Top 10 Problems With the 1995 Eagles
10. During pass attempts, women in stands fill Randall's mind with thoughts of Whitney Houston
10. Bad luck to have more stitches on face than on ball.
10. The Fridge is faster than Kruk, and hits harder.
10. Stand at GWB toll booth and get high on bus fumes.
10. Can't tell if you're honking at a Korean or an old Jew.
10. Enormous, hairy pig with fan
10. I bet I could kill everyone in this courtroom right now
10. Don't get 20% of our e-mail
10. Repeatedly drop ball on foot until darkness rule can be invoked.
10. Endless stream of dumb jokes about spending the night "sleepless"
10. Can you shut your damn clap trap for like 30 seconds?
10. The first Math 140 exam just let out
10. Too many clouds in the Emerald City for "Mr. Sunshine"
10. Roll down your window and listen for the river
10. Yinka Dare gets 2 points for making a pass
10. After phone sex late one night, the President fell asleep mid-conversation.(63)
10. Paperweight
10. Jets pre-season: Joe Namath vs. the English language
10. Dodo
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Top Ten Reasons Not To Catch a Baseball With Your Face
Top Ten Reasons I'd Rather Watch the Eagles Play a Pre-season Game vs. Tampa Bay Than Watch the Phillies in the World Series
Top 10 Things To Do In Fort Lee in the Springtime
Top 10 Worst Things About a Power Outage in Fort Lee
Top Ten Anagrams for "Information Superhighway"
Top 10 O.J. Simpson Post-verdict Exclamations
Top 10 Employee Complaints at David Sarnoff Research Center
Top Ten Ways To Take Advantage of USGA Rule 20-2A
Top 10 Reasons Not To Have a Baby in Seattle
Top 10 Things Not To Say To Your Cohabitant In the First Week
Top 10 Signs Someone Is About To Open Fire on Penn State's HUB Lawn
Top 10 Reasons Jeff George Turned Down a 30 Million Dollar Contract From the Seahawks
Top 10 Phrases Most Often Found in Christy's Directions
Top 10 Changes the NBA Needs To Make For 1997
Top 10 Lines From the Starr Report
Top 10 Worst Uses For WebTV
Top 10 Worst Things About Sports in New York
Top 10 More Appropriate Bird Names for the Philadelphia Eagles
Top 10 Problems With the 1995 Eagles
9. Constantly harassed by opponents for having player named Booty
8. Thought it was like golf - tried to get lower score
7. Braman insists on using nerf footballs in practice to cut costs
6. May need to revise pre-game chant: "We love you, Buddy. Go Oilers!"
5. Reggie told God to plague Eagle running backs with groin injuries
4. Secret clause in Heath Sherman contract that head coach must have personality
3. 90% of players suffered brain damage from banging head against wall when Sixers drafted Shawn Bradley
2. Players figure if they do bad enough maybe they'll get traded to Miami
1. Opposing coaches finally noticed that Kotite took playbook straight from Super Tecmo
Top Ten Reasons Not To Catch a Baseball With Your Face
(based on a friend at Microsoft actually catching a ball with his face)
9. Swollen lips may inhibit participation in the "beer inning".
8. Quite embarrassing to appear on Rescue 911 and America's Funniest Home Videos at the same time.
7. Your native american nickname will be dumb-ass-who-catch-ball-with-face.
6. People you don't know will run up to you and throw balls at your face trying to recapture the moment.
5. When opposing team takes field, player who forgot glove may ask to borrow your face.
4. Violates company motto: "Microsoft - we don't catch balls with our face".
3. If Dallas Green finds out, you may get signed to play center field for the Mets.
2. Local youth may try to use your face for a backstop.
1. OJ will mistake your face for a bloody glove and kill 2 people with it.
Top Ten Reasons I'd Rather Watch the Eagles Play a Pre-season Game vs. Tampa Bay Than Watch the Phillies in the World Series
9. Last time I checked, I don't remember CANADA winning two consecutive titles in football.
8. Guy wearing Redskins jersey to Vet creates potential for gang war to erupt at any moment.
7. If Mitch Williams was on the Eagles, he would have been shot long before he had a chance to lose us the Super Bowl.
6. Only Phillie injuries are sore throat from whining, sore back from picking up paycheck, and splinters from picket signs.
