The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:
12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until our friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally "disappear".
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned.
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the
kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle
slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio
door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the
crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and
bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to
the phone and summoned an ambulance.
Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long
steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived
and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed
it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels,
blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.
The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving
home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He
became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette.
After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still
seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband
screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His
trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his
legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.
The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The
paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street.
While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the
paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the
paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the
husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his ankle.
Barney, Our favorite purple dinosaur has gone on the record endorsing the
International Order of the Rolling Brokkoli Riders and had this to say:
I love you
You love me
We're a happy family....now pass the fucking Brokkoli!
Broccoli or Beer (Why not both)
Out of our mail bag we recieved this letter
Lee Freedman writes:
Broccoli is now receiving national attention. Saw a beer commercial
during the NCAA final game and the guys were all holding stalks of Brocc
instead of beer Now if we can just convince teenagers that broccoli is
healthier than beer, one of our more pressing problems will have been solved
Who knows, maybe someday we'll see an advertisement for Broccoli cigarettes!
This so called beer commercial you speak of was a subliminal message for the Rolling Broccoli Riders. As you have just proven it worked. (ps. we have our own cigarettes)
Some reasons why Brokkoli is better than Jesus:
No one will kill you for not eating brokkoli
Brokkoli doesn't tell you how to have sex
Brokkoli has never caused a major war
Brokkoli is never forced on minors who can't think for themselves
Brokkoli lovers don't knock on doors trying to give it away
No one has ever been burned at the stake, hanged or tortured over brokkoli
You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second helping of brokkoli
The existence of brokkoli can be proven
DID YOU KNOW...
- 14 acres of wild broccoli rainforest are cut down every minute?
- Broccoli is a renewable resource?
- Continued exposure to broccoli has been know to cause cancer in
laboratory rats?
- Broccoli was designed by the CIA to overthrow dictators in Central America?
- There is no Broccoli Studies department at any California university?
- Broccoli is responsible for Jimmy Hoffa's dissapearence?
- In the Bible it says that we should eat more broccoli?
- Broccoli contributes to global warming?
- Extinction rates of up to 5 species every minute are accountable to broccoli?
- People under the influence of Broccoli are more likely to be kidnapped by aliens?
- Eons ago, a great cataclysmic chain reaction started by Broccoli initiated the first Ice Age?
- Elvis ate Broccoli. Now he's gone. Enough said.
- There are many cover-ups to the underground testing of Broccoli?
- Broccoli are actually Martians in their most evolutionary advanced state?
- Mass migrations of Broccoli lead to instability in the Moon's orbit?
- Broccoli vampires originated in Germany and contributed to the formation of Cauliflower?
Fact or Fiction: Can you tell?
Broccoli has been around for thousands of years. There is no way it
can be bad for me.
False: Broccoli was developed in the 1960's by the United States
government and it has been determined that broccoli smoking is harmful
to your health.
Governments have tried to ban broccoli.
True: At the Earth Summit in Rio, countries failed because George
Bush endorsed the continued harvesting of broccoli.
But broccoli never hurt anybody.
False: Broccoli has been proven to cause spontaneous human combustion
in 4% of all men and 1.5% of all women.
Or...Are you
VEGETABLE
enough to witness more Broccoli, very well...
Go to the home page
