Human Conditions

One day Sassip had just come out of her foopy semi-hibernation thing phase, & was bored. "I'M BOOOOOORED!!" she said, bouncing her great sea monster member around, shaking the pad.
"Sassip, don't do that, it'll vex the landlord evil person thing," said Davy, looking distressed.
"Can I eat him?" Sassip wanted to know.
"No, it'd upset him terribly. Where's Aaalllll?? I like Al right now but I can't find her."
"UGH you like MEEEE!!!! Me me me me me!!"
"Yeah but you're a sea monster thing! But you're awfully fun to slide down," Davy said thoughtfully & climbed up onto her head to slide down but she threw him off.
"Ugh, I think I got whiplash. Uh anyway...GO AWAY! You don't like Al You Like Meeeeee you lourve me I am the greeeeatest! Me and my starfish named Krimpet and Twinkie and-"
"Oh geesh," said Davy & went to look for Al.

Sassip got awfully irritated & started hitting BT with her flipper.
"Owwww, don't do that," said BT after awhile.
"Good grief it took you thirty minutes to NOTICE," Sassip said.
"I was thinkinggggg."
"No you weren't, you never think."
"I was thinking about MICKY...TUSH!!"
"What????" said Sassip in horror. "OH NO HORROR!! Wait blah I don't care because Davy doesn't love meewaaahhh."
"No no no I swear I didn't say that!! It was the freakin' voice in my head man!!!" BT said.
"Uh yeah right sure...hey! Can you make me a human thing?"
"Huh? What kind?" said BT.
"A GIIIIIIRL!!" Sassip screamed.
BT snorted. "Obviously."
"Oh, she snorted," said Sassip with distaste. "Make me into a human, pleease? I won't punt you for a whole month."
BT thought this over. "Will you punt Micky every time he doesn't like me?"
"Yeah yeah okay sure whatever!"
"Okay!" said BT & blinked at Sassip. She looked much as she had when she had been a human princess, although she didn't have a tiara & her hair was kind of foopy since Davy had been sitting on her head, but she looked pretty much like a human...except she had six toes on her right foot. But nobody noticed this, even her, because she was wearing shoes, and anyway it doesn't come into play the whole rest of the story.

Davy was running around after Al who was wearing a skirt for some reason and not her usually sweat pant type things.
"Come ooonn just a TEEENSY little snog?" he was saying.
"NOOO!" said Al and ran right into Sassip's fist.
"Ouwrgh!" said Al and rolled around holding her nose.
"DAAAAAVVVYYYY Sweetum sugar corn crisp cereal type thinnnggg!" said Sassip sweetly.
"Wot the..." said Davy stopping short, tripping over Al and seeing Sassip in all her weird glory.
Sassip fiddled around in the pouch of an apron she had on, and pulled out her tiara. She put it on and twinkled at Davy.
Davy twinkled back and went for her but Al huffed. "DAAAAVVYYYY I thought you loved MEEE!" said Al and snogged him.
Al and Sassip looked at each other and a roll about knock out fight ensued.
Davy looked bewildered and ran behind BT.
"What... how... did you do that!?" he asked. He was scared now cause Sassip was weird as a human. Yet so purty.
"Yes, because she said she wouldn't punt me anymore!" said BT huffily and moved out of the way. Al and Sassip both stopped, looked at Davy as if for the first time, twinkled at him, noticed each other, and then both made for Davy. This caused a general clash of bodies and Al and Sassip went at it AGAIN.
"Noooo!" said Davy and ran away. BT giggled. "That'll show Al, stuffing my face with soap and stuff."
Unfortunately Al heard BT and dragged her into the fight and a three way fight ensued.
Someone punched Al and she rolled out with a nose bleed.
"Ugh..." said Al.
Someone punched Sassip and she rolled out with a black eye.
"UGH!" said Sassip.
Someone punched BT who was still fighting with herself so it was probably herself what punched herself and she rolled out with a bleeding tooth.
"UGH!" she said.

