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Dear Santa,
I'm sorry to say I've been disappointed in the past. I ask you over and over to turn hubby into Mel Gibson...hell, even Paul Reubens would be an improvement but every year....jeez! So I'll change my list this year. Forget Mel and Paul. All I want for Christmas is a sexy, pre-childbirth body, a training manual that will have my kids rolling over and "staying" within a week, and ten million dollars. Think you can handle that? name=Jjaye_
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Dear Jjaye, Well, excuuusssse us! So you didn't get Mel or Paul.. sheesh, we're not "Fantasies-R-Us"...we're just underpaid, overworked elves here, ya know! Some women would be happy to have your hubby! (want the list? I got names and phone numbers too). Ok, let's see.... ummm, your Christmas wishes should be pretty simple for us... everything is in our library:
1. "Age Erasers for Moms" written by Sag E. Chest
Gotta run, time to start polishing the big guy's sleigh! He was very upset with me yesterday... sheesh, one little test drive to Hawaii. Grump E. Elf |
| Hello Mr. Santa Sir,�
�� My my don't you look nice in that red suit?� If you dont mind could i maybe sit on your lap to give you my christmas list?� I don't want much this time,I promise!� Lets see, well my puter at home sucks, I mean, it doesn't work well santa (almost blew that innocent claim huh?)I need a good computer to do work only on, I would never use it for other purposes :-)) (fingers crossed tightly at this point, shut up elves!) I want at least a 350 mmx with a 8 gig hard drive and a digital camera and one of those little cameras on top of the puter that u can see who you are talking to and they can see you.� For business only you understand?�Plus I am totally out of perfume here, I love the Elizebeth Arden 5th Avenue cologne and would dearly love some new jewlery and clothes.� Hmmmmm what else, I need a car too if it isn't too much trouble?� A red one to match my new lipstick would be perfect!� I think thats about it, but since my birthday is Christmas Day too, do you need my birthday wish list?� Write back soon Santa and nooooooo your legs aren't asleep from me sitting there, I am not that heavy!� Ohhhhhhh and I almost forgot, bring my family something nice, all my web friends everything they want too pleaseeeeeeee??� I love you Santa,�� Your most ardent admirer� Chici |
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Dear Chici,� Thanks for your letter. Now I know where the phrase "material girl" came from. Let's see, 1 super duper computer; cameras (not 1 but 2); perfume (E. Arden no less); jewelry; clothes; matching lipstick and car set...and YOU'RE NOT FINISHED YET???!! You wanna send a birthday list toooooo??! Of course, flattery will get you everywhere with da boss!! And sitting on his lap all day isn't going to hurt your chances either. Way ta go! (suck-up) I'm sure Santa will believe every word of your "business" approach (he's easy), as for me, I don't buy a word of this crap! Yes, I've noticed all the guys breathing heavy when you get online (could be a coincidence? yeah right). I will pass your requests on to the big house like a good lil elf (gag!) And at least you did think of your family and friends. That's nice. ***NOTE TO FAMILY AND FRIENDS:�
I gotta go check on the elves in the Rambo action-figure dept. Seems somebody there is on another anti-violence kick this year ... NO NO NO!!! RAMBO DID NOT CARRY AN ANTI-NRA PROTEST SIGN! AND WHO PAINTED THE PINK DAISYS ON HIS HELMET??� SHEESH �
Grump E. Elf |
| Dear Santa,�
Under protest, I am once again writing to you, despite my lobby against commercialism... ahem.. that is, of course, unless the end result is for something to be heading MY way.� I'd love to ask for world peace, goodwill and all that other stuff, but I figured they'd be lots of other folks asking for that, so instead, I thought I'd just get right down to the point.� For my first wish, [oh, wait.. are you like
the Genie and grant three wishes?? hmmm probably not.. so make this my
first priority wish..]� I'd like to receive a book on what to do with
eyelids and toes.� I hear those are very�
For my second priority wish, would you please
help me locate a source that would tell me the value of titanium and also
a description of its relative strength when compared to human flesh.�
I hear this precious metal might be�
For my third priority wish, I would like a set of brakes for a friend's car. That darn car has certainly logged enough miles going downhill!!� Well, being that I'm such an easy going type
of guy.. if the above is too much to ask, then I suppose another lump of
coal in my stocking would be fine, too...My collection of coal lumps may
one day enable me to light up Denver�
Thanks, Big Guy� Wheyesguy� [p.s. Santa, I hope you recognize the message
above is encoded so that your�
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Dear Wheyesguy,� Little suggestion..next
year, stick to the world peace stuff!!� If you expect Mr. Claus to
divulge the mysteries requested, I suggest you leave
much more than your usual offering of lukewarm milk on Christmas Eve.�
As for your 3rd wish, our records indicate that your friend's "downhill"
spiral began shortly after their first contact with you, soooo I'm afraid
more than a set of brakes are needed in this case.�
Another thing, are you the same Wheyesguy who sent Santa the case of Slimfast last year?????�� **checking records**� ooooo, man, I suggest you be prepared to build that fire, and forget Denver, start thinking the entire state of COLORADO.� OK, guys, put this in the 3rd box on the left..yeah, that one, "Letters to read for a good laugh after Christmas" or the one beside it, marked.."Yet another sex-starved male wanting Santa to explain women".�� hahahahahahahahaha� I love Christmas!� Grump E. Elf |
