballots in their own blood. No problem with voter intent there. Would Buchanan get votes out of al Amarah? Well, no. Saddam is the only candidate on the ballot.

Truly, the campaign was flawless. Spearheaded by the brilliant Carville slogan of "Yes, yes, yes, Saddam!" (apparently that rhymes in Arabic), voters couldn’t wait to vote. Indeed, the campaign theme song, Whitney Houston’s "I will always love you," swelled the turnout and will likely erase the bad memories of the 1995 cliffhanger 99.96% vote.

(Visible shudder)

Whoa, Whitney Houston? "I will always love you?"

You know, I know opponents of waging war against Saddam have downplayed his weapons of mass destruction. They excuse his aggressive past. They look the other way when he gasses Kurds. They don’t seem to really mind his torture and general repression. Attempting to assassinate a former president is no big deal. Holding Kuwaitis and possibly an American pilot nearly twelve years after our war was suspended (and Iranians too, long after the Iran-Iraq War ended in 1988) is hardly cause for sophisticated foreign policy types to get their underwear all twisted.

But "I will always love you?" At long last, have opponents of invasion no decency? Can we allow this outrage to continue? Defenseless Iraqis have been subjected to this horrid song, an implicit threat hanging over their heads should they fail to vote for Saddam. What was next, Wham? Michael Bolton? I hear the Iraqis have mated his songs to some of the Scuds they’ve hidden away and might play some at Israel in the event of war. Even Scott Ritter doesn’t claim that UN inspectors succeeded in eliminating more than 90% of Iraq’s pre-war disco music stockpile. I suspect that indigenous Iraqi musicians, possibly with Russian help, have succeeded in recording Abba songs. Mobile recording studios parked next to mosques have thwarted our best efforts.

No, we must invade. Add this Houston atrocity to Blair’s dossier on Iraq and the world—possibly even the French—will join us.

On to Baghdad.

“What To Do After the War” (Posted October 10, 2002)

Undefined Plans for Post-Hitler Germany Stir Debate

By Peter Levin
Washington Post Staff Writer
Thursday, October 10, 1943; Page A18

As Roosevelt administration policymakers draft war plans for the invasion of France and defeat of Germany, and court support from Congress and the League of Nations, they are having a difficult time answering a question that stretches beyond worries about amphibious warfare and German armor: If German Fuhrer Adolf Hitler falls, what then?

The question is becoming more urgent as the possibility of U.S.-led Allied military action becomes more real. The potential demise of Hitler and his 10-year-old dictatorship creates an opportunity for the democratic rebirth of Germany promoted by President Roosevelt, but appears certain to roil a fractious society where rivalries are strong, needs are vast, and the future remains unpredictable.

Experts inside and outside government say a significant U.S. military and diplomatic presence will be necessary to stabilize a post-Hitler Germany and help turn it toward the West. Still unknown, however, is what sort of leadership a post-Hitler Germany would yield. A Hitler loyalist with autocratic intent? A westernized opponent now in exile? An awkward coalition?

Roosevelt's national security team, acknowledging the need for a U.S. role, is assessing the costs and implications of a change of government. Despite months of invasion talk, the administration has offered no clear outline of its own approach, to the consternation of some members of Congress.

"There's potential for real disaster after Adolf Hitler is gone," said Rep. Mike Shelton (D-Ky.), who has challenged the administration to define its intentions. "I want to know: Is there a plan and what is the outline of that plan? To assure us there will be a stable and peaceful Germany when the shooting stops."

The role played by the U.S. military is likely to vary greatly, depending on how Hitler is ousted and what occurs in the succeeding days. Senior U.S. military officials, in private conversations, have repeatedly expressed worry and puzzlement about what they consider a lack of planning for the aftermath.

Sources within the administration say the thinking has not advanced beyond a series of evolving theoretical models, nor has a consensus emerged among agencies that have differed for years about who should lead a successor government. Top officials are deliberately avoiding public discussion of a policy that aides describe as fluid and unfinished.

