Most retrospectives on the past millennium focus on events that actually occured and people that actually existed.  But what about all the things that never happened?  Let’s see if you can pick out the real events from the made up ones.

1000 AD Scientists suspect that the sun was particularly bright for a period of time that is called the  Medieval Optimum with global temperatures about 1 to 2 degrees higher than today.

1000 AD Large portions of the island fauna of Madagascar, that once included a lemur the size of bear and the ostrich-like Elephant Bird, was eliminated by the Malagash people of Madagascar.

1000 AD  Batman and King Tut battle the Mongol hordes to a stand-still in a high-rise near Newark.

1033 An enormous pilgrimage to Jerusalem marked the 1000th anniversary of the crucifixion of Jesus Christ.

1051  Chuck Johnson creates the first “chicks on cars” calendar.

1095 Pope Urban II called for a Christian army to defeat the Turks and recapture the Holy Sepulchre from the Muslims. The first Crusade sparked a renewal of trade between Europe and Asia.

1096  Flying squirrels fill the sky near Brussels for nearly 10 months, devouring everything in their path and fueling mass suicides with their incessant chattering.

1103, Nov. 11 Darth Vader and Xena seize Windsor Castle using only a heavy iron pot filled with spicy spaghetti sauce.

1100-1200 The Norse visited Ellesmere Island in the Canadian Arctic as early as the 12th century and traded with the Thule, evidenced by chain mail. boat rivets, knife blades, and other artifacts turned up near Bache Peninsula.

1153 A chicken restaurant, the world's oldest existing eatery, opened in Kai-Feng,

1221 Emperor Frederick II issued a law that declared that violence could be committed against jesters without punishment.

1376 Jul 22, The rats were piped out of Hamlin.

1388  Aug 23,  The world’s first motion picture “There’s Something About The Visigoths” opens to mixed reviews.

1492  Christopher Columbus discovers America.

1499   Richard Simmons is burned at the stake by Ghandi, Tina Turner and an ensign from Star Trek.

1534 May 10, Jacques Cartier reached Newfoundland. He noted the presence of the Micmac Indians who fished in the summer around the Magdalen Islands north of Nova Scotia.

1564 Apr 23, William Shakespeare is born.  He adds 1,700 new words to the English language.

1577  Santa Claus signs a treaty with Elizabeth I ending the annual carpet bombing of London on December 25th.

1685 In Canada there was a shortage of currency and playing cards were assigned monetary values for use as money.

1686 Apr 28, The first volume of Isaac Newton's "Principia Mathamatic" ("Mathematical Principles of Natural Philosophy") was published in Latin.

1710  Oct 11,  The first raccoon/dog hybrid is born, ends up killing itself 3 days later while trying to chase itself away from the garbage.

1730s The Hudson Bay Company built a stone fortress on the western shore of the Hudson Bay in Canada for the Chipewyan fur trade.

1775 Apr 19, Alerted by Paul Revere the American Revolutionary War began at Lexington Common with the Battle of Lexington-Concord

1783  Colonel Sanders accidentally discovers the polio vaccine while working on his chicken batter recipe.
 
1800  Apr 15, James Ross discovered the North Magnetic pole.

1814  Aug 24, 5,000 British troops under the command of General Robert Ross marched into Washington, D.C., after defeating an American force at Bladensburg, Maryland. It was in retaliation for the American burning of the parliament building in York (Toronto), the capital of Upper Canada. Meeting no resistance from the disorganized American forces, the British burned the White House, the Capitol and almost every public building in the city before a downpour extinguished the fires. President James Madison and his wife fled from the advancing enemy.

1856  Nov 26,  The world's first fully functioning robot is built by the Zulus.  It destroys several surrounding villages with its death ray before finally being destroyed between Katherine Zeta-Jones' thighs.

1867  Mar 29, The British Parliament passed the North America Act, or the Canadian Constitution, to create the Dominion of Canada.

1914  Jul 23, Austria and Hungary issued an ultimatum to Serbia after the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand; the dispute led to World War I.

1920  Henry Ford unveils the wildly unpopular Itch Mobile,  made completely out of pink fiberglass insulation.

1929  The Great Depression begins.

1939  Hitler invades Poland, France pre-emptively surrenders.

1941  April 2,  In the midst of war-torn Europe, a kitten is born.

1943  Hundreds of thousands of disgruntled emperor penguins invade South America at it's southern tip.  They all pass out from heat exhaustion before they reach Chile, creating the famed "Penguin Graveyard".

1944 June 6, D-Day

1950  The Birth of Television -  The first violent act is committed.

1954  Hannibal Lecter teams up with Mother Teresa to end suffering in Calcutta.

1963  The world is brought to the brink of nuclear war during the Bay of Pigs invasion.

1969  Half a million hippies gather near Woodstock, NY for a massive rock concert.

1969, 9 months later,  Hundreds of thousands of children are born, most of them named "Sunshine" or "Moon Unit".

1972  The first disco induced coronary is reported.

1973  Captain Jean Luc Picard comes back in time from the 24th century and hangs out with Andy Warhol at Club 54.  He catches a bad case of herpes, which he cures on returning to his own time.

1975  Gary Coleman stops growing.

1977 Star Wars is released in theatres to critical and audience acclaim.

1979  The Soviet Union invades Afghanistan.

1980  Ronald Reagan becomes President of the United States.

1982  Bessy-Lou Sweeney, a housewife in rural Kentucky, briefly holds the world record for "Breaking the Fewest Stereotypes" when she manages to scream at her husband, speak completely in double-negatives, hold a howling child on her hip, give birth to another, and sweep her dirt floor all at the same time.

1986  Black Monday -  The stock market crashes, many stock brokers commit suicide.

1987  God retires to a cabin in the Everglades, takes up 'gator poaching.

1988  Drugs win war on drugs!

1989  They have the internet on computers now.

1990  The last remaining "Punky Brewster" fan finally gives up on his dream of a reunion special.

1991  Grunge is kicked into high gear by the mega-hit "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana.

1992  100% of families now deemed "disfunctional".  Therapists the world over rejoice.

1994  The World Wide Web begins with three scientific and 4,321,322 pornographic sites.

1995  Three teens wacked out on acid finally answer the question: "If a tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound?"

1996  There are now more humans on earth than sheep.

1997  Millenniall hysteria starts to build, the first survivalist fort is built in northern Michigan.

1998  In anticipation of world-wide power outages, gas generator sales shoot through the roof.

1999  The world braces itself for the big 2K, some with anticipation, some with fear.  What will the new millennium bring?  Will we have flying cars and transporters?  Will we all be blown off the face of the earth by some madman with a handful of nuclear weapons?  Will we go out and colonize space?  Did O.J. really do it?  The tension builds until midnight, December 31, 1999, and then....

2000  Some techno weenie tells everyone right at the stroke of midnight that the REAL millennium isn't until December 31, 2000, sparking riots and looting that last well into the night.  Happy New Year!