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I was helping someone set up his computer, and he wanted to log in with a password. Now you have to understand he's got somewhat of a rebellious attitude and goes for the shock effect. So when the computer asked him to enter his password, he keys in "penis".
I nearly fell off the chair from laughing so hard when the computer replied:
*** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH ***
* You're a bitch.
* When asked, 'Is something bothering you?' reply NO, then get ticked off because something is REALLY bothering you.
* Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening. Deciding what dress & shoes to wear is a very delicate & time-consuming process.
* Whine & complain a lot (non-stop).
* If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost superhuman level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep, it's because he is lazy.
* If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.
* Demand to be treated as an equal in everything. Except when paying for meals, plane tickets, concerts, beers, etc. These are required gifts proving his love.
* Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all of the stress of your life.
* Remember that any woman who so much as looks at your boyfriend must be labeled a tramp and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quickly as possible.
* Your train of thought is that "All day he thinks about sex", and you say that to cover up the fact that you're thinking about it too, so it doesn't make you look like the pervert, but in reality, you're just as bad as he is.
* Make your boyfriend's / husband's life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.
* You have no clue what you want, you love him, but you break his heart anyways.
* Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him and immediately expect him to stop this behavior.
* When he looks at another girl, you get mad and when he is not looking, you are checking out some other guy's butt.
* Dress provocatively in tight short outfits and get upset quickly when guys try to pick you up & check you out and you wonder: "Hmmm... why???"
* You can't drive, period. The car accident is the fault of your passengers / the pedestrians / other drivers / the tree / the lamp post / the dog crossing the street.
* Picky, picky, picky, and then you can't make up your mind.
* As soon as you have a new boyfriend, you change his opinions & views. Whatever he likes is a thing of the past if you don't like it. He's not allowed to see his friends anymore because he has to spend quality time with you.
* You want him to be honest, so when you ask him: "Does my butt look too fat?", anything he answers results in a yelling of a lifetime. If he answers YES, then you accuse him of being superficial, if he answers NO, then you tell him he's a liar.
* The list could go on forever...
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce." The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here." She asks, "What's that?" The ! husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"
In a train car there were a Canadian, an American, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the American had a big red slap mark on his cheek.
(1) The blonde thought - "that American son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who inturn must have slapped his face."
(2) The fat lady thought - "this dirty old American laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him".
(3) The American thought - "That fucking Canadian put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me".
(4) The Canadian thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid American again".
A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution.
He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him. The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, "yes, I can do the operation."
After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel. The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, "You bastard, you gave me a woman's ears."
"Well, an ear is an ear. It makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's."
"You're wrong! I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!"
A blonde was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee. Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.
She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order. She asked, "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?"
The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."
"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"
"Yes, ma'am?"
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
"What was wrong with it?"
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"
The librarian nodded and said, "Ahh. So you must be the idiot who took our phone book."
A guy starts chatting with a girl in a bar.
"What's your name?" he asks.
"Carmen," she says. "I had my name changed from 'Mary Lou' to 'Carmen', because I love cars, and I love men."
"I see," he says.
"What's your name?" she asks him.
He thought for a second.
"Beersex."
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them "The first one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Labrador Retriever speaks up quickly and says "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."
She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said "How well can you do?"
"Ummm, how about: I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Labrador's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Labrador and says, with a thick Mexican accent,...........
"Liver alone". "Cheese mine".
At the end of the workday, one cowboy tells another, "That new bull nearly did me in today, partner."
The other cowboys asks, "Oh yeah, what happened?"
"I was putting out the feed, when the sucker came charging at me like a locomotive from hell. He damn near killed me!"
"So, how'd you get away?", says the other cowboy.
He replies, "Well, the bull kept slipping. He slipped three times, and that gave me a chance to make it to the fence and jump over."
The other cowboy says, "Man, that's scary. If it'd been me, I would have been so scared out of my mind, I probably would have taken a crap all over the place!"
He says, "I DID! What do you think the bull was slipping on?"
A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license now."
The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned."
The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable young little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes. She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful.
The woman said, "what are you supposed to say sweetheart?"
The young little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweet!"
The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door.
The woman says to the child, "Go ahead honey, say it just one more time."
Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweet!"
The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing.
The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.
The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, "Oh crap, thanks a lot bitch, you just broke all my goddamn cookies!"
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.