Teams at the State Department and the White House are analyzing a host of problems, from how to reform the German military to how to balance prosecution and amnesty for members of Hitler's government. Zalljuly Smith, the White House's top-ranking official on Central European policy, describes democratic, representative government as a "long-term vision." He said without elaboration on Saturday that "it may be we will get to that through some phases."

The most comprehensive exercise is underway at the State Department, where a steadily expanding staff, backed by $5 million in federal funds, is working on the Future of Germany Project. The project has recruited dozens of members of the German diaspora to find ways to deliver justice, democracy and water to Germany.

"You've got a basic set of goals you'd like to reach, but there are so many ways of getting there. We're looking at a lot of different scenarios and contingencies for each one," said one official. U.S. officials hope the German opposition will soon adopt democratic principles being developed by a U.S.-sponsored working group.

A central challenge is to design a power structure that encompasses religious groups, regions and parties whose ambitions have triggered a string of pusches and massacres since Britain and the Allies installed a democracy after the Great War. The working concept, in London and Washington, is federalism and shared power, unfamiliar concepts in the Central European world.

The Americans say the key decisions must be made by Germans, but the administration knows the United States will wield significant influence -- and bear significant responsibility for the outcome -- if U.S. troops lead an invasion of the continent.

"We need to recognize the various costs of reconstructing Germany as integral to the costs of taking down Adolf Hitler," said Kenneth P. Mollack, director of research at the DeGaulle Center for European Policy at the Streamings Institution. "If we are not prepared to make a sustained commitment to building Germany, we will simply be trading one set of problems for another: chaos, feudalism, turning it into a failed state."

The administration would feel obligated to establish "the conditions in which a humane government could arise," said Doug K. Faith, undersecretary of defense for policy. He described a search for balance.

"To be responsible, you have to state a commitment to stay for a while," Faith said. "But at the same time, you have to state a commitment to leave, because we have no imperialist or colonialist ambitions. We have no desire to own or control the place. Germany belongs to the Germans."

A senior European diplomat in Washington said he doubted the administration could develop democracy in Germany on the cheap, or in less than several years. Such a project would "mean long years of time and considerable resources," said the diplomat. "What is more probable is if you win militarily, we will have to live with the consequences of instability or chaos, either because Germany is divided or you have a series of coups d'etat or an imbalance between Germany and Russia."

It is critical for the White House to settle on governing principles and contingency plans before a war begins, said Judy Yefeen, a former OSS analyst on Germany. That means preparing openings to influential families and regional leaders, many of them now loyal to Hitler or made rich by Germany's crony capitalism.

"If some General Von Doe takes [Hitler] out and says, 'What's my reward?' do we turn things over to him?" Yefeen asked. If the administration doesn't have "a clear plan in mind, then plans are going to have to be made by the general in the lead tank as he rolls in. That's not the way to make decisions that will have a long-term impact."

If Hitler is ousted, an unwieldy array of Germans in exile and Germans in Germany is expected to vie for power and riches and the chance to recast the nation. In one dark scenario, a political struggle could trigger domestic tumult, which in turn could inspire neighboring France or Russia to intervene in pursuit of long-held political and economic interests.

The picture is clouded by jockeying among German exile groups. One German government opponent said last week that he spends more energy navigating opposition politics than on Germany's problems. U.S. efforts to cajole leaders into developing a common strategy have shown halting results. The timing of a proposed unity conference in North Africa has slipped because of disagreements over who should be invited and what should be discussed. U.S. officials have told the groups not to use the conference to create a provisional government.

While some opposition figures favor the early creation of a provisional government, significant doubts remain among some U.S. policymakers about the legitimacy of the German opposition abroad and its ability to galvanize a battered country. Some figures have been absent from Germany for decades, while others may be compromised by service in Hitler's army and government. Many are sure to be labeled opportunists by some segments of the German population.

