This is how Ive done in April..

Hi guys...First; im sorry I havent written here in some days..but that is only because Ive been fasting, so Ive been tired as hell. Maybe because I didnt drink enough water. Anyways..Ive also had three horrible days!! 28th April I binged! and that was just because of my fucking sister! Why did she have to come home when I was doing so well? I coulden eat alone in my room and throw the food in the bags when she was here..she would come inn! So I had to eat my dinner. She fucked it all up. Next day I eat dinner (chiken salad) and after some hours I ate two toast!! Im loosing my control! yesterday I was shopping with my class, and my friends and I went to Mc.Donalds...I hadnt eaten anything that day, and my friends knew that so I had to order a small salad with a diet coke. When we were on our way home, on the boat, I had to order a chips so that I woulden get sea-sick (hate that feeling..and when I came home I had a pice cake! I feel so unbelivable fat and discusted! Today I had to eat a vegi pizza..mum was giving me the speach "u havent eaten anything today.. you cant go all day long without food" so I ate the pizza infront of her to pleas her. Oh..and tomorrow is comf. day...how am i going to hide my secret there?..oh well..Ill figurate something.
- CK

I did it again :D ... Im so pride of myself! I actually feel more incontrol! well..as long as it lasted. Mum just broke the news that next sunday..im going to my mums friends child's confirmation!! and the next sunday after that im going to my cousins confimation! How am I going to keep my fasting in order when Im doomed to fail?? :O.. Im soooooo mad!! I hate it! its like Im beeing punished!!.. like Im not alowed to be thin and beautiful! god how i hate this fucked up life right now!..I swear! i could kill someone! Anyways..I just have to try not to eat much..telling my mum that Im feeling sick or something so I cant finish my plate. It will worke at least the first confirmaton..dont think it will work on the next one.
- CK

Oh my god! I just ate dinner!! As Ive mantion befor...I have to eat it because I dont eat red meat..therfor my mum would notis it.. anyways..to day we had this late dinner..and gues wot.. fried chicken!! Oh my god!! befor, that was my fave. dish ever! but to day i think i had my brake through. Since I eat in my room.. u all must think that it must be easy to hide food and stuff..but it aint. anyways.. i so wantet to eat the chicken.. but I couldent..rite..I would gaind who know how much weight. At first I started to put the wole chicken legs in a plasticbag.. but then..if I did that..mum would notise..because..where are the bones!.. so i simpel just ripped the meat off and spit it out in the plasticbag. brilliant or wot!!..all i have to do now is to wait for my mum to go to bed and my stepfather to either do the same or be down here in the comp. room so I can throw the food out to the cats. (4 cats outside our house)... I feel good! I havent eaten today..expect the salad and some bred with the chicken.. btw..ive lost 4,2 lbs since the 21th im now 124.08 LBS :D
- CK

Yesterday I manage to only eat one appel and some few chochletbites and two cups with coffie..and nothing more! :D Im so happy... but then again.. today.. I had to eat my dinner.. yesterday I could thro it away because neither my mum or my stepfather was home when I came home. I really hope I didnt gain weight.. The thing, to not know if I really do have ED really bothers me. How can I bee sure? Its like I need to be told that I have it. I know Im paranoid and are afraid that im just paranoid about ED too. That I want ANA so bad that I only belive I have ED. I know its wrong by me to say that "i want EDNOS"..and It may offend thouse who suffer from it. But in my heart i know i need to be thin to be excepted. To have selfasteam ... only if it is for some minutes... It hurts to think about it. That I am "doomed" to live in shame, I know I say im pride to be a freak..I am to really.. but that doesnt mean that I dont want the perfect boddies every girl I see is walking with.
- CK

Oh my god!! I cannot live home anymore! I cant take it!!...I have to eat here so that mum wount notise that Im not! God how I hate it!.. Yesterday I actually had to eat fried potatos and sausages!! Ive never beed so ashamed of myself bedore... and I had to purge! I hate purging. But its either that or putting on weight. Ah I cant wait to get 18! move away from this house!! I'll be my own master! I'll deside wot Im going to eat and when. I even can have thinnspiration on the fridge! and when I'll get some friends over I'll just put them away for a wile. GOD! I cannot wait! I'll have to move to the City though..no mathe how much I hate ppl. I have to begin training.. on a gym. I hate running around outside...to many cars..(im paranoid remember). Anyways..enough about that. Today Ive only hade my coffe (75*2 cal.) and a vegy pizza. Dont remeber how many cals. it was in it. I still dont know how on earth I made mum belive I wantet to get heltyer by only eating white meat. I kinda did to..thats probbalbey why she went for it. well..gotta stop chatting ive got work to do.
- CK

Hi there..this is my first entry here. Today I feel I've been a good girl. Ive only had one cop of coffee (75*2 cal.) and a glass of juice (45cal). I couldent escape dinner as always, beacue I dont eat red meet, mum has to cook me something else, so she would notised if I didnt eat. Hopfully there wasnt to many cals. in it. I cant belive I managed to go from 111 lbs to 118 lbs one just one week! Damnit... Im so angry at myself letting it happend. Curse friends and my dad!.. I cant let them know that Im afraid of food and fat. They wouldent understand.. and they would just lie to me, telling me I look perfectly fine. I know better though. At least Ive manage to almost go down to 114 lbs one two-three days. Just have to keep that up. But I guess I'll have to stop chatting here and start to biuld on my site.
- CK