5. I think I once saw Stan and Merrill beat the crap out of Kalas and Wheels down on Pattison Ave.
4. Randall could hit a curveball in his sleep, I'd like to see Dykstra try to return a punt.
3. Phillie fans toss around beach ball. Eagle fans hurl chunks of ice at opposing offense.
2. Cheerleaders or big sweaty green guy - you make the call.
1. Phillies spit tobacco. Eagles spit teeth.
Top 10 Things To Do In Fort Lee in the Springtime
9. Crash CNBC world headquarters - get Geraldo's autograph
8. Drive down Main St. and do a shot every time you see an Oriental, a Jew, or someone over 100 years old.
7. Stop at Kwasha Lipton's drive thru 401(k) window.
6. See the street used as model for video game Hard Drivin'.
5. Be the first person to sit on Mike's $6,000 couch.
4. Stand in pothole and hold breath as cars pass overhead.
3. Carve initials in one of town's 3 trees.
2. Light at Main and Center offers plenty of time to contemplate meaning of life.
1. Rent the same movie in 6 languages.
Top 10 Worst Things About a Power Outage in Fort Lee
9. Neighbors keep yelling "why don't you turn the power back on, fire boy".
8. Can't see license plate of car that just ran over your family.
7. Utility men from out of town keep saying "what a friggin' dump".
6. Tempers still flare over the great Chinese Food Riots of 1986.
5. Crack dealers take their lucrative bridge business to air conditioned Cliffside Park
4. Confused drivers can't go through red light because signals are out.
3. Emergency Broadcast System replaced in 1993 by fat guy with megaphone.
2. Disturbing ritual whereby Mayor Alter runs down Main St. naked screaming "it's all over, people!".
1. Looters have nothing to steal but my dry cleaning.
Top Ten Anagrams for "Information Superhighway"
(I didn't write this, but I don't know who did)
9. Hey, ignoramus -- win profit? Ha!
8. Oh-oh, wiring snafu: empty air
7. When forming, utopia's hairy
6. A rough whimper of insanity
5. Oh, wormy infuriating phase
4. Inspire humanity, who go far
3. Waiting for any promise, huh?
2. Hi-ho! Yow! I'm surfing Arpanet!
1. New utopia? Horrifying sham
Top 10 O.J. Simpson Post-verdict Exclamations
9. Hmm, maybe Charles Manson was innocent too
8. I wonder if Marcia Clark has any blond sisters who don't scream
7. And who's to say they wouldn't have died that night anyway?
6. Someone take me home so I can beat the crap out of Kato
5. Maybe if I kill enough people I'll get a Super Bowl ring
4. I've got to talk to this F. Lee Bailey guy about clearing some parking tickets
3. Mental note: next time throw out bloody socks at airport
2. How much do you get for those Ginsu infomercials?
1. Hey, maybe I DIDN'T do it?
Top 10 Employee Complaints at David Sarnoff Research Center
(my friend works at this cutting edge tech firm, but keeps complaining that his e-mail server is down)
9. That damn UNIVAC takes up almost the entire cafeteria
8. Commodore 64 sometimes just doesn't seem powerful enough
7. Difficult to remember morse code when sending telegrams to clients
6. When dumbwaiters get stuck we can't send interoffice mail
5. Hard to line up holes with sprockets when feeding the printer
4. Three-toothed dinosaur does not always cooperate when we use it to hole-punch
3. "Scream real loud" is inappropriate substitute for fax machine.
