warning: contents extremely long

my thanks to mikey's funnies for most of this (his list)

"Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly!"

~Dixon's Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

~The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

~Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

~One good turn gets most of the blankets.

~There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick, and the dead. .

~An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

~If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"?

~Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

~Exaggeration is not all it's cracked up to be.

~Duct tape is like The Force - it has a light side, a dark side, and is the stuff that holds the universe together.

"Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."

"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."

"Support bacteria - the only culture some people have."

"When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case; Coincidence?"

"If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something."

"Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film."

"If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?"

"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"

"Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery."

"I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out."

"Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark."

"Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor."

"Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?"

"Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!"

"For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain."

"All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand."

"I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose."

"I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either."

"I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by."

"Am I getting smart with you? How would you know? I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode."

"Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car."

"There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives."

"Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it."

"Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue."

"Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again."

"I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem."

"Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

"My Reality Check bounced."

"On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key."

"I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier."

"You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter."

"Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup."

~Willie was a Chemist, But Willie is no more, What Willie thought was H20 Was H2SO4.

~A closed mouth gathers no feet.

~Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

~It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

~Jury -- Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

~A penny saved is just another darn thing for the cat to knock off of the dresser.

~Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

~Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.

~Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue.

~Death is life’s way of telling you you’ve been fired.

~Death is Nature’s way of saying ‘slow down’.

~Don’t force it, get a larger hammer.

~Earn cash in your spare time...blackmail friends.

~Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality.

~Going the speed of light is bad for your age.

~Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

~Herblock’s Law: If it’s good, they will stop making it.

~History does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.

~It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

~It works better if you plug it in.

~It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

~Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

~Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.

~Mediocrity thrives on standardization.

~Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.

~Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.

Others