Mis documentos\gatos

Leyes físicas en un sistema biológico único(tomado de Photobiology on line)
La fotobiología se base en una serie de leyes físicas y químicas inmutables que se aplican para entender la acción de la luz.
Sin embargo, hay al menos un caso en que estas leyes no son tan inmutables.
Los Gatos parecen tener su propia colección de leyes físicas.
En un intento de proporcionar la información más reciente de relevancia científica se presentan las LEYES FISICAS FELINAS:

1ª. Ley de la conservación de la energía
Los gatos saben que la energía no se crea ni se destruye y, por lo tanto, hay que usar tan poca como sea posible.

2ª Ley de la Conservación de la Energía
Los gatos también saben que la energía solo se almacena durmiendo.

Ley de la inercia felina
Un gato en reposo tenderá a permanecer en reposo hasta que una fuerza externa aparezca, tal como la apertura de una lata de comida de gato, o un ratón paseando.

Ley de movimiento
Un gato se moverá en línea recta a menos que haya una buena razón para cambiar de dirección.

Ley del Magnetismo
Todos los sacos azules y suéteres negros atraerán el pelo del gato en proporción directa al tono oscuro de la tela.

Ley de la termodinámica felina
El calor fluye del cuerpo más caliente hacia el más frío excepto en el caso de un gato, en este caso, todo el calor fluye hacia el gato.

Ley de elasticidad felina
Un gato se estirará una distancia proporcional al largo de la siesta recién tomada.

Ley del sueño
Todos los gatos deberán dormir con gente cuando sea posible, en una posición incómoda para la gente y cómoda para el gato.

Ley de elongación
El cuerpo de un gato será tan largo como sea necesario para alcanzar cualquier mueble que tenga algo interesante encima.

Ley de la Obstrucción
El gato debe yacer en el piso en la posición donde obstruya al máximo el tránsito humano.

Ley de la aceleración felina
Un gato acelerará a una velocidad constante hasta que esté listo para parar.

Ley de atención en la mesa
Los gatos estarán presentes en toda comida donde se sirva algo sabroso.

Ley de la Configuración de las alfombras
Ninguna alfombra permanecerá en su estado natural extendido por mucho tiempo.

Ley de la Resistencia a la obediencia
La resistencia del gato varía proporcionalmete al deseo del humano por que haga algo.

Ley de la Observación del Refrigerador
Si un gato observa al refrigerador por tiempo suficiente, alguien vendrá y sacará de él algo bueno para comer (e invitará al gato).

Ley de la atracción de la cobija eléctrica
Encienda la cobija eléctrica y el gato saltará a la cama a la velocidad de la luz.

Ley de búsqueda de la comodidad
Un gato buscará, encontrará y tomará posesión del sitio más cómodo de cualquier cuarto.

Ley de la ocupación de bolsas y cajas
Todas las cajas y bolsas en un cuarto deben contener un gato dentro del primer nanosegundo posible.

Ley del Consumo de leche
un gato beberá su peso en leche, al cuadrado solo para demostrar que SI puede

Ley del cambio de los muebles
El deseo de un gato por rascar un mueble es directamente proporcional al costo de este.

Ley del aterrizaje
Un gato siempre aterrizará en las zona más blanda posible, de la región media de un humano reclinado y distraído

Ley del desplazamiento de líquidos
Un gato sumergido en leche desplazará el equivalente a su propio volumen menos el volumen de leche consumido
Ley del rechazo de la pastilla
Cualquier pastilla dada a un gato tiene la energía potencial de alcanzar una velocidad de escape.

Esta última ley no tiene traducción textual al español, sorry!
Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

In the state of political correctness, nobody is a "liar" they are simply "verbally superfluous". No one is a "housekeeper," they are "domestic engineers." See how we can apply this "game" to the many activities of our cats:
My cat does not barf hairballs, he is a floor/rug redecorator.
My cat does not break things, she helps gravity do its job.
My cat does not fear dogs, they are merely sprint practice tools.
My cat does not gobble, she eats with alacrity.
My cat does not scratch, he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.
My cat does not yowl, he is singing off-key.
My cat is not a "shedding machine", she is a hair relocation stylist.
My cat is not a "treat-seeking missile," she enjoys the proximity of food.
My cat is not a bed hog, he is a mattress appreciator.
My cat is not a chatterbox, she is advising me on what to do next.
My cat is not a dope addict, she is catnip appreciative.
My cat is not a lap fungus, he is bed selective.
My cat is not a pest, she is attention deprived.
My cat is not a ruthless hunter, she is a wildlife control expert.
My cat is not evil, she is badness enhanced.
My cat is not fat, he is mass enhanced.
My cat is not hydrophobic, she has an inability to appreciate moisture.
My cat is not lazy, he is motivationally challenged.
My cat is not underfoot, she is shepherding me to my next destination (the food dish).
Well said, and no cat's feelings have been hurt!