The German National Congress, a London-based umbrella organization of opposition groups, has criticized the Roosevelt administration for moving too slowly to declare a government-in-waiting and prepare plans for post-Hitler Germany.

Senate Foreign Relations Committee Chairman Jack R. Unbidden Sr. (D-NY.) said the U.S. government should not seek Hitler's ouster unless it is prepared to sustain a unified Germany afterward. He is among skeptics who cite what they consider the administration's unfulfilled commitment to Italy in asking whether the president will commit sufficient political capital to Germany's transformation.

Whatever happens, if the Roosevelt administration contributes to Hitler's fall, the United States will be on the hook for the aftermath, said one Army general: "It's just like going to the china shop, you break it, you own it."

Staff writers Garton Bellman and Matthew E. Bicks contributed to this report.

© 1943 The Washington Post Company

Ok, I did some universal changes and some minor editing to change the specifics. And this should probably be in Foreign Affairs. The worries over what can go wrong can produce inertia that cannot be overcome if you want answers for every question. It will take even longer if you want the answers to be perfectly predictive in nature. We just can’t get the level of comfort with what the future will bring that some insist we have before invading Iraq.

Yes, things can go wrong. We could get bogged down in the Normandy bocage. We could go a bridge too far in an effort for easy victory. We could face a sudden counter-attack in the Ardennes just when we thought we had victory. We could be daunted at the prospect of crossing major rivers only to be confronted by urban warfare against die-hards in Berlin. We could face blowback with a hostile Soviet Union entering into the heart of Europe. We might even overthrow a brutal, warmongering dictatorship and bring peace and democracy to a people who have never known it and who will become our ally. Yep, the future is unknown.

Ok, go ahead and read the real article on Iraq from the October 10, 2002 Washington Post.

"The Fifty State Quarters Program" (Posted September 26, 2002)

I was uncomfortable with the new quarter plan that put individual state designs on the back of each quarter. Sometimes it seems tough enough to unify our large and varied country, and state-specific coins seemed at least a psychological step backwards. When the Europeans have adopted the Euro to promote EU unity (please Britain, stay out!), we abandoned our tried and true uniform quarter with Washington on the front and an Eagle on the back.

Yet the first coins that came out in 1999 and 2000 reassured me. These weren’t bad at all. Some were inspiring. Washington crossing the Delaware River for the Princeton and Trenton attacks during the Revolution for New Jersey’s quarter; Massachusetts’ picture of a Minuteman; Maryland’s glorification of its role in providing line infantry to Washington’s army; and the early colonization of Virginia represented by old caravels. These are good, historic images.

Sure, Vermont has some guy tapping trees for sap and Georgia has a peach on it, but we can cut them a little slack in light of the others. I wish they had chosen something else but hey, it was their choice. And although New York ignored its early history to put the Statue of Liberty on their coin, its symbolism of freedom is worthwhile. My only regret is that the coin came out in 2001. I really wish New Yorkers had chosen to put the Twin Towers on their coin. That would have been a national coin without a doubt.

But despite some fine coins, 2001 is when the coins started to fall apart. North Carolina has the Wright Brothers Kitty Hawk plane. Fair enough, it is historic. But in addition to the syrup coin from Vermont, Kentucky gave us an advertisement for the Kentucky Derby. Okay…and you guys were thinking, what?

Then in 2002, it went all to heck.

Tennessee has a banjo, trumpet, and guitar. Yep, that shows up Maryland’s "Old Line State" coin. Come on, Monopoly money has more dignity. And Ohio has John Glenn, apparently, in a space suit plus the Wright Brothers plane! Dueling states through their coins, has broken out. Will North Carolinians refuse to accept Ohio quarters? Will Ohioans spurn the North Carolina usurper coin? Louisiana is ok, however. Not great. But it shows the whole Louisiana Purchase and is a nice history lesson for only a 25 cents. Mississippi has magnolia’s all over its quarter. This is amusing since the magnolia is not native to America. It was introduced from Asia. So, an invasive species entrenches itself over here and Mississippians adopt it as their own and put it on their coin. I hope to God we in Michigan don’t put the lamprey eel or zebra mussel on our coin. (Actually, I hope it is something to do with Lincoln’s "Thank God for Michigan" quote; or honors the troops of the Iron Brigade. We came into our own in the Civil War after all. I fear it will be cheesy, however)

