These are the Jokes, Folks VII.
(Racist Jokes)



Warning--These jokes are offensive.

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I've collected every single joke I have heard since I came to Israel. Some are really bad. Some are pretty offensive. I've neglected to put the overtly anti-black, anti-homosexual, or anti-Arab jokes. You should still get at least mildly offended. Of course, a few are sex jokes. Most are really bad. And, I've neglected writing in the accents. I'll leave them up to your imagination. Anyway, here goes...


An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are doing construction work on a skyscraper, when they break for lunch. "Oh, God!," screamed the Englishman, "I can't believe I got cucumber sandwiches again. If my wife gives me these again, I'm jumping off this building."

"Oh, God!," screamed the Scot, "I can't believe I got haggis again. If my wife gives me this again, I'm jumping off this building."

"Oh, God!," screamed the Irishman, "I can't believe I got guinea sandwiches again. If my wife gives these again, I'm jumping off this building."

So, the next day they have lunch break again. "Cucumber sandwiches!" screamed the Englishman, and jumped to his death.

"Haggis!" screamed the Scot, and jumped to his death.

"Guinea sandwiches!" screamed the Irishman, and jumped to his death. So, that day, the other workers went and told the wives.

"Oh, if only he told me he didn't want cucumber sandwiches!" cried the Englishman's wife."

"Oh, if only he had told me he didn't want haggis!"

"Oh if only the bastard didn't make his own meals!"

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What do you call a blonde grabbing at air?
Collecting her thoughts
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How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?
Very satisfying.
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Did you hear about the blonde at the hotel pool?
She was barred from the area after the lifeguard saw her go down for the third time.
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What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?
At least we know how many guys went down on the Titanic.
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How do you confuse a prick?
42
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 Commercial break:

OK, we now return...

(3.5 Shekels ~ 1 Dollar)

An American tourist is in Israel, bumps in to a Russian woman in Israel. He knew of the stereotype of Russian woman in Israel, so he called her over to a corner, and asked her how much for her to take off her shirt.

"one hundred shekels." So, he pays.

"How much to remove your skirt?"

"Two hundred shekel." He pays.

"How much to take off your bra?"

"250."

"Your panties?"

"300" He pays.

"Now, how much would it cost for you to have sex?"

"Standard price, half a shekel."

_________

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says after consulting the Bible," My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: "What does a priest know of sex?" He goes to minister ... a married man, experienced..for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply..Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge ... a rabbi.

The rabbi ponders the question and states," My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies," Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!"

The Rabbi softly speaks," If sex were work ... my wife would have the maid do it."

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Between moments of dispensing wisdom, it seems that historical religious leaders had also learned software programming. One day, a great contest was held to test their skills. After days and days of fierce competition, only two leaders remained for the last day's event: Jesus and Mohammed. The judge described the software application required for the final test, and gave the signal to start writing code. The two contestants feverishly typed away on their keyboards.

Routines, classes, applets and applications flew by on their screens at incredible speeds. Windows, dialogs, and other intricate graphics began forming on their monitors. The clock showed that the contest would soon be finished. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning flashed and the power went out. After a moment it came back on--just in time for the clock to announce that the last competition was over.

The judge asked the two contestants to reveal their finished software. Mohammed angrily said that he'd lost it all in the power outage. The judge turned to the other competitor. Jesus smiled, clicked a mouse and a dazzling application appeared on his screen. After just a few moments, the judge was clearly impressed and declared Jesus the victor.

When asked why the decision was made, the judge pointed out the unique characteristic that set the winner apart from all the other leaders:

Jesus Saves!

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Michael Kadish

I'm learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
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