CATS QUOTES
Of all God's creatures there is only one that cannot be made the slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat.
                  - Mark Twain
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We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove lid again, and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.
                 - Mark Twain
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There is no cat 'language.' Painful as it is for us to admit, they don't need one.
                - Barbara Holland
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Meow is like aloha -- it can mean anything.
                - Hank KetchuK
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Cats are the ultimate narcissists. You can tell this because of all the time they spend on personal grooming. Dogs aren't like this. A dog's idea of personal grooming is to roll on a dead fish.
                - James Gorman
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When I play with my cat, who knows if I am not a pastime to her more than she is to me?
                - Dutch Proverb
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"Confront a child, a puppy, and a kitten with a sudden danger; the child will turn instinctively for assistance, the puppy will grovel in abject submission... the kitten will brace its tiny body
for a frantic esistance.
                - Saki
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An inquisitive kitten is the best reminder of what youth is all about.
                - Unknown
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The enthusiasm of a kitten is contagious.
                - Unknown
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Dog's have owners. Cat's have staff.
                - Unknown
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Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
                - Unknown
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Cat's motto:
No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
                - Unknown
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An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.
                - Unknown
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Women and cats will do as they please; men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
                - Anon.
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My husband said it was him or the cat ... I miss him sometimes.
                - Unknown
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I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.
                 - Unknown
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You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats.
                - Colonial American proverb
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Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.
                - Missy Dizick
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Time spent with cats is never wasted.
                - Colette (homónimo de mi colettita!
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Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
                - Anon
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There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats.
                - Albert Schweitzer
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No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me.
                - Unknown
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There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.
                - Anonymous
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People that hate cats will come back as mice intheir next life.
                - Faith Resnick
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Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later.
                - Mary Bly
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One cat just leads to another.
                - Ernest Hemingway
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As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.
                - Ellen Perry Berkeley
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In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats.
                - English proverb
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Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled
through snow.
                - Jeff Valdez
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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

Oracle most wise, I have three cats. Two speak normally and say 'miaow', but the third, still a kitten, says 'miaowmaiow'. Why is this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

CAT TRANSLATION DICTIONARY

Volume I -- Common phrases compiled by T. U. Oracle

Miaow = Feed me.

meeow = Pet me.

mrooww = I love you.

Miioo-oo-oo = I am in love and must meet my betrothed outside beneath the hedge. Don't wait up.

mrow = I feel like making noise.

rrrow-mawww = Please, the time is come to tidy the cat box.

rrrow-miawww = I have remedied the cat box untidiness by shoveling the contents as far out of the box as was practical.

miaowmaiow = Play with me.

Miaowmioaw = Have you noticed the shortage of available cat toys in this room?

mioawmioaw = Since I can find nothing better to play with, I shall see what happens when I sharpen my claws on this handy piece of furniture.

raowwwww = I think I shall now spend time licking the most private parts of my anatomy.

mrowwwww = I am now recalling, with sorrow, that some of my private parts did not return with me from that visit to the vet.

Roww-maww-roww = I am so glad to see that you have returned home with both arms full of groceries. I will now rub myself against your legs and attempt to trip you as you walk towards the kitchen.

gakk-ak-ak = My digestive passages seem to have formed a hairball. Wherever could this have come from? I shall leave it here upon the carpeting.

mow = Snuggling is a good idea.

moww = Shedding is pretty good, too.

mowww! = I was enjoying snuggling and shedding in the warm clean laundry until you removed me so unkindly.

Miaow! Miaow! = I have discovered that, although one may be able to wedge his body through the gap behind the stove and into that little drawer filled with pots and pans, the reverse path is slightly more difficult to navigate.

Mraakk! = Oh, small bird! Please come over here.

ssssRoww! = I believe that I have found a woodchuck or similar animal.

mmmmmmm = If I sit in the sunshine for another hour or so, I think I shall be satisfied.

Mreoaw = Please ask room service to send up another can of tunafish.

Mreeeow = Do you serve catnip with that?

mroow = I have forced my body into a tiny space in order to look cute. How'm I doin'?

Miaooww! Mriaow!= Since you are using the can opener, I am certain that you understand the value of a well-fed and pampered cat. Please continue.

As you can see, it may take years of practice to be able to accurately distinguish some of these forms. You owe the Oracle a can opener that doesn't require an opposable thumb.