What really got me was the Indiana coin. I don’t mean to pick on Indiana, but they put a race car on their coin! If you squint, I swear you can see Pennzoil and Winston decals on the body of the car. Clearly, the newer states are at risk of having nothing historic to portray. What will Hawaii have, a surfer on the perfect wave? I can’t even imagine what Alaska will have. And with a race car on one coin, which state—Arkansas?—will put a monster truck on their quarter? Is this far-fetched? Recall the design of the Clinton Presidential Library which makes it look like a giant mobile home! They are capable of this! Shoot, Michigan could do it—I’ve seen and heard the echoing ads for these events at Cobo Hall in Detroit.

The possibilities are horrifying. I actually live in fear that Alabama will have a lawn jockey. I shudder at what cheese-related theme Wisconsin will choose. I get night sweats when I lie awake contemplating the brothel and dice theme possible for Nevada! And I haven’t even begun to dwell on what the states of the Left Coast will do! Egad, a cup of Starbucks coffee under a rain cloud for Washington state? A silicon implant for California? What will Oregon do? I frantically scramble to remember—can they claim Lewis and Clarke and avoid embarrassing us all? And will Texans convince themselves that because they now have their own currency they are a sovereign nation? They’re bad enough as it is!

It is too late to stop the program. Sure, when it was started, everyone thought of the Founding Fathers and the Revolution when the possibilities for the first states were contemplated. I don’t think there was enough thought to the later states. This just has embarassing disaster written all over it. Please, let this trend stop with quarters before our role as the world’s currency is threatened.

Lord, I might even start using the golden dollar coin. How can I risk carrying an Alec Baldwin California quarter?

“Pub Night” (Posted August 30, 2002)

I've been meeting friends at a local pub, Conor O'Neill's, for the past year and a half. From a cadre of four we have since expanded to a mailing list of about sixteen. Most are in town. Some must drive some distance. We sometimes have a nearly full turnout and sometimes it may only be five. After our usually once-a-month trip, I send out a summary to the entire list so nobody will miss a beat the next trip. Sometimes, the email traffic the next day is half the fun. Those who couldn't make it can at least get some shots in electronically! I'll avoid names until I clear the concept of this column with my friends. Not that we do anything obnoxious, dangerous, or illegal, but it is different to have your name on a web site. I'm hoping it basically replaces the email newsletter. Or it may just become the redacted version. Indeed, it may be a "docu-drama" with altered details to protect the innocent. It will certainly evolve.

The place we meet may actually change, as a revolt is brewing for a change in locale at least once in a while. I remain loyal to my Irish pub, however, and will always return. My God, as one wise sage (I believe it was Andy Kaufman on Taxi) said, blind adherence to tradition is what separates us from the animals. An opposable thumb to grasp a pint is also key. Thus far my stubbornness and a group failure to come up with a consensus alternative have spared me from too much pub withdrawal. We did try one night away last month but others pined for the Emerald Pub. I remained dutifully silent on the subject.

Why do I like Conor's? First of all, I have it on good authority that it looks like a real Irish pub. It has cubby holes, a fireplace, dark wood, pints of beer, food that at least seems authentically Irish. Sometimes a band plays, and covers of The Pogues and Sinead O'Connor work for me. Mogue Doyle, a local band, is a personal favorite of mine. The wait staff is cool too. A number are actually from Ireland. Many of the female staff are simply gorgeous and nice too. The patrons are a mix of townies and college students. You aren't out of place in shorts or a suit. I've had a fun time with a dozen or more friends competing with the music or by myself with dinner and a couple beers to guide me through a good book or a notebook revising articles. My friends insist I should really reconsider my defense related reading material if I ever hope to attract the attentions of females there. No matter, I shall continue as before. I'm not trolling for a date. Of course, if Chinese naval policy really is a turn on... I'm your man.

