Horoscopes

Astrologer's Note: While I would like to claim that this month's horoscopes are derived from the hard science of astrology, they are actually ripped off from a series of fake motivational posters. Hey, this is the first time they haven't all been original. Give me a goddamn break.

Aries: (March 21--April 19)
Famous Aries: Fuzzy
This is the first day of the rest of your life. Too bad the rest of your life is going to suck.

Taurus: (April 20--May 20)
Famous Tauruses: Ben
Agony: Not all pain is gain.

Gemini: (May 21--June 21)
Famous Geminis: Jenn, Rik, Lyne, Kevin, Wendy
Futility: You'll always miss 100% of the shots you don't take, and statistically speaking 99% of the shots you do.

Cancer: (June 22--July 22)
Famous Cancers: Steve, Lung
Pessimism: Every dark cloud has a silver lining, but lightning kills hundreds each year who are trying to find it.

Leo: (July 23--August 22)
Mediocrity: It takes a lot less time and most people won't notice the difference until it's too late.

Virgo: (Aug. 23--Sept. 22)
Failure: When your best just isn't good enough

Libra: (Sept. 23--Oct. 23)
Famous Libras: Peter B.
Ineptitude: If you can't learn to do something well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24--Nov. 21)
Famous Scorpios: Jon
Defeat: For every winner there are dozens of losers. Odds are you're one of them.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22--Dec. 21)
Famous Sagittarians: Ron, Darrell
Mistakes: It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22--Jan. 19)
Apathy: If we don't take care of the customer, maybe they'll stop bugging us.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20--Feb. 18)
Famous Aquarii: Amanda
Losing: If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.

Pisces: (Feb. 19--March 20)
Famous Pisces: Jen
Procrastination: Hard work often pays off in time, but laziness always pays off right now.

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