The Monkees came in from the beach and stared at the mess.
BT fixed her tooth and punched Sassip who she swore punched her.
"I didn't! You punched yourself yourself!" Sassip whined.
"You did WHAT!?" asked Mike and Micky and Peter who were looking for Davy who was hiding behind Mike.
"Oh BT turned me into a GIRL!!" said Sassip.
"And uh who are you?" said Peter.
"I'm SASSIP!! Don't you remember when I was a girl?" said Sassip in an offended tone.
"Oh...yeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhh," Micky said & twinkled at her but BT flew at him & they ensued in a messy fight, which inspired Al & Sassip to start over & pretty soon BT was fighting Al & Sassip was fighthing Micky and then Peter was fighting Sassip & Al was fighting Micky & Mike & BT was having tea with Davy and it was oh-so-confusing.
"STOP!!!" said Mike but nobody heard him, so he blew the infamous shiny cop whistle & everyone stopped in midpunch. Or midkick. Or midhairpull. Et cetera et cetera.

"I'm confused," said Mike.
"BT made Sassip a human because she's evil," said Al bitterly.
"And I love Davy," said Sassip. "But SHE thinks-"
"I LOVE HIM HE'S MINE!" said Al.
"Mmm, Sassip and toast," said Micky dreamily until BT made the worst face & hit him with a frying pan because it was their new ongoing thing continued from story #14.
"Toast?" said Sassip in a puzzled tone.

"Oh dear," said Peter & finished BT & Davy's discarded tea.
"It's 'cause I'm short," said Davy.
"I myself am deeply jealous," Micky stated.
"WHYYY YOU HAVE MEEEEE!!" BT shrieked in his ear.
"Ow," said Micky & leaned away because she was loud.
"I love David Jones," said Sassip.
"I love David Jones," said Al.
"I love David Jones," said BT.
"No you don't," said Mike.
"Sshh, we needed another girl," BT hissed.
"Will the real David Jones please stand up?" said Micky.
"No no no, don't you see where we wrote the extra bit in on the cue card?" BT hissed. "UGH you people can't do anything right," she said & stalked off the set.
"Uh that was odd," said Sassip & clung to Davy, who fell over because she was slightly taller than him.
"NOOO," said Al & clung to Davy's other side despite the fact that he was on the floor. "I'm glad there's only one BT," Micky said in an exhausted tone. "Now you understand my PLIGHT, Davy??"
"Mm, this is fun!" said Davy.
"Oh geez," said Micky & went to have a nice conversation with the sentient pound cake over some Coke & potato chips.
Davy asked both girls to politely GET OFF and then he wandered around the pad trying to think, with Al and Sassip following him, drooling all the time.

"Ewww that's gross," said Peter, who followed them and wiped their mouths.
"Well what do you expect from that slobbering fool?" asked Al.
Sassip looked around. "What slobbering fool?"
"I think she means you..." Peter whispered.
"WHAT!? ME!? I AM NOT! Just because I used to leave large drool pools around when I was semi-hibernating, doesn't mean I'm a slobbery foooollll!"
"Shut up Sassip," said Al and continued to pine after Davy.
"You didn't even want to kiss him!" said Sassip.
"I did too but I was trying to keep a measure of composure about these stories because BT is so foopy," said Al.
"THAT is a moot moooot point!" said Sassip.
"Do you even know what that means?" asked Al.
"Yeh. Moot is like a squid thing, man, and he used to..."
"No Sassip.." said Peter and got a drool pail for her.
"Guys stop folllooowwwiiinnnggg me!" shouted Davy running around.
Meanwhile, BT was smacking Micky with the frypan occasionally.
"BT knock it offff!" he shouted.
"I know you are eyeing her!" BT sniffed.
"But who cares? You aren't MINE so lay off!" said Micky, shoving the pan away.
"TTUUUSSSHHHAAAGGGEEE!" shouted BT, turned bright red, and scuffled off in humiliation.
"Ha, I bet she thinks she can blame that 'so-called-voice' of hers," Micky muttered and laid down to relax in peace.

