| Dear Santa,
I remember last year that we were close to this same place of wishes and dreams. However Santa, I have only one dream and desire for this wondrous of all days....it's to bring my dear, sweet, lovely, exciting GG back to me. Santa, she's never left my heart of thoughts but for some reason, I seem to have misplaced her somewhere and I need her back as quickly and safely as possible. Please see what you can do to help me in this quest of hearts. Thank you,
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Dear Rick, awwwww that's soooo
sweet. Your letter brought tears to my eyes...NOT!!
**GG for Christmas,
request #7043**
Grump E. Elf |
| Dear Santa,
Do you remember that last year I asked you for a new job and a life? Well, I got both....thank you!! Now Santa, I don't want to sound ungrateful, but this year could you maybe bring me some time to enjoy my new life? Maybe put an auto-eject button in my office chair that will propel me out of the office at a decent hour each night (i.e., before 8:00 pm.). And, Santa, while you're at it, could you put a few new friends in my stocking too? I'm really growing bored of the conversations I've been having with Me, Myself and I (don't get me wrong, they're great people....but, as they say, variety is the spice of life). Lastly, please give all my 'net friends whatever they want this year. That way I won't have to listen to their whining about being short-changed by the big guy in the red suit for yet another year! Love,
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Dear Bergi, Gimme a NEW JOB - gimme a LIFE - now make them better! So, what I read about you on the cyber-restroom stall is true you really are insatiable aren't you? And from what I have seen of your " 'net friends" there is nothing that could ever make them stop whining - I think you'll have to just get use to it. Now, leave Santa and I something as warm and sweet out this Christmas Eve as you did last year and we promise to fulfill all your desires again - or is that fulfill OUR desires - hmmmm - will check with the BIG GUY on that! Yule-log-illy Yours-
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| Dear Santa,
There are a few things I would like this year, if you get the chance. 1. A man to warm me in bed (ok, make me hot in bed, whatever) - he can even be the used one I used to have if you think that's best. 2. A cure for migraine headaches. 3. To win the site competition I'm in, all the way to the final round. 4. Peace and goodwill for everyone, you know, the usual Christmas wish stuff! 5. Continuing excellence in the Voyager series! Thank you :-)
Jane (aka Kelly) |
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Dear Jane: Now let me see if I have this correct here - you basically want Santa to fix your body (in a few ways) and rig a contest for you - sure no sweat - why not just ask for world peace while you're at it - OH WAIT YOU ASKED FOR THAT TOO! What happened to the days when folks wanted dolls and trains. Will see that Santa gets your request! Looks like we have had a back-up in the Pro Wrestling action figure sector ... they can't seem to make it past the inspectors, and those that do are covered in lipstick hmmmmm must be the new help!! *grumble*
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| Hi Santa.. may I call you Santa?
NO MATTER WHAT OTHERS MAY HAVE TOLD YOU..
Hey, I don't ask for much!
Lynn |
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Dear Lynn, You can call me Santa LORD knows I've been called worse - okay so that's one double key-boarded, duel slotted, Cd playin', browser friendly puter with a "bucket" to sit on right? And check your stocking for a new "Miracle Ear" so you can quit the hollering! Guess who pulled reindeer stall duty AGAIN? Wonder where my shovel is? Crab B. Elf |
| Dear Santa Baby:
OK so 'tis the season to be corny so my apologies to all who believe I'm the toughest nut to crack (of course I am but still have my moments, hehe). What I wish for everyone, besides world peace,which you continuously forget to put in my stalking, is Health, happiness, Friends, and merriment in that order. I suppose prosperity should fit in there someplace, but frankly when you're blessed with the 1st four, the last counts for very little. Awww , who said youth was wasted on the young (shaddup Dave), some of us do have a sense of priority ! All I really want for Christmas besides what
I've mentioned above is a nice white Christmas with snow banks galore for
Griffin to jump in and for everyone to enjoy. May no one ever forget the
joy of building a snowman, the warmth and comfort of a fireplace and the
dream of "One Silent Night Where There Truly Is Peace On Earth and Good
Will to All
Merci Santa,
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Dear Upsy, Your letter has been received, we know this due to the reindeer dropping marks we found on the back, you don't have reindeer in that apartment of yours do you? No? Then it must be from our postal system then. Hmmmmmm I am guessing you get sappy and sentimental this time of year or you had one too many glasses of wine with dinner. I suggest you check the toe of your stocking for the "World Peace" you asked for ... Santa hides things there sometimes! Time to referee a penguin hockey game ... where's my cup? Crab B. Elf |