Anyway, I am determined to write about our pub nights at least occasionally. Unlike college days, I can remember what goes on fairly well. First of all, we are older (most of us) and so we don't drink to excess. Except for those lucky enough to walk to the pub or hitch a ride, we all have to slow down and get sober to drive home. This is as it should be. Old friends (and some new) getting together and trading jokes and wisdom over a few beers. For the benefits of my friends from the pub, yogurt drinks are good and man's best friend can forfeit that title. Chaucer remains a mystery to me.

“Traitors” (Posted August 23, 2002)

So some white supremacists are going to Washington, DC in the largest gathering of white supmeracists since Billy Bob got a new still back ’99. They will gather to proclaim that America is indeed responsible for the September 11 attacks. Jews are of course the first targets. They will probably downplay their inconvenient and unfortunate past of considering Blacks as sub-human in their effort to appear more progressive. They’ve also gotten a little embarrassed about their unfortunate tendency to look at Middle Easterners and Moslems as sub-human too. “Can’t we all just get along and just enjoy hating the Jews for now? Let’s not quibble over who killed who.”

They disgust me. Their pathetic swastikas and Nazi memorabilia proudly displayed (or perhaps kept in the garage for this rally of Puff the Magic Dragon solidarity) are an insult to the real Americans who drove a spike into the heart of Nazism in 1944-45, by landing in Normandy and driving the Nazis back from their conquests. The neo-Nazis in America should not pretend to love this country. They love a country they wish we were and which they try to create amongst themselves in the dark of night. So desperate are they to convince the country that they are right after decades of failure that they now ally themselves with those that kill us and proudly proclaim their hatred of us.

It’s kind of funny. The homegrown Nazis in our midst would kill the Moslems they seek common cause with now if the neo-Nazis were in charge. And likewise, the Islamist terrorists would kill the so-called Christian pure whites who they trade email with today.

Couldn’t we just tell each of them they won and let them kill each other off?

“The Bourne Identity” (Posted August 7, 2002)

I just saw The Bourne Identity and can say it is an enjoyable flick. I would, however, like to point out some obvious flaws in the movie. (Note that this counts for the cultural content of The Dignified Rant—you just aren’t going to hear about an opera here)

Why on earth was a little cylinder that projected his bank and account number embedded in his head? We know he could remember with incredible detail everything he saw. At first I thought that he needed the device to access his account. But when he went to the bank he just wrote down his account number. Never had to show it to anyone. Yes, I know, they needed some clue to start him on his way to a new life renting mopeds with his love interest, but come on.

Just why did Bourne decide to whomp two Swiss cops when they rousted him from his Swiss park bench? Sure, as he tried to explain to the cops, he just wanted to sleep. But surely Bourne had to know that once he whomped the gendarmes, he was not going to be allowed to just roll over and resume his rest. Why not just move along as they suggested? Maybe they asked for his papers and were about to run him in (for police in a democracy to ask for “your papers” is creepy to me) so he really had no choice. I forget the sequence of events now.

Why did he keep ditching weapons? I mean, a red bag full of passports and giga-wads of cash from various nations was not suspicious enough? The pistol was the clincher that would get him run in? (“Officer Pierre, the cash and multiple passports are perhaps normal for a hostel dweller, but this gun? Let’s take him in.”) Sure, he took a weapon whenever he needed one, but I gotta say this doesn’t make sense.

Did he really have to offer $20,000 to get a ride? That is suspicious. Offer $500.00 and then go up. They need to tweak that mind-control project or something. Save the agency a little money for God’s sake.

