Peterborough, ON (1999) The editor of the wildy underrated periodical The Upper Canada Chronicle was hauled into court this week on charges of "negligent use of hype" and "raising expectations to unreasonable heights." The charges stem from a series of photographs of the Earth from space and the text "12.17.99" which the editor sent in mass mailings over the internet on a weekly basis.
"At first I just ignored it," said Peter B., one of the unfortunate recipients, "but after the second and third email arrived, it started really nagging at me. I couldn't sleep at all the last couple of days! I was a wreck! My live-in-girlfriend left me! All I could think of was what was going to happen on the 17th!"
While the UCC editor admits his hype building worked quite well, he claims that he had no idea he actually had to deliver something fantastic on the date in question. "Hey, what am I, a lawyer?" he asked sarcastically.
Turns out the hype was just about a new issue of the UCC with a modified look and some Millennial themes. "What a fucking rip-off," said another reader. "And the issue isn't even that good." Officials are calling this the most blatant case of over-hyping since the release of Godzilla but will be soon eclipsed by the arrival of the millennium.
News in Brief Retrospective
Economy Booming, Witch Burnings on the Increase
Salem, MA (1697) The population of Salem has just reached the 300 mark, and trade with the Indians has brought a newfound prosperity to the area. "For a while there, we were worried we were all going to starve to death!" said town mayor Seamus MacTeel. Mr. MacTeel feels that now that the focus has shifted off basic survival, local residents have more time to devote to the important task of rooting out and burning witches. "The incidents of witchery have been on the rise lately: Still births, bad weather, water turning to blood, that sort of thing." Witch burnings are projected to increase by 35% over the next quarter, which is seen by MacTeel as a positive sign. "Killing all these women, it's just a matter of time before the evil stops."
Crazed Scientist Insists Earth is Not the Center of the Universe
Rome (1580) Galileo Galilei, an area man known for his flights of fancy, has announced that he believes the Earth is not the center of the universe, and in fact circles the sun which is but one of billions of other similar "suns". The Vatican stated that this announcement borders on heresy as it implies that we are not favoured in God's eyes. "This Galileo punk is stirring up controversy with his 'science'", said Vatican spokersperson Vito Dinorelli. "When you believe in God, there is no need for science. We are confident that after we break his legs and put him on the rack for a while - in God's mercy - he'll agree with us."
Trench Warfare Not As Much Fun as Originally Hoped, Poll Shows
Somewhere on the front lines (1918) A new poll released today shows that the Allied fighting men do not feel that trench warfare is as much fun as they'd originally hoped. "There's much more screaming and dying than I thought there would be," said one private. "I guess I wasn't really expecting that." Other respondents commented that they "wanted their mothers", and that "the gangrene was getting pretty bad." The poll asked respondents to rate their experiences on a scale ranging from "Smashing Good Fun" to "Bloody hell, Praying For Death Daily". 90% rated the experience just below "Being Castrated with a Wooden Spoon" and slightly above "Eating One's Own Intestines".
The Onion
Microsoft
Unveils New Keyboard for 2000