"Tarzan not know sex", he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use a hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave Jane an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, "Tarzan check for bees."
A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on. The doctor then begins to exam her head.
The brunette says, "Is there something wrong with my head Doctor?"
The doctor replies, "Well.... yes."
"What is it?", asks the brunette.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde".
"I thought so." he said, "...your finger is broken".
This Booty Call Agreement (Hereinafter referred to as the "Agreement") is entered into on the _____ day of __________, 2000, by____________________, between ____________ and ______________.
THIS AGREEMENT SHALL COVER THE FOLLOWING RULES AND PRINCIPLES:
1. No sleeping over, unless it is very good and we need to repeat it in the morning.
2. No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks before the events of the evening.
3. No calls before 9 PM, we don't have shit to talk about.
4. None of that "lovemaking" shit, only mind-blowing sex allowed.
5. No emotional discussions... eg. Where are we heading with this? Do you love me? The answer is no, so don't ask.
6. No plans made in advance - that is why you are called the "backup", unless you are from out-of-town, then it's only a one-time advanced arrangement.
7. All gifts accepted, money is always good.
8. No baby talk, however dirty talk is encouraged.
9. No asking for comparisons with former lovers, it's really none of your damn business.
10. No calling each other "friends with privileges", we are not friends, just sex buddies.
11. Calling out the wrong name during sex is OK; don't be offended.
12. No extra clothing. I don't want your ass leaving anything behind when you leave.
13. No falling asleep right after sex; it's over, so get your ass up and go home.
14. Don't be offended if I don't ask if you enjoyed it, I don't care.
15. You cannot borrow my car for any reason.
16. If anyone asks who you are, the standard response will be: "My roommate's girlfriend / boyfriend."
17. Doggie style preferred, just hit it hard and right or get the hell out!
18. Reason for doggie style: the less eye contact the better. I don't want to look at you, just fuck you.
19. We hook up absolutely whenever the mood strikes ME; so don't keep calling.
20. The most important rule - no condoms, no fucking. Carry your ass home.
21. Bring your own drink - I am not your liquor store.
22. No phone use, please; I don't want anyone calling back looking for your ass.
*** EXTRA TIP FOR SUCCESSFUL BOOTY CALLS***
The aforementioned rules may only be altered by the holder of this agreement. If the other party attempts to change or alter any terms of this Agreement, it will automatically become null and void and you will then be removed from the BOOTY CALL LIST and deleted from phone memory and email list BLOCKED from all communications until your silly ass understands the rules.
Participating partners:
Signature 1:________________________
Signature 2:________________________
Date: _____________________________
The Blondes at the university were tired of not fitting in. They were tired of other students assuming they were just stupid bimbos. They wanted somewhere where they felt they belonged.
So they pressured the administration to set up a new Department especially for them. The university agreed, and set up the Blonde Education Department.
The Blondes were ecstatic to have a department of their own where they could gather without being ridiculed. They felt they really belonged now.
They wanted other students to see that they weren't just stupid bimbos -- after all, they now had their own department at the university.
So they now all proudly wear the official sweatshirt of the Blonde Education Department which sports the saying: "I Belong in B.E.D."
One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake.
She turned and looked at him for an explanation.
He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, daddy."
He replied, "How'd you know that sweetheart?"
he girl said, "Because you didn't stick your middle finger out the window and say 'ASSHOLE!' afterwards!"
Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas.Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
YeR FReND, BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care.How 'bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa
**************************************************************************************************************
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
What, like your dad's going to quit banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane, son? Let me get you some nice Lego's instead.
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to kiss my ass? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making Toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap don't work up here. You're getting a sweater again.
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Mark,
Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams, Santa
A very attractive blonde, is walking down the street and stops a man to ask for the time.
The man, looking at his watch, helpfully responds, "Why, certainly! The time is now four o'clock."
The blonde scratches her head and says, "You know, it's really weird. I've been asking people that question all day long, and each time I get a DIFFERENT answer!!!"
A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.
She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat", and she pushes him back onto the seat.
A minute later, the man tries to get up again.
She is insulted again by his gesture, and refuses to let him up. She says: "Sit your ass back down in that chair!"
This goes on a couple more times over the next few minutes.
Finally, the man says, "For crying out lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm half a mile past my stop already."
Two men are drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the 10th floor window."
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The second guy says, "What, are you a nut? There is no way that could happen."