Meanwhile, Mike was out visiting Sparkplug, who though still sentient, had found it much easier to stay firmly rooted in the ground except for brief excursions into the pad.
Davy had decided he liked Poundcake right now and was striking up an interestingly animated conversation with him.
"Eww..." said Al.
"He loves... food..." said Sassip. They stopped drooling and watched Davy have the time of his life with the poundcake.
"So, do you play croquet?" Davy inquired politely.
"No, as a matter of fact I do not. Do you?"
"No, actually, I was just making conversation."
"Oh, ahahaha," the pound cake laughed gracefully.
"This is stupid," said Al. "TUSHAAAAGE!" she screeched & lunged for Davy who shrank back in fear.
"NOOOOO MIIINE," said Sassip. "Hey...did you say TUSHAGE?"
"Uh...nonono I swear it was BT's voice!" Al said turning bright purple.
"Oh good grief," said Sassip & curled up in Davy's lap and went to sleep, which was QUITE an achievement considering he was standing up.

"I think that is the oddest thing I have ever seen," said Peter walking in with a banana.
"What's with the banana? Aren't you into popsicles now?" said BT.
"No, I like bananas better. They're so...banana-y," said Peter & began to peel it.
"Oh," said BT & then suddenly shouted, "I LOVE MICKY MORE THAN COCONUTS!!"
"Ahaa...I bet that was your little 'voice' friend wasn't it," said Mike sarcastically.
"Nope that was MEEEE," said BT & stood on her head.
"Oh geez," Micky said in an embarrassed tone & hid under the couch.
"Ohhhh how CUTE," said BT & melted into a puddle of slush.
"Uh-oh, ICKY," said MT, entering, stepping neatly over BT, & plopping down on the couch.
"OOF!! Gffmeeeee!" said Micky.
"Uhoh, Mommyyyy the couch is mentioned," said MT tugging on Al's sleeve.
"Huh? Yes, authors mention couches sometimes," said Al brushing him away.
"Nonono the couch is mentioned TALKING mentioned!!"
"Sure thingy sweetums," said Al toying with Davy's hair.
"He means," said Micky, crawling out from under the couch, "'sentient.' Don't you, weird kid fooper thing looks like me."
"YEAH!! Micky is the couch," said MT & left.
Al looked puzzled but didn't care. She played with Davy's hair and Sassip licked his feet.
Al started to laugh. Sassip looked at her. "WHAT!?" she sniffed.
"Uh... well... oh nevermind," said Al.
Davy looked alarmed that Sassip was licking his feet.
"Uh, Sassip love, what are you doing?" he asked in a condescending tone.
"OOOOH he was condescending to you!" said Al evilly.
"Whaaatt!?" said Sassip looking offended.
"Sorry... it's nothing..." said Davy who looked bewildered and scared.
Al got bored and snogged him and then clung to his leg.

No one paid any attention to her and then Sassip ran around the room trying to get his attention. By and by Al fell asleep on Davy after poofing into a cat.
"NOOO Davy likes cats! Why can't *I* be a cat too!?" shouted Sassip. She grabbed BT from out of nowhere and demanded she turn her into a cat.
"Nooooo..." said BT. So Sassip punted her. BT went about a foot because Sassip didn't have big flippers anymore. But BT got annoyed.
"FIIINNE" she shouted and turned Sassip into a cat.
"YAY!" said Sassip as she was a talking cat. She got into a cat-fight with Al who realized what happened. After they got out of the cat fight, Al laughed heartily at Sassip as she could not change back by herself and her love spell on Davy was broken, so Davy and Al went back to normal relations and Davy liked Sassip the cat, but he didn't want to snog her or marry her or anything of the sort. Finally Sassip decided it would be best just to stay a sea monster as her second joy in life.. punting.. was out when she was a human.

The End.

Next Issue: Peter inadvertently turns Al and BT into boys again, but this time it's not on purpose.

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