A GUIDE TO UNDERSTANDING YOUR CAT

Staring at the food dish = FEED ME.

Staring at cupboard = FEED ME.

Licking empty bowl = FEED ME.

Looking at you, taking two steps, looking at you again = FOLLOW ME TO THE KITCHEN AND FEED ME.

Looking at your lap = OKAY, YOU SEEM TO LIKE IT WHEN I SIT ON YOU.. THE YOU WILL FEED ME?

Looking at the door = OPEN IT! I'LL GO SEE IF I CAN FIND ANY FOOD.

Sitting on your head = WAKE UP AND FEED ME.

BURP!!! = THANK YOU!!!!!

CAT RULES

LICK-IT DIET: Let them open another can of food. Lick-it dry. Smear it around the dish then turn your nose up at it. An hour later you can sit by the dish and look at it with disdain, meaning; you don't expect me to eat this dry crap, do you?

RUG BURN: Take chunks of food from the plate and drop it on the rug just inside the living room. This is always good to burn them up.

THE SMELL OF HELL: Wander gingerly over to the food they just put out. Stretch your neck out and smell it. Then look up at them with that look that says, "what is this crap?"

WHERE'S MY MILK?: Sit in front of the fridge with your back to them. Be patient because sometimes they won't get up until a commercial. Look over your shoulder at them with a pitiful look. They feel so guilty for making you wait, they'll give you the heavy cream.

CONFUSION: Say yes, I know I ate some of that this morning, but that was this morning. I don't want any more of that. Make them open another can of something different. Always keep them confused about your diet.

REDECORATE: A few spots of dried food look great on the baseboard. The harder it gets, the harder they work!

BIRDS & MICE AND THINGS NOT NICE: Always bring home your quarry. Be sure to mess it up. Entrails are a nice touch. Leave it just outside the front door if possible. It's always good if they're not looking down and step on it. This is the Cat's Meow!

INDECISION: Sit at the screen door looking out. They almost always think you want to go out. Run away when they open the door. Three or four times is enough to drive them up the wall.

IN AND OUT: Sit looking at the doorknob. When they open the door, take your time. Take a good look around, pull your head back in. Look around the room. You don't have to decide quickly. Most of the damn fools will hold the door until you get the lay of the land and see which way the wind blows. For a real treat, after several minutes, back into the room, then look at them and say "what're you holding the damn door open for?

PEE TIME: Even if you don't have to go, time your visit for about 3 A.M. Climb on their bed and get in their face. Tickle them with your whiskers until they wake up. The old man probably had to pee anyway but was too lazy to get up. Make a stop by the fridge. It's always worth a try to see if he gives you some milk. If he does, you can always wake him again at 4 A.M.

WALKING: The main object here is to get underfoot. It's also fun to startle them. As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

DOGS: Always act afraid of dogs in front of humans. They feel so sorry they pick you up to comfort you. Put on a big show and hang on for life.

BARF.... If you have to throw up, get to a bed quickly. Barf in the middle of the quilt, preferably a good thick one that doesn't fit in the washer. It will give the human a chance to go to a Laundromat and spend more money. Add this cost to the total you're already costing them. It makes you feel treasured and expensive. If you cannot manage to get to a quilt, try a chair or an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot. Move around as much as possible to leave a glob, here, there and everywhere. Stand back and watch your mistress gag and swear while she tries to clean it up.

ANOTHER CAT? No way! Establish your territory early. Make that intruder respect you. He'll give you lots of room and walk around you. When you know he wants to eat, go over and pick on the food so he has to wait. If you like his food, steal it. Deny him all privileges. Be sure to carry on if they give him any attention.

BATHROOMS: Always sit just around the corner of the door so they narrowly miss stepping on you. Smile as they trip, bang into a wall and curse. Hide under the table until they calm down and want to pet you and calm you down.

HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering": When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. It's even funnier when they try to avoid stepping on you and fall into a counter or table. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself. For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you. For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When Dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time. When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.

PLAY: This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed several favorite cat games that you can play. It is important though to maintain one's Dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say "I MEANT to do that!" It fools those humans every time.

PAPER BAGS: Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and camouflaged to be the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see. But you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them.

SCRATCHING POSTS The arms of their easy chairs are great places to scratch and claw the fabric. You need to leave your mark on the world. This always gets their attention. Hassocks are also good scratching posts. It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may provide. They are very protective of what they think is their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it.

HUMANS Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. You will then have a smooth-running household.

HOW TO BATHE A CAT

1. Thoroughly clean toilet.

2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.

3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom.

4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand on top, so cat cannot escape.

5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this).

6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective.

7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.

8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry.

Sincerely,

The Dog

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...