2. Polaroid camera not quite as useful as a photocopier would be
1. Hand gets tired from cranking the telephone
Top Ten Ways To Take Advantage of USGA Rule 20-2A
(Rule 20-2A addresses the scenario in stroke play where a player drops a ball but the ball strikes his foot en route to the ground. According to Rule 20-2A, "the ball must be redropped without penalty. If it hits the player's foot again, it is again redropped without penalty." This amusing rule inspired the following list)
9. Drop ball right next to foot. If resulting lie is bad, claim it grazed the sole and redrop.
8. Repeatedly drop ball on foot until label is no longer discernible. Invoke "unidentifiable ball" rule
7. Drop ball on foot enough times that surrounding area becomes "ground under repair". Redrop in more desirable location no nearer the hole.
6. As dropped ball strikes foot, attempt to quickly raise toe and project ball into opponents eye. If unsuccessful, repeat.
5. Suppose you're 2 down with 2 to play and teeing off on a long par 5 17th hole. Repeatedly drop ball on foot. Due to delay, all other groups must play through. As last group, you will know exactly what you need to do to win and whether to lay up or try to reach in two. (note: repeatedly dropping ball on
foot in tee box is an especially irritating maneuver requiring much chutzpah).
4. Drop ball on foot until it begins to rain. Hard.
3. Any time your opponent complains of hunger, need to use bathroom, or lower back pain you should be thinking "perhaps I should play for that casual water and then repeatedly drop the ball on my foot".
2. Keep saying "oh dear, did that hit my foot again?" until your opponent strikes you with a club, incurring a 2 stroke penalty.
1. Drop ball on foot repeatedly until both of the following occur: (1) opponent stops paying attention, (2) you get an outstanding lie. Claim "hey, it didn't hit my foot that time!"
