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Chances Poor That 2001 Will Be Like 2001
Washington, DC - Experts are predicting that barring some incredible technological advancements in the next three months the year 2001 will not live up to the expectations raised by Stanley Kubrick's classic 1968 film 2001:  A Space Odyssey. (the whole story...)

News In Brief

Area Man Has No Intention Of Calling
Timmons, ON - Contrary to what was stated at the end of their date, area resident Jim Roberts has no intention of ever calling Heather Akey.  "Man, she was super annoying," Mr. Roberts told one of his coworkers.  "And she wasn't nearly as good looking in the daylight as she was at McThirsty's Pub that night."  While speculation abounds as to why Mr. Roberts would tell Ms. Akey he would call when he never, ever planned to it is generally believed that Mr. Roberts was attempting to avoid or at least postpone an unpleasant situation.   "What the hell was I supposed to say, 'Thanks for the sex, I'll see you around'?"  Sources close to Ms. Akey have revealed that she plans on waiting anxiously for his phone call for several days before attempting to contact him and discovering that he gave her a fake phone number.

Placard Wielding Religious Fanatics Not Accomplishing Much
Ottawa, ON - A recent study released by the Theology department at Humber College revealed what many have suspected all along:  placard wielding religious fanatics are not accomplishing much. "It's surprising that more people are not affected in some way by these harbingers of the apocalypse," said head researcher Peter Berrigan.  "I know the ones that have pictures of that alien with 'Is This The Face of God?' underneath creep me out."  While the study found that most citizens are able to ignore these fanatics in much the same way they do the homeless or cries for help from a stranger, those fanatics who chose to use loudspeaking equipment or scream at passersby were more likely to accomplish something than those who merely shuffled about holding "The End Is Near" signs.

Man Can't Find Beach Volleyball Anywhere
Sydney, NS - Mark Zwicker hurled his television remote control across the room in frustration yesterday after wasting three hours looking for coverage of women's Olympic beach volleyball.  "Sweet Jesus, how much judo can one person watch?" he lamented.  Mr. Zwicker got hooked on women's beach volleyball during the 1999 Pan Am games in Winnipeg and planned on spending a good portion of the weekend watching the sport.  "The CBC seems to be hellbent on fucking me over on this one," said Mr. Zwicker.  "When they finally got around to showing beach volleyball it was men's.  It just isn't the same."  Mr. Zwicker also checked out NBC's Olympic coverage but found it consisted mostly of swimming.  "Those women have bigger shoulders than I do," complained Mr. Zwicker.  "Who wants to see that?"

Too Much Fucking Swearing In The Sopranos, Asserts Man
Plaster Rock, NB - Darcy McGilveny, a local millwright, asserted over the dinner table last night that his kids could not watch that fucking degenerate show The Sopranos anymore.  "You kids don't need to see that kind of garbage.  It's glorifies violence and sex.  And the fucking language!  It blows my mind!"  Mr. McGilveny went on to recount that just last night one of the characters actually used "cunt" and "motherfucker" in the same sentence.  "What's happened to society, where we allow this kind of Guido mobster propaganda on prime time television?"

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