| Dear Santa:
You might want to grab a snack and your favorite holiday beverage because this might take awhile to get through. I have decided to divide my letter (AKA the annual "begging of the gifts") to you into four parts this year. For your reference this is the introduction haha. An overview of Guards letter:
Ok lets get started here! My first wish is for 1998 to just end already. You know it hasn't been a bed of plum pudding here this year and I am so looking forward to 1999 and all the possibilities that it holds. I would like a quick hair re-growing system (I think I saw an infomercial on that during one of my chemo induced hallucinations, if not then please ask you're hairiest elf to send me his/her (ewwwwww) secrets please). I'd like about 50 years of positive ... no wait negative ... no wait ... lets just say normal blood tests. I figure by the time I'm 88 I'll have to trade in my fishnets for support hose and my stilettos for orthopedic shoes anyway so I'll be ready to leave this place then trust me! (Man I guess those OLD folks are right when they talk about having your health huh?) I'd like one night (just one mind you) with Sam Elliott just to see if he's really all that I want him to be (just my luck he's like a "real man" gheeeeez). I wouldn't be opposed to winning "Publishers Clearing House" but would appreciate you sending me a sign that the "Prize Patrol" was on it's way I would hate to be on national TV in my nightie OH WAIT what am I saying please warn me so I can put on my nightie that's what I meant. I'd like for you to force all my chat pals that I plan on seeing this next year to not be able to pack up and move the day before my arrival! And now for my pals (in the order they are appearing to me on my ICQ hahaha) Andy: an advanced copy of my hard drive and I his Bergi: a crash course in stiletto balancing BikerDad: a ½ dozen more chat pals JUST LIKE ME (scary thought huh B?) BikerMom: an ICQ account that works or the ability to reconfigure B's to suite her haha Chici: a chatters "kill em if they make ya mad" software package. Chit: a soap writers correspondence course. Choocher: protective pit crew gear! Della and Foxy: many happy years and a trip to DC National Airport Dkbrowneyes: unlimited long distance calls FGD Warden: a big animal to track down, drag outta the woods by its hair, and mount over his fireplace (oh wait that's ME!) Gecko: stealth internet access mode for those "runs" shhhhhh be bery bery quiet Haymaker: 3 visitors from the states (not wise men ... guess again) Janeway: that teleporter/transmitter thingy she wanted for Halloween. Joe: a cubicle closer to the restroom Kerdra: a new PC with a modem faster than the one the Flintstones used! Lacaramba: all the sunrises from that pier he can handle!! *wink* LadyS: a "How to turn Llamas into cash" brochure a book on the subject would be a waste of paper! Leah: the knees of a 17 year old girl LOL Lynn: a damn sense of humor would be a nice change! *don't make me have to slap her again please* and lots of showers without the worry of someone flushing! Maddie: a "Welcome to chat hell" tee-shirt Poet: endless inspiration for her writing Rixster: a lunch at "Taco Laredo" Ron: a dummy for his knee for his ventriloquist act (can you hear me?) Sensuous1 (hussie sis): someone to do her homework - oh wait she has that already Tails: hey Santa I got something special for her *WINK* will deliver it in person in Dec. Tom: a kiss from "Scarlet" Upsy: unlimited graphic software, and her own business to work her magic with! oh and a all male buff staff .. oh and a job for me there! Wheyesguy: free time away from Dear Park :) Well my red velvet and fur clad Santa Stud that about wraps it up. And psssttttttt between you and me if ya just keep my friends safe and healthy and happy it will be enough for me I swear. So we on again this year or what big guy? Under the mistletoe at midnight? You, 2% milk, and me right? Lord knows I've been entirely too good this year lets move me over to the naughty side of the list ok? HO HO HUBBA HUBBA HO
Love,
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Dear Guardgirl, Did you ever hear of dropping a "quick" note? If this is any indication of the sermons you subject others too I would wager to guess that they avoid you like the plague! Of course you do realize that "most" of the things you have asked for are way outta my league here ... I'm an ELF for crying out loud not "the miracle worker" but I'll do my best and send the big guy a subliminal message while he's watching "Wreath Of Fortune". Now as for moving you into the "naughty category" from what I see next to your name on this list you're already so DEEP in that group you could be VIRGINAL (oh well they say this is the season of miracles) for the next five years and your placement is secure, I must go seems there's another meltdown in sector 12 and we have workers inhaling helium and moonwalking while singing Michael Jackson hits ... So just beat it! All that happy crap
back at ya -
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