Mathematical Analysis of a Stupid E-mail You've Probably Seen
The e-mail goes like this:
"Work this out as you read. Don't read the end until you've worked it out! First of all, pick the number of days a week that you would like to eat out. Multiply this number by 2. Add 5. Multiply it by 50. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1748. If you haven't, add 1747. Last step: Subtract the four digit year that you were born. You should now have a three digit number: The first digit of this was your original number (i.e. how many times you want to go out each week). The second two digits are your age!!! This is the only year (1998) it will ever work, so spread the fun around while it lasts..."
The first problem I have here, which I'm willing to let slide, is how astounded people are with this simple algebra, which is all that most of these tricks are. Basically, (2x+5) x 50 +1748 -YrOfBirth equals 100x+1998-YOB. So the 100x puts your number in the hundreds place and then the rest is just 1998-YOB which is of course your age.
Now what really gets me is the "SPREAD THE WORD, THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR THIS WILL WORK" garbage. Yeah, it's the only year it will work because you added 1748, poindexter. God forbid you don't forward this trash to one of your friends until January, how about just telling them to add 1749 (or 1748, if they haven't already had their birthday)? Thank the lord, I just saved mankind from losing out on this dumbass puzzle after December 31.
Why I Hate America Online
(I regrettably admit that I had an America Online address for about 6 months in 1997)
- Busy Signals - I was able to successfully access the America Online server about 20% of time. I could almost never get through on a weeknight between 6:00 and 11:00. They kept saying they were adding more lines, but I never saw any improvement in 6 months. And despite these problems they were signing up thousands of people every day. It should be called America On Line
- Quick Cutoff - Then if I walked away from my computer for about 5 minutes, they would log me off to free up one of their precious phone lines. Of course, it would be busy when I called back, so I would simply lose whatever I was working on unless I wanted to leave my computer on until 4AM Sunday morning when I could get through again.
- Solicitations - Like clockwork, every time I did manage to get through the solicitations would begin. "I told you yesterday, I don't want your Compton's Multimedia Encyclopedia for $39.95". If I want to hear a bird chirp, I can go outside. And who the hell is Compton's anyway? And what's this deal with Multimedia Encyclopedias? If I want Multimedia, I can turn on MTV and maybe within 3 or 4 hours they'll show a music video. Give me good old fashioned Encyclopedia Brittanica where they have more than one paragraph on Franklin Roosevelt.
- Commercials - I like the one where they show the black woman and wheelchair-bound hispanic working on adding new phone lines. We're not buying it. At least throw in one 15 year old pimply geek just to give it some credibility.
- "You've Got Mail" - I know I've got mail, I haven't been able to get through to your server for 2 weeks. And they should have a separate voice that says "You've got mail, but it's just a bunch of Get Rich Quick schemes spammed to AOL addresses so don't even bother to check it"
- The Browser - I never realized how many pages weren't working on the crappy AOL browser until I switched to Netscape. (of course, I had some idea when I'd go to a site and it would say "click here if you have the AOL browser" and then the site would come up just all text.)
- Errors - I used to get mysterious errors and get booted out of AOL about once or twice per session. This almost never happens to me anymore.
- The Cancellation Nightmare - Somehow I found the phone number you can call to cancel AOL. What an ordeal this was. First you tell them why you're cancelling. Then they argue with you. Then they offer you a free month if you stay (by the way, if any AOL user out there wants a free month, just call up and tell them you want to cancel). Seriously, if you ever do decide to cancel AOL just tell them the service is great, but you lost your job and you have NO MONEY. This should not be subject to any debate.
- AOL Chat Rooms - You're better off in a chat room on the Internet. Why? Because by default it weeds out the 99% of AOL users who can't figure out how to get on the Internet.
- See "Microsoft, Why I Hate" - Same basic idea as the dark overlords at Microsoft. They took a mediocre product and got a tremendous market share through the careful use of timing and marketing. In fact, AOL and Microsoft have monopolistic (well, the courts are still deciding on this) pacts that bundle AOL in with Windows. More power to them, but it doesn't mean I have to use it.
- Embarrassment - When people see an AOL address, they read it as "I_am_new_to_the_Internet_and_don't_know_much_about_computers"@AOL.com. This is because most of the stupid things you see people doing out there are by AOL people. This is especially noticeable in newsgroups. Also, have you ever seen a decent website at the free homepage domain for AOL users (something like www.aol.com/members/)? There's about a million of them, you'd figure there might be one decent one. But you'd be wrong.
- Your Reasons - Let me know some other reasons why AOL sucks and I'll put them up here.
- We're not alone - Another site committed to exposing AOL for the scamps that they are.
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