"No, it's true," said the first man, let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the window, and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
He meets the second man, who looks quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but I still don't believe it. That must have been a one time fluke."
"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.
Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the heck," the second guy says, "It works, I'll try it!" He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors... and hits the sidewalk with a huge 'splat.'
Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker, saying: "You know Superman, sometimes you can be a real jerk when you're drunk."
A man walks into a bank one day & tells the teller, "I WANT TO OPEN A FUCKING CHEQUING ACCOUNT."
The teller says, "Sir, you are going to have to watch your language."
Guy says, "I DONT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT MY DAMN LANGUAGE I WANT TO OPEN A FUCKING CHEQUING ACCOUNT."
Teller says, "Sir, if you don't watch your language, I'm going to call my manager."
Guy says, "YOU CAN GET EVERY FUCKING MANAGER YOU GOT IN THIS DAMN PLACE. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. I WANT TO OPEN A FUCKING CHEQUING ACCOUNT."
She goes and gets the manager. Manager says, "Sir, is there a problem?"
Guy says, "YEAH. I JUST WON THIRTY MILLION DOLLARS IN THE LOTTERY AND I WANT TO OPEN A FUCKING CHEQUING ACCOUNT."
Manager says, "IS THIS FUCKING BITCH GIVING YOU PROBLEMS???"
Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughout the nation. Beware of...
THE AL GORE Virus.... (Causes your computer to just keep counting and counting)
THE CLINTON Virus.... (Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)
THE BOB DOLE (aka VIAGRA) virus... (Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)
THE LEWINSKY virus... (Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did)
THE RONALD REAGAN virus.... (Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)
THE MIKE TYSON virus.... (Quits after two bytes)
THE OPRAH WINFREY virus.... (Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 200mb)
THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus... (Deletes all old files)
THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus... (Disks can no longer be inserted)
THE PROZAC virus... (Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care)
THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus... (Only attacks minor files)
THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus... (Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)
THE LORENA BOBBITT virus... (Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)
A man and a woman go to a sexologist for a therapy session. The man says to the doctor, "I want you to observe us while we make love." The sexologist accepts.
After having sex, the doctor charges them $50, and tells them that there is nothing wrong in their relationship.
A week later, the same couple shows up at the sexologist's office, they make love, and the doctor charges them $50 and tells them again that there is still nothing wrong in their relationship.
This continues for another month. The sexologist is baffled why they keep coming back. He finally asks them, "What exactly are you looking for?"
The man replies, "We are actually looking for nothing. There is nothing wrong with our sex life. She's married, so we can't go to her place. I'm also married, so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90 for one night, and the Hilton Hotel charges $110. We do it here for $50, and my insurance reimburses me $43."
When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.
That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but thought, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. Three times in all these years is not that bad". She said, "Bill, I am very disappointed and saddened but temptation does happen, so I forgive you." They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have really bummer day on the day that you died.
The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. So, the next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight; immediately I began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announces, "OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Greetings, friend: before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died,"
The man said, "no problem. But your not going to believe this, I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by my finger tips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me killing me instantly."
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well sir," the Angel announces. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later, President Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head.
Finally he says "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died."
Bill Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked inside a refrigerator....."
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
--45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
--45 mins.
What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
--Sexual Harassment
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
--$3.99 a minute.
How can you tell if your wife is dead?
--The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
How can you tell if your husband is dead?
--The sex is the same, but you get the remote.
What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
--Humpme Dumpme.
What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
--Marriage
How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
--None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
--Through his chest with a sharp knife.
What have men and floor tiles got in common?
--If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
--Because those men already have boyfriends.
What is a man's view of safe sex?
--A padded headboard.
How do men sort their laundry?
--"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
--The dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
--The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What do you call a smart blonde?
--A golden retriever.
Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
--The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen donuts.
Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony?
--The woman who ate the last donut.
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
--A battery has a positive side.
A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest breasts?
--The blonde, because she's 18.
Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
--When you take it off you wonder where the breasts went.
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
--Two mothers-in-law
After a few years of married life, a man finds that he unable to perform sexually. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things, but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him: "This is all in your mind" and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits, the shrink confesses: "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor says: "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says: "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '1, 2, 3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish."
The guy then asks the witch doctor: "What happens when it's over?"
The witch doctor says: "All you or your partner has to say is '1, 2, 3, 4' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year."
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says: "1, 2, 3" and suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says: "Why did you say '1, 2, 3' for?"
