Ron's
Super Wonderful Psychic Predictions for 2000!Ron's
Super Wonderful Psychic Predictions for 2000!As a special thank you for being such wonderful
people I thought I'd use my incredible psychic abilities to give you all
a personalized reading of what the coming year holds in store. Only
those of you who are on my mailing list are included, so don't get all
offended if you aren't here.
Darrell:
You are going to finally overcome that fungus that's been growing all over
you. You're going to start calling your friends "Skippy", as in "How's
it goin', Skippy?" and "You're the man, Skippy!" Wendy is going
to start pressuring you to tie the knot, and you're going to give in.
This year you're going to realize that you've spent five years of your
life wandering around in the woods for no good reason.
Fuzzy:
The Guinness Book of World Records is going to award you the "Longest
Time To Get a Business Degree" record, which you'll pitch into the garbage.
Someone's going to take nude pictures of you and post them on the internet,
but you won't mind. There's a good chance you'll die this year while
experimenting with a chain saw and autoerotic asphyxiation.
Tracy:
After working 36 hours straight you're going to mistake a live person for
a cadaver and start practicing your appendectomy skills on him. After
the criminal proceedings you'll be sued for intentional infliction of emotional
distress. On the up side, you're going to win a free 600 ml bottle
of the Coca-Cola product of your choice! And a duffel bag.
Jon:
While sleeping peacefully in mid June you're going to be abducted by aliens
who will force you to play Monopoly, Sorry!, and other board games while
poking you with sharp sticks. Just ignore them, they're just looking
for attention. Also, you're going to have erotic dreams about Oprah
Winfrey that will leave you feeling puzzled and afraid.
Ben:
You're going to meet the woman of your dreams, and then meet her beautiful
wife. Isn't it ironic? Don't you think? You'll develop
a deep hatred of koalas and resolve to go to Australia to wipe the little
buggers off the face of the earth. And your stock is going to go
up.
Lyne:
In February you're going to snap while at work and start screaming "Just
talk right, you little bastards!" at all the kids. Moncton is
going to name you "Woman of the Year" and you'll get your own call in speech
therapy radio show, which unfortunately won't work out.
Deon:
You're going to become the regional manager of Radio Shack and start skimming
off the profits. After a long night of drinking you're going to wind
up in jail with a huge man who wants you to live up to your nickname.
You will become enthralled with those 3D pictures and go completely cross-eyed.
The cologne you get for Christmas is going to attract pigeons and large
aquatic mammals.
Jen:
Your boss will be involved in absolutely no scandals this year. While
attending a free outdoor concert you will begin to truly appreciate hard-core
gangsta rap. You're going to toy with the idea of going back to school
to take a sanitary landfill design course. Don't do it!
Keith:
You're going to start a Holy War with The Home Depot because you
feel they have too many handicapped parking spots. Your heavy drug
use is going to start affecting your ability to concentrate. You're
going to discover a new skin care product that will make your skin glow
beautifully.
Rik:
You're going to lose one of your pinky fingers in a horrible lobster accident
at work. You're going to be recruited by a modeling agency that will
produce a calendar of you doing household chores. It will sell briskly.
Your TV reception is going to get pretty bad and you'll have to get a new
antenna. You'll realize that due to some clerical error you're actually
married to ME.
Shannon:
While experimenting with mind-altering chemicals you're going to become
convinced you are the Son of God. You're actually going to turn water
into wine but it's going to take a couple of months and a kit from the
Brew-it-Yourself store. You're going to meet a wonderful guy but
it will turn out he's just after you for your mind. You will finish
unraveling the human genetic code.
Shane:
Before you're even finished articling you're going to be retained by the
Mafia. You're going to audition for the part of Conan the Barbarian
in a made-for-tv movie but you're not going to get it. You're going
to spend so much time blanketed in the Saint John fog that your eyes are
going to retreat completely inside your head and your sense of hearing
will become incredibly acute. You will be named the cartwheel champion
of New Brunswick.
Gungadin:
I don't even know who the hell you are, but chances are you're not going
to be up to any good this year. The ladies will continue calling
you "Hey you in the bushes!" Due to financial difficulties you will
eat cat food all year long. After a while your ears will perk up
whenever you hear a can opener. You'll find a coelacanth living in
the guest bedroom.
Peter
B.: A grizzled prospector is going to take some shots at you
while you're surveying his land for a new highway. You're going to
learn the ancient art of tai chi. You are going to win the consolation
prize in the big chili cook-off. A swarm of locusts is going to try
and sell you used copies of "The Watchtower."
Ian:
You're going to be the victim of a practical joke involving a vat of molasses
and a collapsing building. While working for McCain's you're going
to have an almost lethal french-fry overdose. You're going to begin
work on your first book, "That Denise Richards Is Sure Hot, Too Damn Bad
She Can't Act."
Jenn:
Married life is going to agree with you and you're going to find yourself
three other men and move to Utah. A busker is going to try and sell
you a fiddle. Don't buy it! It's busted! You will wonder
whether capitalism is really the way to go.
Peter
S.: The laws of physics will stop applying to you and you
will find yourself floating around aimlessly. Your collection of
velvet Elvis paintings will be stolen and your insurance won't fully compensate
you. A catalogue of women's lingerie will be sent to you by accident.
Concerned about the environment, you will start selling sugar packets as
"gasoline additives."
Steve:
You will spend so much time around technology this year that you will very
gradually become a cyborg. You will astound your friends and family
with your laser pointer eyes, blender hands and 300 watt Dolby Surround
voice. Your favorite word is going to be "spiffy". Road rage
will strike when you least expect it and you'll run over someone's cat.
