These are the Jokes, Folks VIII. (Jokes for the Folks Back Home)

��

I've collected every single joke I have heard since I came to Israel. Some are really bad. Some are pretty offensive. I've neglected to put the overtly anti-black, anti-homosexual, or anti-Arab jokes. You should still get at least mildly offended. Of course, a few are sex jokes. Most are really bad. And, I've neglected writing in the accents. I'll leave them up to your imagination. Anyway, here goes...

A ventriloquist is performing in Jacksonville, and is making some jokes about how much of a hick town it really is, and the stupid hicks that live there. Finally, sick of it all, one of the members of the audience started heckling, telling him that he was out of his mind, didn't know what he was talking about, etc. The comedian stopped his act, looked at the man, and realized it would probably be best just to apologize, so he does.

"''Sok, Mister, I'm not angry at you, but that guy on your leg is seriously pissing me off."
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

A typical Southern hunter's in the forest, set for hunting season and is looking about, when he sees a beautiful naked woman lying seductively against a tree. Unbelieving of his luck,he asks her if she's game. Coyly, she nods her head yes, so he shoots her.
��
Redneck Road Etiquette -

Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

- Redneck Personal Hygiene -

Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours.

Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.

Commercial break:

OK, we now return...
- Redneck Dining Out -
Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.

- Redneck Entertaining in Your Home -
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are.

- Redneck Dating (Outside the Family) -
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

Redneck Theater Etiquette -
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

- Redneck Wedding Etiquette -
Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Its is NOT okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding..
A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent.
For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

- Redneck Etiquette for All Occasions -
Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.
Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
FFFFFFFFFFFFF
The Redneck's Guide to Computer Lingo

Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.
Log Off: Don't add wood.
Monitor: Keep an eye on the wood stove.
Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.
Mega Hertz: When yer not careful downloadin' (watch th' toes!)
Floppy Disk: Whatcha get from pilin' too much firewood.
RAM: The hydraulic thingy that makes the woodsplitter work.
Hard Drive: Gettin' home in mud season.
Prompt: What you wish the mail was in mud season.
Windows: What to shut when it's 30 below.
Screen: What you need for black fly season.
Byte: What black flies do.
Chip: Whatcha get when you chop wood.
Micro Chip: What's left when you've picked up the chips.
Infrared: Where the left-over's go when Fred's around.
Modem: What you did to the hay fields.
Dot Matrix: John Matrix's wife.
Printer: Someone who can't write in cursive.
Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy
Keyboard: Where you hang your keys.
Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils.
486: One of them fancy imported cars.
Mouse: What eats the horses' grain in the barn.
Main Frame: The part of the barn that holds the roof up.
Port: Fancy wine.
Enter: C'mon in!
Digital: Like those numbers that flip on your alarm clock.
Laser: Someone less ambitious than you.

��

Get me outa here!!!

Wanna read the last set of jokes?
Wanna read the last one?

Wanna read the next one?
Wanna read the next set of jokes?

Take me back to the list

Michael Kadish

"The next time I send a damn fool for something, I go myself." - Michael Curtiz
Hosted by www.Geocities.ws