One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow, the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Oh crap, you're gonna hate Fridays."
The phone rings at the Royal Canadian Mounted Police headquarters...... "Hello?"
"Hello, is this the RCMP?"
The RCMP officer says, "Yes, how can I help you?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor, Adrian Thibodeau! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir", replies the officer.
The next day, the RCMP agents descend on Thibodeau's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at Thibodeau and leave.
The phone rings at Thibodeau's house. "Hey, Adrian! Did the Mounties come to your house?"
Thibodeau replies, "Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
Thibodeau says, "Yeah, they did!"
"Great. Now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
The CIA had a job opening for an assassin.After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists, two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife. "The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
One day, the Lord decided to make a companion for Adam. He summoned St. Peter and told him of his decision. He told St. Peter that he wanted to make a being who was similar to man, yet was different, and could offer him comfort, companionship and pleasure. The Lord said he would call this being a woman.
So St. Peter went about creating this being which was similar to man yet was different in ways that would be appealing and could provide physical pleasure to man. When St. Peter had finished creating this being who could now be called woman, he summoned The Lord.
"Ah, St. Peter, once again you have done an excellent job," said God.
"Thank You, Great One," replied St. Peter. "I am now ready to provide the brain, nerve endings and senses to the being, this... "woman". I require your assistance on this matter, Lord."
"You shall make her brain, slightly smaller, yet more intuitive, more feeling, more compassionate, and more adaptable than man's," said God.
"The nerve endings," said St. Peter. "How many will I put in her hands?"
"How many did we put in Adam? asked God.
"Two hundred, my Lord," replied St. Peter.
"Then we shall do the same for this woman," said God.
"And how many nerve endings shall we put in her feet?" inquired St. Peter.
"How many did we put in Adam?" asked God.
"Seventy five, my Lord," replied St. Peter.
"Ah yes, these beings are constantly on their feet, so they benefit from having less nerve endings there. Do the same for woman," said God.
"How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals?" inquired St. Peter.
"Four hundred and twenty, my Lord," replied St. Peter.
"Of course, we did want Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn't we? Do the same for woman," said God.
"Yes, my Lord," said St. Peter.
"No, wait," said God. "Screw it, give her ten thousand!!! I want her to scream my name everytime she DOES IT with Adam!!!"
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. That will be our code. I'll take care of the child's expenses."
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Nine months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home, and I will explain it to you". Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."
A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check- out counter where she told the check-out girl, "Nothing but the best for my little kitten."
The girl at the cash register said, 'I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat." The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.
The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies -- one for each day of Christmas.
The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food. Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog. She was then given the dog cookies.
The next day the little old lady brought in a box with a hole in the lid. She asked the the same cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."
The little old lady assured her there was nothing in the box that would bite her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That's disgusting, it smells like crap!"
The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please buy four rolls of your best toilet paper?"
1. Never walk without a document in your hands
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
2. Use computers to look busy
Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss - and you *will* get caught -- your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
3. Messy desk
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
4. Voice Mail
Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.
5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed
According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.
6. Leave the office late
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.
7. Creative Sighing for Effect
Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.
8. Stacking Strategy
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).
9. Build Vocabulary
Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.
10. MOST IMPORTANT:
DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!
Words to live by!
CAUCASIAN / WHITE WOMAN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position.
IRISH WOMAN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
ITALIAN WOMAN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring.
2nd Anniversary: You already have 2 kids together & hate the thought of having sex with her.
3rd Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.
JEWISH WOMAN:
First Date: You get a dynamite blow job.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get blow job again.
CHINESE WOMAN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen.
FRENCH WOMAN:
First date: She brings you to a kinky nightclub and tells you to bring your female friends.
Second date: She suggests a threesome with one of your female friends.
Third date: You realize that she's a lesbian and she only digs chicks.
INDIAN WOMAN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
BLACK WOMAN:
First Date: You get to buy her a cheap dinner.
Second Date: Your get to buy her and her girlfriends a cheap dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant.
ARAB WOMAN:
First Date: You take her out to dinner.
Second Date: You wonder what she looks like without any clothes on.
5th Anniversary: You still haven't seen her naked yet.
LATIN WOMAN
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Riunite have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She is pregnant.
Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx.
