Excuses for Work

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who

fired me for not s showing up for work.  Okay?

deadline to meet...

~ I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

~ Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how

about them Skins, huh?  So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you?  No, no,

I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

~ I just found out that I was switched at birth.  Legally, I shouldn't come to

work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

~ The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session.  He even gave me this jaw

restraint so I won't bite things when I'm startled.

~ The dog ate my car keys.  We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

~ I prefer to remain an enigma.

~ I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is

completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter

transportation.

~ I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

~ I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

~ I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax.  I insist on

paying my fair share.

~ I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!

~ I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an

hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop,

reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only

by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the

house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times.

LAWS OF WORK

~If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

~Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

~It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

~After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

~You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

~Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

~When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

~There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

~Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

~Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

~Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

~To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

~Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

~Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

~If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

~You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

~People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

~If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

~At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

~When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

~Following the rules will not get the job done.

~Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

~When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

~No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

~The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.