PARA AQUELLOS QUE TENGAN INTENCIONES DE MUDARSE A YUCATAN
Si usted SE EMPEÑA en venir a Yucatán, México o tiene algún amigo que piense venir para acá, por favor este seguro de aprenderse el siguiente vocabulario:
* Nota: Las "Equis" suenan como "SH"
*Nota 2: Todas las palabras que terminen con "N" pronunciarlas como si terminaran con "M". Ejemplo: Yucatám, Jamóm, Jabóm, Camióm, Limóm, etc
* Nota 3: Todas las palabras que utilicen "Ñ" pronunciarlas como si fueran "ni". Ejemplo: ninio, ninia
Si se aprende el vocabulario que a continuación se enlista, tendrá un gran éxito en el estado de Yucatán. Entremos en materia:
Gallo: Joven.
Bobox: Parte baja de la espalda (Culo)
Xec: Jicama picada, con trozos de cítricos.
Cinta: Listón
Comó: Olor a Huevo
Cut: Tamular chile
Chel: Güero, o de pelo y ojos color claro
Chichazo: Darle a algo de casualidad
Chichí: Abuela
Chola: Cabeza
Chuchuluco: Chipote en la cabeza
Negociante: Termino común para nombrar alguna cosa cuyo nombre no se recuerda.
Borrador: Goma de borrar
Chiltomate: Salsa de chile y tomate
X'tup: Hijo mas pequeño
Chocó: Caliente
Chuchería: Cualquier cosa
Chuchú: Pecho de mujer
Escarpa: Acera
Estante: Ropero
Majar: Aplastar
Nach: Restos de comida del día anterior
Nohoch: Grande
Chuch: Expresión de cariño.  EJ:"Hay mas chuch el ninio"
Lastimada: Herida
Mulix: De pelo muy risado
Chuc: Remojar alimentos sólidos en alimentos líquidos
Tzatz'z: Alimento de harina suavizado por la humedad.
Vuelto: Cambio
Wiro: Naco
Uixar: Orinar
Xic: Axila
Xix: Resto
Cabax: Mal hecho
Poch: Deseo de algo
Tajador: Sacapuntas
Tuch: ombligo
Ch'oocnac: Dolor intestinal
Perech: Justo, exacto
Purux: Gordito
Kiritz: Mugre pegada
Chiuo: tarántula. También aplicado a mujeres muy feas.
Yaya : Herida
A wech : Frase de afirmación
Chamal  : cigarrillo
Gustar : aplicado al acto y efecto de ver la televisión
Kaskep : Hombre feo
Letz : adulador
Dziriz : niño de temprana edad
Xiipa : niño de edad mediana

¿ALGUNA VEZ HAS INTENTADO ACTUAR SIGUIENDO LA FILOSOFÍA CANINA? ¡INTENTALO!
1.    Nunca dejes la oportunidad de salir a pasear.
2.    Experimenta la sensación del aire fresco y del viento en tu cara sólo por placer.
3.    Cuando alguien a quien amas se aproxima, corre para saludarlo.
4.    Cuando haga falta, practica la obediencia.
5.    Deja que los demás sepan cuando están invadiendo tu territorio.
6.    Siempre que puedas toma una siesta y estírate antes de levantarte.
7.    Corre, salta y juega diariamente.
8.    Sé siempre leal.
9.    Come con gusto y con entusiasmo, pero detente cuando ya estés satisfecho.
10.    Nunca pretendas ser algo que no eres.
11.    Si lo que deseas está enterrado, cava hasta encontrarlo.
12.    Cuando alguien tenga un mal día, guarda silencio, siéntate cerca de él (ella) y trata de agradarlo (a)
13.    Cuando quieras llamar la atención, deja que alguien te toque.
14.    Evita morder por cualquier problema.
15.    En los días cálidos, acuéstate sobre tu espalda en la grava.
16.    En los días calientes, bebe mucha agua y descansa bajo un árbol frondoso o en tu rinconcito preferido.
17.    Cuando te sientas feliz, baila y balancea tu cuerpo.
18.    No importa cuántas veces seas censurado, no asumas ningún rencor y no te entristezcas... corre inmediatamente hacia tus amigos.
19.    Alégrate con el simple placer de una caminata.
20.    Mantente siempre alerta pero tranquilo.
21.    Da cariño con alegría y deja que te acaricien.
Pero, eso si... NO COJAS EN LA CALLE!!!