A big city New York lawyer went duck hunting up in rural Quebec, Canada. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what the hell he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New York, I've even given advice to the Mayor and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Quebec. We settle small disagreements like this with the "Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old farmer. He agreed to abide by the local Quebec custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face. The lawyer was flat on his belly in severe agony when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old geezer, now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "No thanks, I give up. You can have the duck."
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when all of a sudden a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."
*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
"And, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."
*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Oh, can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.
*** POOF *** There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:
"I bet you're sorry you had me neutered bitch..."
Stepping out of the shower one morning, a beautiful young woman wraps herself in a towel and tells her husband it's his turn to use the shower. Just then, the doorbell rings, so she goes to the door.
It's their neighbor, Bill, whose jaw drops at the sight of the lovely young woman wrapped only in a towel. He pulls out two hundred-dollar bills and says they're hers if she'll drop the towel down to her waist.
"We could really use the $200," she thinks, and drops the towel a few inches. Bill gasps at the sight of her breasts and pulls out two more hundreds and offers them to her, too, if she'll drop the towel altogether.
"Well, I've already compromised myself," she thinks, "so what the heck." She lets the towel fall to the floor, and Bill gets a good look at her naked body. She quickly takes the money. Bill thanks her and leaves with a smile on his face.
She goes back upstairs as her husband is getting out of the shower. "Who was atthe door, honey?" he asks.
When she tells him it was Bill, he asks, "Did he say anything about the $400 he owes me?"
A Mother had 3 virgin daughters and they were all getting married within a short time period.
Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sexlife would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Maxwell House". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Maxwell House jar. It said: "Good until the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long, King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for BA. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
Mom fainted...
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek...."
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus's first step.
So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more.
And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!! "
At this the Texan drawled " Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."
Benign......................... What you be after you be eight.
Artery..........................The study of paintings.
Bacteria.......................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium......................... What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section........A neighborhood in Rome.
CAT Scan.................... Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize.....................Made eye contact with her.
Coma........................... A punctuation mark.
D&C............................. Where Washington is.
Dilate...........................To live long.
Enema......................... Not a friend.
Fester..........................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula..........................A small lie.
Genital.........................Non-Jewish person.
G. I. Series..................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail...................... What you hang your coat on.
Impotent.......................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain................... Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff................A Doctor's cane.
Morbid.......................... A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates........................ Cheaper than day rates.
Node............................ Something ya knew all along.
Outpatient....................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear................... A slur against yer Daddy's honor.
Pelvis........................... Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative..............A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.............Place to do re-upholstery.
Rectum....................... Damn near totaled the pick-up.
Secretion.................... Hiding something.
Seizure........................ Roman emperor.
Tablet...........................A small table.
Terminal Illness..........Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor.......................... More than one.
Urine............................Opposite of "yer out."
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.
'T-Square', the Engineer's cat, pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat: 'Spreadsheet'. The cat went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good. But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat. 'Measure'. The cat got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed again that was pretty good.
The government worker said: 'Coffee Break', do your stuff".
The cat jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, took a crap on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home on sick leave.
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the new CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!
The CEO, walks up the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay. Now GET THE HELL OUT and don't come back you lazy bum!"
Feeling pretty good about his first cleansing of a slacker, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker was doing here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Delivering pizza."
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first time.
Well, the young man is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the young man for about an hour. He tells him everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the young man how many condoms he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack.
The young man insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the young man shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The young man goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. He quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the young man is still deep in prayer, with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the young man.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious."
The young man turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Jake was on his deathbed. His wife Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Susan," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh. Don't talk." He was insistent.
"Susan," he said in his tired voice. "I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Susan. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best friend and your mother."
"I know," she replied.
"You knew about it?" Jake said with his last breath.
She replied, "Yes dear, that's why I poisoned you."
1. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
2. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
3. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper."
4. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
5. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
6. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance."
7. "Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."
8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"
9. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
10."The coffee machine is broken...."
11."Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
12."Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
13."Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
14."Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."
15."Amen."
A man walks in and tells his wife, "Honey, pack your bags, I just won the lottery!!!"
All excited, she says, "That's awesome dear, should I pack for the beach or the mountains?!?"
He says, "I don't care bitch, just get the fuck out!"
Another HOAX going around -- be careful!
WARNING! ANOTHER SCAM!
If a man comes to your front door saying he is conducting a survey and he asks you to show him your boobs . . .
DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS!
This is a scam, and he is only trying to SEE YOUR BOOBS.
