~Sesquipedaliphobianism: The fear of long words.
~ Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness in you .
~ Do you know the three times that most people are in church? When they are hatched, matched and dispatched.
~ Eat right. Exercise. Die anyway.
~ Egotist: One who is me-deep in conversation.
~ Eschew obfuscation.
~ Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
~ Every evening I turn my troubles over to God. He's going to be up all night anyway.
~ Fish and visitors smell in three days.
~ Give God what is right, not what is left.
~ Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
~ Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
~ Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.
~ He who angers you controls you.
~ He who has no Christmas in his heart will never find Christmas under a tree.
~ I am having an out-of-money experience.
~ I considered atheism, but there weren't enough holidays.
~ I'd always wondered what it would be like to live on the sun, until my mother-in-law suggested that pressing my face against a hot frying pan might give me an idea. Trust me, you DON'T want to move there.
~ I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
~ I don't care how much you and your cat love each other, if you were only a couple of inches smaller than the sweet little kitty, he'd eat you in a heartbeat.
~ I eat swiss cheese, but I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
~ If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
~ If at first you don't succeed, blame it on your parents.
~ If dogs had wings, would we call them birds?
~ If I could have time in a bottle, I'd make it a glass bottle. That way, I could see the dinosaurs.
~ If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
~ If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
~ If you look like the photo on your driver's license, you aren't well enough to drive.
~ If your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
~ If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
~ I got some bad news today: You know the money you get from those ATM machines? It comes from YOUR account!
~ I hope they don't raise the standard of living any higher. I can't afford it now.
~ I live in my own little world. But it's okay...they know me here.
~ I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
~ I'm not an organ donor, but I once gave an old piano to the Salvation Army.
~ I'm not paranoid! Which one of my enemies told you that?
~ I'm really glad the guy who invented the Ray Gun was named Ray. Being shot with a Fred Gun just wouldn't sound as cool.
~ I'm so poor, I can't even pay attention!
~ I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.
~ I owe, I owe, so off to work I go.
~ I think a really funny joke would be for NASA to send up rockets and push a bunch of planets out of alignment. Then they could sit back and laugh when everyone realizes that their horoscopes aren't coming true.
~ I think that someone must have surveillance equipment set up in my living room, because every once in a while, someone on the TV will tell me what channel I'm watching. That really freaks me out, you know?
~ It takes twice as much money to live beyond your means as it used to.
~ I went to one of those new movies last week, it was so bloody it was rated O positive!
~ I wish the chemists who successfully removed the lead from gasoline would try the same with our politicians.
~ Jesus paid the price. You get to keep the change.
~ Just fill out one simple form to win a Tax Audit!
~ JUSTICE: When our kids have their own kids.
~ Kleptomaniac: One who can't help himself from helping himself.
~ Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
~ Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
~ Lord, make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am.
~ Love may not make the world go 'round, but it certainly makes a lot of people dizzy.
~ Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
~ Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
~ Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words.
~ Money isn't everything...there's credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.
~ Money talks and often just says, "Goodbye."
~ Money: The Mint makes it first, and we try to make it last.
~ Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on  Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
~ Most people operate on a one-track mind with two rails: ME and I.
~ My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good she'll give me the other one.
~ My doctor tells me I suffer from extreme hypochondria. He prescribed a strong placebo, but I don't think it's working.
~ My weight is perfect for my height, which varies.
~ Noah's remark as the animals were boarding the ark: Now I've herd everything!
~ Nobody will ever win the Battle of the Sexes. There's just too much fraternizing with the enemy.
~ Never use a humongous word where a diminutive one will suffice.
~ Once I got angry at the chef of an Italian restaurant. So I gave him a pizza my mind.
~ One who lacks courage to start has already finished.
~ People who cough incessantly never seem to go to the doctor--they go to banquets, concerts, and church.
~ Q: How did the pig with laryngitis feel? A: Dis gruntled.
~ Quit griping about your church; if it were perfect, you couldn't belong.
~ REALITY CHECK: After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
~ Save Santa a trip--be naughty!
~ Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
~ Stock up and save. Limit: one.
~ Success is more attitude than aptitude.
~ The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
~ The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved; loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.
~ The longest word in the English language is the one that follows "And now a word from our sponsor."
~ The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
~ The word "love" can have many different meanings...it loses value when overly used and has no value at all if never spoken or shown to others.
~ To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.
~ Two good things about being a teacher: June & July.
~ Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
~ Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.
~ We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves.
~ We've just moved into our dream house. It costs twice as much as we ever dreamed it would.
~ We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers.
~ What does John the Baptist and Winnie the Pooh have in common? They both have the same middle name.
~ What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
~ What you think of me is none of my business.
~ When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
~ When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
~ Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried to slam a revolving door.
~ Why are aliens always portrayed as evil in movies? How do we know that there isn't an alien out there just waiting to share the recipe for "The Universe's Best Waffle Mix"?
~ Why won't melons elope? They cantaloupe.
~ Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.
~ You can give without loving but you cannot love without giving.
~ You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
~ You look like three miles of bad road.
~ "Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God."
~ You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter!
~ You stop believing in Santa Claus when you start getting clothes for Christmas.

~Don't look back...they might be gaining on you.