Further, how does being a hairdresser fit in with his assassin job? He cut the hair of his love interest with a “flair” that would arouse suspicion if displayed by any other man (who could not kill you with a weapon fashioned from his own pocket lint).

And what was he thinking before he read the paper that identified him as an assassin. How could he be shocked that he was an assassin? The Swiss bank account with all that stuff; the amazing fighting and observation skills? The people out to kill him? The police wanted posters? Did he truly suspect he was the regional sales manager for DaimlerChrysler?

And I am not happy with the portrayal of Bourne’s CIA control guy as evil. Sure, he scowls. And he has TWO American flags on his desk because the filmmaker surely knows that such a display of apparent patriotism must mean he’s a scoundrel. And he is trying to kill the soon-to-be-reformed assassin (once he remembers he is an assassin). But still, when he lashed out at shoddy French police work and asked, derisively, what the French word for “stakeout” was, I nearly shed a tear. I even missed his next (and last) shot at the French as I replayed the movie up to that point redefining this apparent ogre as a misunderstood hero. God bless him, but he died at the end. A promising career ended.

And what of that rickety little toy car he drove through Paris in a hair raising escape? He went down a flight of stairs! My Ford product gets four flats if I go over a speed bump at over 15 mph yet this little Trabant-like, lawnmower-engine-powered toy races down a flight of steps, bounces off the pavement, and drives on like it was just cruising the mall parking lot looking for a close spot. I don’t buy it.

At the end his escape from the safe house was fun but unbelievable. I’m no expert, but riding a corpse down five floors as a cushion strikes me as roughly equivalent to Road Runner physics where you safely step out of the falling building just before it hits the ground.

I enjoyed the movie. I really did. Exciting. An interesting premise. Some good butt kicking. You have to suspend a whole bunch of belief in several spots, but once you get past the wrongfully accused (and killed) French-mocker, all else pales by comparison. Just what IS the French word for “stakeout” anyway? You know, how anyone can deconstruct a movie when you can just mock it is beyond me.

"The Marine Way" (Posted August 6, 2002)

Ok, just an old Army story. I was a reservist. And a radio operator. So I don't have many of these. I have none that include "... as I lay motionless in the swamp, waiting for the guards to leave a gap in their patrolling, praying my hours immersed in 50 degree water hadn't rusted my M-16,..."

Anyway, when I went to signal school at Fort Gordon, Georgia, in the summer of 1989, we had a young Marine lance corporal in our class. He was made the class second-in-command by the staff sergeant in our class, based on what I believe was his mistaken understanding of what a lance corporal is. I am sure I outranked him as a private first class (the equivalent to a lance corporal in Army rank) based on time in grade. I didn't want to be bothered with it and said nothing. I had a minor 'tude problem since my National Guard unit was soon scheduled to abandon the equipment I was now going to spend months learning how to use (yes, I mentioned that it would be better for me to train on the new equipment we were going to get). Our Marine had an attitude problem too. He was a newly minted Marine, with his starched uniform, and was duly horrified to slum with Army types in training. What his impression of me was, with my faded BDUs that were not going to be ironed I do not know. ("Sergeant, is it required that I iron my uniform? No? Thank you." I was top in my class so not much could be said about disobeying a suggestion)

On our first day in class, one of our early tasks was to pound three-foot "elephant stakes" into the ground with a sledge hammer. As our job was to erect antennas to set up communications networks, doing so quickly was considered important. We took our turns, with we Army types quietly pounding the stakes into the ground. It was a mundane task we unenthusiastically performed. When it was our Marine's turn, he took the sledge hammer and, with a note of disdain for our pedestrian efforts, announced, "Let me show you how to drive a stake the Marine way!" As he set himself to swing, I asked him, "The Marine way?" He continued to set himself, ignoring me. With perfect timing as he raised the sledge hammer to swing, I added, with my own disdain, "What's that? With your forehead?" He checked his swing, glared at me for a moment , and then just grinned. He clearly couldn't help himself. He pounded the stake in just fine. He turned out to be a good guy and we even went out drinking once. We Army types aren't too bad.