Top 10 Reasons Not To Have a Baby in Seattle
9. If he ever runs for President, may choose moose as running mate
8. Parents are spending $40+ for the Detlef Schrempf haircut
7. Note for second child: murdering your brother is legal in Seattle
6. (tie) Who can bring a child into such a cruel world, and,
High cost of day care
5. When he takes a nap, 11 people will try to give him CPR
4. Ken Griffey Sr. will humiliate you in all father/son contests
3. First glimpse of sunlight when traveling to east coast may cause permanent blindness
2. Already have enough crybabys with Sonics and Mariners
1. Immunizations given with something called "space needle"
Top 10 Things Not To Say To Your Cohabitant In the First Week
9. Sure, but if you don't fill the gas tank I'll beat you to high heaven.
8. Great. Now I missed Rikki putting that welfare mother in her place.
7. It'll be fun - I'll let you win a point or two.
6. Did the one in the recipe book come out charcoal black?
5. Can you spray a few more chemicals? I'm still able to breathe.
4. Explain to me again what we spent $440 on.
3. Man, your friend is one loud bitch.
2. You just sit your pretty little head over there and think about what kind of curtains we need.
1. No, I didn't see who scored. All I could see was your ass.
Top 10 Signs Someone Is About To Open Fire on Penn State's HUB Lawn
9. Someone asks you for directions to "the bush at the highest point overlooking the HUB lawn"
8. Guy in front of you has a backpack with a scope, and you know he's not in College Republicans
7. You actually saw someone *walk* to campus from Toftrees
6. Chick on the loop has one of those blue Mellon Bank buttons and it says "Omit Pitt and Shoot People on the HUB Lawn"
5. Angry hippie in Bookstore throws ski mask at clerk yelling "No, I want it to say *Kent* State!"
4. You feel a red dot on your forehead, and you're not Hindu
3. The squirrels are wearing flak jackets
2. Ghostly voice from Onionhead sculpture says "oh no, not again"
1. Willard preacher begins speaking in tongues from book of Revelations
Top 10 Reasons Jeff George Turned Down a 30 Million Dollar Contract From the Seahawks
9. Feared drinking too much coffee would make him selfish and edgy
8. Can't live up to the legacy of Dan McGwire
7. Was afraid of getting sacked by a ceiling tile
6. There's no I in Seattle
5. Found out that Seattle doctor Frasier Crane was fictional and
therefore unable to help
4. His head is too big to fit in the Kingdome
3. Seahawks fans offered to pay him $31 million to stay in Atlanta
2. No contractual guarantee that he would be booed by a capacity crowd every week
1. Because of Seattle's heavy rain, no one would notice when he cried
Top 10 Phrases Most Often Found in Christy's Directions
9. The sun should be behind you
8. If you pass the spot where the old church burned down, you went too far
7. Can't get there from here
6. At the farm, turn left
5. Let some air out of your tires before entering tunnel to ensure clearance
4. When you see the pretzel vendor, hang a right
3. If you see the Hardees again, repeat steps 3 through 9
2. At the light, ask the guy next to you if he's going where you are
1. Just drive around until you find it
Top 10 Changes the NBA Needs To Make For 1997
9. Stockton and Malone may not run the pick-and-roll
8. Barkley may not shoot a 3
7. No time outs when falling out of bounds
6. Shaq may not dunk, but gets 3 points from anywhere on the floor
5. Milwaukee gets first pick every year until they make the playoffs
4. Only one player named Davis or Williams per team.
3. If Oakley goes down to the floor, he gets charged with a personal foul
2. Halftime of All Star Game: Jordan and Iverson vs. the New York Liberty
1. Player must go to the playoffs one time before doing a shoe commercial
Top 10 Lines From the Starr Report
9. She told him her name -- she had the impression that he had forgotten it in the six weeks since their furlough encounters because, when passing her in the hallway, he had called her "Kiddo."(191)
8. At one point, the President inserted a cigar into Ms. Lewinsky's @#$%^*, then put the cigar in his mouth and said: "It tastes good."(274)
7. According to Ms. Lewinsky, when the President reached past her at the rope line to shake hands with another guest, she reached out and touched his crotch in a "playful" fashion.(369)
6. Earlier in his marriage, he told her, he had had hundreds of affairs; but since turning 40, he had made a concerted effort to be faithful.(477)
5. The President responded that the harassment allegation was ludicrous, because he would never approach a small-breasted woman like Ms. Willey.(522)
4. "I forgot to tell you: . . . The Gingko Blowjoba or whatever it is called and the Zinc lozenges were from me."(706)
3. Mr. Jordan asked what "phone sex" was. Ms. Lewinsky stated that she may have explained it this way: "He's taking care of business on one end and I'm taking care of business on another."(852)
2. Ms. Lewinsky also enclosed a note with her thoughts on education reform.(620)
1. Mr. Morris believed that Ms. Lewinsky's credibility was in question based on a claim by a USA Today reporter that there was an occasion when the President and Mr. Morris spoke on the telephone while they each were involved in a sexual encounter. The President was reportedly "having sex" with Ms. Lewinsky while Mr. Morris was allegedly involved with a prostitute at the Jefferson Hotel.(1148)
Top 10 Worst Uses For WebTV
9. Pillow
8. Foot Rest
7. Sending e-mail
6. Football
5. Dog toy
4. Wash Cloth
3. Door Stop
2. Frisbee
1. Surfing the Internet
Top 10 Worst Things About Sports in New York
9. Patrick Ewing's fall-away jumper off the front rim
8. Giants offense
7. Putting your faith in Darryl Strawberry
6. Reggie Miller's game winner at the Garden every May
5. Watching a hockey team so bad that Gretzky can lose
4. Top American marathon finisher is 63rd place
3. Clyde Frazier's color commentary
2. Steinbrenner
1. What games do we get this Sunday? Oh yeah, Jets and Giants
Top 10 More Appropriate Bird Names for the Philadelphia Eagles
9. Fowl
8. Kiwi (extinct)
7. Peacock (no ability to draft)
6. Titmouse (I just like saying titmouse)
5. Ostrich (buries head in sand)
4. Raven ("never more" than 3 points in the first half)
3. Penguin (ineffective through the air)
2. The "Pathetic-Losers-Who-Didn't-Draft-Ricky-Williams" Bird
1. Dove (peaceful and harmless)
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