I wish I'd heard about this before yesterday. I feel so stupid.
There were 3 young kids who noticed that a fire truck that was passing by with its sirens sounding. On the front seat was a dog. Of course they had their own explanations for this.
"The dog is there to keep the people away from the fire while the firemen put the fire out," said the first little girl.
The next little girl said, "No, the dog is there to give the firemen good luck."
And last but not least the little boy firmly ended the discussion by saying,
"No, no, no!!! You got it all wrong. The dog is needed to find the hydrant!"
Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports. So she decides to try something different, she takes him to a strip club.
The doorman at the club spots them and says, "Hey Roger! How are you tonight?"
His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with."
They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says, "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?"
His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!"
"No, no", says Roger, "I just know her from volleyball."
Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says, "Roger! A table dance as usual?"
His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar.
Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and lets Roger have it with both barrels.
At this, the cabby leans over and says, "Sure looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Roger!"
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pops, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares! Now what excuse do we tell them for Christmas?"
A couple of Texas hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 9-1-1 emergency. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The hunter says, "OK, now what?"
A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes. On the third tee, the husband cautioned, "Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows it'll cost us a fortune to repair."
Of course, she teed off and promptly shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to watch out! Now we'll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost us."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke the window?"
"Uh..., yeah, we're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem", said the genie, "You've got it. I have already put a million dollars in your bank account. It's the least I can do."
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?", the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world", she said.
"Consider it done. The deeds are now in your name," the genie said.
"And now," the couple both asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering all that, I guess I wouldn't mind."
The genie and the woman went upstairs where he ravished her for the rest of the afternoon. Both satisfied each other repeatedly, and afterwards, the genie rolled over and looked at the wife and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35", she responded breathlessly.
He answers, "Holy crap! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
"Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6 I got the there's no Santa speech."
"At 7, I got the there's no Easter Bunny speech."
"When I Was 8, you hit me with the there's no Tooth Fairy' speech."
"If you tell me that grown-ups don't really have sex, I will have nothing left to live for."
A mother and father came in the bedroom to find their 16-year-old daughter smoking a cigarette. "My God! How long have you been smoking???" screams the father.
She replies, "Goddamn, you don't have to yell, I can explain..."
The mother says: "And when did you start swearing?"
"Since I lost my virginity," replies the girl.
"What? You lost your VIRGINITY!!! When the hell did this happen?" shrieks the mother.
"I don't remember," says the girl. "I was completely drunk."
A man encounters one of his old childhood friends at the supermarket.
The man says, "What have you been up to?"
His old friend replies, "I'm a fireman".
The man says, "Wow, what a coincidence, my 15 year-old son wants to be a fireman when he grows up."
"If you want some good advice, you should set-up a sliding pole in your house, which would go from the top floor all the way down to the basement. This way, your son can get lots of practice jumping into the air and catching the pole since this is one of the more challenging aspects of the job", says the old friend.
The man says, "Thanks for the advice, I'll see you around sometime."
The two men meet again 10 years later by coincidence in a park.
His old friend says, "So, has your son become a fireman?"
The man replies back, "No, but my three daughters are strip-club dancers."
If you receive an email entitled "Bad Times," delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetises the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.
It will program your phone to auto dial to call only your mother-in-law's number. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer. (For God's sake, are you listening?!?) It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all the while dating your current boyfriend / girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendez-vous to your Visa card.
It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.
If the "Bad Times" message is opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm, shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks, that will ignite onto the person nearest you.
Send! Send! Send! Send! Send!
In case you are a blonde, this is a just a joke.
A woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive persian rugs. She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug, she accidentally farts very loudly.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now. As she turns back, there, standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today ?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, how much does this rug cost?"
He answers, "Look lady, if you farted just touching it, you're gonna crap in your pants when you hear what the price is!"
An Irishman, a Mexican, and a Redneck were doing construction work on a scaffold on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage. If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and said, "Burritos again??? If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump, too."
The Redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a Bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping, too."
The next day is upon them. The Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch box, sees a burrito and also jumps to his death. The Redneck opens his lunch, sees a bologna sandwich and follows the Irishman and Mexican to his death.
Two days later, at the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I had known how really tired he was tired of eating corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again."
The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas. I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the Redneck's wife, and she said, "Hey, don't look at me... that stupid dumb-ass makes his own lunch."
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