"Six Questions" (Posted July 30, 2002).

The amazingly successful Afghanistan Campaign brought down the Taliban and sent al Qaida thugs scurrying. While great news on the war against terrorism, the victory has deprived us of great theater. After Osama bin Laden allowed CNN to ask him six questions, I eagerly awaited the questions as much as the answers. The chance to view the world view of CNN when limited to six questions ("let's see, do we ask ObL if he feels America has over-reacted to his just rage against American policy; or do we find out if he has any solid numbers on the number of innocents killed in Afghanistan by American bombs?) would have been enlightening. Mercifully, ObL is probably not with a living. The head of counter-terrorism in the FBI thinks he is dead.

But with some claiming that bin Laden has recovered from wounds suffered at Tora Bora; if true, could we not get one of those tapes sent to Al Jazeera with his answers? If he hasn't gone on to his glorious afterlife with his thirty virgin goats, we should at least get him to cough up that interview. For pure entertainment, I propose, however, that instead of allowing CNN to pose the questions, we give our game show hosts the opportunity to ask the questions. It is quite possibly the only thing he fears more than a thermobaric bomb with his name on it.

Question 1 (Regis Philbin: Who Wants to be a Millionaire). Mr. bin Laden, your spokesman has praised the September 11 terrorist attacks that killed thousands of innocent people, and threatened to carry out more attacks involving planes and tall buildings. How can you and your followers advocate the killing of innocent people?

Osama bin Laden: An interesting question. It may depend on the definition of "innocent." May I use a life line?

RP: Of course. You know that you will have none in the future if you use it.

ObL: Yes. I would like to call Omar. {Dialing] Omar? Why can we kill innocent people? ... Yes. ... Oh, right. ... Thanks Omar, I knew that. ... Hey, tape this for me will you? ... Later. [Hangs up] Regis, the answer is anybody who opposes us, fails to support us, or is even unaware of our cause as they go about their unimportant lives must be killed. This was a trick question and I regret I am unarmed. [Glares at Regis]

RP: I won't ask if that is your final answer! If looks could kill! You are correct! You do not believe there are innocents.

Question 2. (Steve Sidahl and Wally Hotvedt: Let's Bowl) What was your role and the role of the al-Qaeda organization in the September 11 attacks? And if you are indeed involved, we have set up a bowling match to decide this unresolvable conflict. Your opponent will be Vice President Dick Cheney, who has been secretly practicing these last nine months with a determination not seen since Saddam was ejected from Kuwait in 1991.

ObL: This is unacceptable! Our league has been dispersed and we have not practiced. Indeed, a cruise missile took out the Kandahar Lanes on day one of your attacks! We thought it was a mistake at the time. Oh, how we laughed! But now I see your plans! I will not bowl; though I conceived, planned, and ordered the attacks!

Question 3. (Joe Rogan: Fear Factor) What was your role and the role of your organization in the subsequent anthrax attacks in the United States? You will have to either eat a bug or inhale from this bowl of white powder confiscated from your jacket after you arrived.

ObL: Hey, that's my--creamer. Do you know how difficult it is to keep cream without a refrigerator?

JR What will it be Osama? Eat the bug or sniff the powder? You have ten seconds.

ObL: I cannot. The bug is icky! And the creamer may be bad...

JR: Hah, the fear of insects and old non-dairy creamer is too much for even a killer of civilians.

Question 4. (Alex Trebek: Jeopardy!) The answer is, "Yes, yes, and Iraq." Please phrase your response in the form of a question.

ObL: Oh! I know this one! Did any of the September 11 hijackers or their accomplices receive al-Qaeda financial support or training at al-Qaeda bases in Afghanistan. Second, was any other government or organization involved? If so, name one.

AT: Correct. How much did you risk?

ObL: My life, Alex.