TO EXERCISE OR NOT TO EXERCISE
1. It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add  one minute to your life. This enables you, at age 85, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.
2. My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She is now 97 and we don't know where the hell she is.
3. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
4. I joined a health club last year, spent about $400. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
5. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures  out what I am doing.
6. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
7. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
8. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
9. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
10. If you are going to try cross country skiing, start with a small country.
11. And last, but not least, I don't jog - it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

LO QUE APRENDI DE MI 'AMA:
Mi madre me enseñaba a apreciar un TRABAJO BIEN HECHO: Si se van a matar háganlo afuera. Acabo de terminar de limpiar
Mi madre me enseñaba RELIGION: Mejor reza para que esta mancha salga de la alfombra
Mi madre me enseñaba LOGICA: Porque yo lo digo, por eso..... y punto
Mi madre me enseñaba PREDICCIONES: Asegúrate que estas usando ropa interior limpia y entera en caso de que tengas un accidente
Mi madre me enseñaba IRONIA: Sigue llorando y yo te voy a dar una razón verdadera para que llores
Mi madre me enseñaba a ser AHORRATIVO:Guarda las lágrimas para cuando yo me muera
Mi madre me enseñaba OSMOSIS: Cierra la boca y come
Mi madre me enseñaba CONTORSIONISMO: Mira la suciedad que tienes en la nuca, vuelvete y Mira
Mi madre me enseñaba FUERZA Y VOLUNTAD: Te vas a quedar sentado hasta que te comas todo
Mi madre me enseñó METEOROLOGIA: Parece que un huracán pasó por tu cuarto
Mi madre me enseñaba  A CONTAR: Te he dicho un millón de veces que no seas exagerado
Mi madre me enseñaba EL CICLO DE LA VIDA: Te traje a este mundo y te puedo sacar de él
Mi madre me enseñaba MODIFICACION DE PATRONES DEL COMPORTAMIENTO: Deja de actuar como tu padre
Mi madre me enseñaba ENVIDIA: Hay millones de chicos menos afortunados en este mundo que no tienen una mamá tan maravillosa como la tuya
Mi madre me enseñaba habilidades como VENTRILOQUIA: No me rezongues, cállate y contéstame: ¿porqué lo hiciste?
Mi madre me enseñaba técnicas de ODONTOLOGIA: Me vuelves a contestar y te estampo los dientes en la pared
Mi madre me enseñaba RECTITUD: Te voy a enderezar de un sólo...
GRACIAS MAMA.

Gender Guide
THE MAN'S GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH
----------------------------------------------------------
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're...so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I'm having my period
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off you shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so get used to it
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him unti he goes to sleep
I'm not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think it's important
All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those green sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

THE WOMEN'S GUIDE TO MEN'S ENGLISH ----------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this
What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
I like that one better (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!


La sutileza de la Mujer . Una mujer muy guapa caminando en la calle y un tipo la sigue diciendole con insistencia:

!Mamacita te acompaño! andale mamacita, voy contigo! !vamonos juntos mamacita!

Entonces la muchacha le responde: "Mire, no se puede, usted y yo llevamos caminos distintos..."

¿Porque? -dice el tipo

"Porque yo voy al super y usted va a ch... a su madre!!!!!"
-------
* Mi amor, hoy dia estamos de aniversario de matrimonio, por que no matamos un pollo?

>* Y que culpa tiene el pollo?, !!! por que no matamos a tu hermano que fue el que nos presento!!!

--------

Un borracho esta en el zocalo gritando:EL PRESIDENTE ES UN PENDEJO, EL PRESIDENTE ES UN PENDEJO!!!"Rapidamente, aparecen dos guaruras y que le empiezan a dar de madrazos por traicion, y se lo llevan a rastras.El pobre borracho empieza a implorarles: * "Pero si me referia al presidente de Estados Unidos!!!!!" Y un guarura le contesta:* "No trates de confundirnos cabron!! Nosotros sabemos cual es el pendejo"

Oreo Personality Test
Psychologists have discovered that the manner in  which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities.  Choosewhich method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:
1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time.
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite afterwards.
4. In little feverous nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...)
.6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreo.
Your Personality:
1. The whole thing. This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness.  You are totally irresponsible.  No one should trust you with their children.
2. One bite at a time. You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion  other people who eat their Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's okay, not to worry, you're normal.
3. Slow and methodical. You follow the rules.  You're very tidy and orderly.  You're very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others.  Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit.
4. Feverous nibbles. Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly.  You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them.  Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family.  Valium and Ritalin would do you good.
5. Dunked. Every one likes you because you are always up beat.  You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones.  You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life.  You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.
6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie. You have a highly curious nature.  You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong.  You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie. You are good at business and take risk that pay off.  You take what you want and throw the rest away.  You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others.  You should be ashamed of yourself.  But that's ok, you don't care, you got yours
.8. Just the cookie, not the inside. You enjoy pain.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them. Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help - immediately.
10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreo cookies. You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to up-scale restaurants.  You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear.  Things have to be just right.  You like to be pampered.  You are a prim.

Win2K Errors
The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:
1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
3. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE
!4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
5. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?6. Windows message: 'Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)'
7. This is a message from God Gates: 'Rebooting the world. Please log off.'
8. To 'shut down' your system, type 'WIN'
9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
10. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
11. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
12. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
13. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
14. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
15. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL and PAPER.SYS)
16. User Error: Replace user.
17. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - 'Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)'
18. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
19. User Error: Intelligence Resource Level Insufficient
20. Netscape.exe... Bad file name...
May we suggest M/S Internet Explorer? (Y/y)

Chistes 2
Chistes 3
Humor felino
Star Wars
Página principal