AT: Oh. I'm so sorry, Osama. America also answered correctly and bet your life as well. I'm afraid you won't be coming back next week to compete against Rep. Cynthia McKinney.

Question 5. (Pat Sajek: Wheel of Fortune) In the past, you called on your followers to acquire weapons of mass destruction - nuclear, chemical and biological weapons. Do you or your followers have any such weapons and, if so, will those weapons be used? Are you ready to spin?

ObL: I would like to buy a vowel. Are their any "U's"?

PS: There is an E. Would you like to solve the puzzle? (_U_).

ObL: The answer is, of course, "duh." Truly, these questions insult me. And tell Vanna to get dressed, or something.

Question 6. (Anne Robinson: Weakest Link) Muslim and Arab leaders, including Muslim clerics and Palestinian Authority leader Yassir Arafat, say there is no justification in Islam for the terrorist attacks you advocate. They have denounced you, your followers and your self-declared holy war. How do you respond to their criticism?

ObL: I am unconcerned. They are not real Muslims. I count only 2,572 real Muslims. Most in Pakistan's tribal areas, of course. This number is from Thursday so it may be a little high by now. Those cursed Special Forces! But I digress, so-called Muslims who denounce me shall have their turn. Do they think they shall be spared?

AR: That is incorrect. Your response indicates you have made a big mistake and shall soon be an ex-terrorist. You are the weakest link. Good bye.

I can only assume CNN would have handled this with good judgment if given the chance. Right?

"The American Taliban and Parenting" (Posted July 18, 2002)

John Walker Lindh's (the "American Taliban") parents, following his plea agreement to serve 20 years in prison, are proud of him.

You'd think you can screw up being a parent for a limited amount of time. I've generally figured you can cast blame until 18 at best and then you're on your own. You screw up. You're at fault. Indeed, I'm leery of blaming the parents for the son's idiocy and crimes, period. Sometimes, good parents simply have evil spawn and the parents can't do too much about it.

Lindh's parents cast doubt on both of my assumptions. Sure, you love your child and you want to stand by your kid, but at this point? Honestly, when your child has been as mind-numbingly stupid as John has been, surely there are limits to parental loyalty. If they continue to defend him, his parents should really just serve time with Johnny in adjoining cells.

Now I'm not blaming Marin County, or anything. I think this is beyond cultural lifestyles. This is rank stupidity that transcends political philosophy. Even after screwing things up so badly that their own kid thought that fighting for the Taliban was a good idea, they defend him. Do they realize that if their son's vision of paradise on Earth were to be realized, that a woman and a gay man would really not have much future? Luckily for the elder Lindhs, we thermobaric bombed those chuckleheads into the mountainous wilds of Afghanistan and Pakistan and made them more worried about dying than killing us. The parents are safe in non-Taliban America from their son's fantasy.

I recall when I was young, my dad told me that he couldn't understand parents on TV wailing about how their little Johnny couldn't possible have killed and mutilated a dozen women in five states. Dad told me that I shouldn't ever expect that performance if I ever turned criminal. Now, on the one hand, I didn't understand that concern since I was far from a delinquent. Sports-deficient honor roll student, yes. Pre-criminal, no. Yet I knew dad was right then and I still know he is right. At best, if I did something that mossy-rock stupid and got caught, I'd hope my dad would tell me he loved me and that he'd pray for my soul as I faced the firing squad and took responsibility for my actions. I think I'd be more horrified at letting my parents down with my behavior than anything else. That they should defend me is folly beyond my comprehension.

Poor American Taliban. His steadfast parents still haven't figured out how to be good parents. I'm sure they would rail against the idea that loyalty to America requires unquestioning agreement with whatever the government does; yet they won't criticize their own treasonous, criminal son. I would like to ask them, doesn't your son deserve the level of loyal criticism that your country and government undoubtedly receive from you? Tell John he did wrong. And he has a twenty year time out to sort things out.

"Way to Go Steve! (No, Really, About 5,500 Miles More)" (Posted July 12, 2002)