These are the Jokes, Folks IX (Sexual Jokes)
I've collected every single joke I have heard since I came to Israel. Some are really bad. Some are pretty offensive. I've neglected to put the overtly anti-black, anti-homosexual, or anti-Arab jokes. You should still get at least mildly offended. Of course, a few are sex jokes. Most are really bad. And, I've neglected writing in the accents. I'll leave them up to your imagination. Anyway, here goes...
Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles?
He was half nuts!!!
They both squirm when you eat them.
Dinner for four.
What's worse than lobsters on your piano?
Crabs on your organ.
A cowboy stops off in a small town, and goes into a bar to get a drink. He goes to the bartender, and asks, "Where can I find some girls to take the taste of this drink out of my mouth?"
"Sorry," says the bartender, "ain't no girls around here for one hundred miles. But there's a barn out back, go pick out an animal, and take it back up to your room with you." Disgusted at the thought of sleeping with an animal of a different species, he pays, and leaves the bar in a huff.
That night however, he couldn't quench his loneliness, so he went out to the barn, and found a cute little piglet. He cleaned her up, gave her a bath, tied a little bow in its hair, and walked back into the bar, feeling that he needed quite a few more drinks before he'd actually do this.
He takes the pig into the bar, and suddenly, everybody stops and stares at him.
"What? All of you have livestock too? What are you all staring at?"
"Well we sure wouldn't do it with the Sheriff's girl!!!"
Commercial break:
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A young woman, soon to be married is crying to her doctor. "Doctor, you've got to help me, my fianc� and I are getting married soon, and he thinks I'm a virgin, but I really lost my virginity years ago. Is there any surgery you could perform that would make it like..."
"No," said the doctor quickly.
"There's nothing you can do?" So the doctor gave her a suggestion to bring a rubber band, and then snap it, and it would sound like the hymen breaking.
So, there honeymoon comes, and they start there post marital sex. When she deemed it right, she snapped the rubber band. "What was that?" he asks.
"Oooh, that must have been my virginity snapping."
"Well, it just snapped around my balls, could you please take it off?
The pilot of a jet was finishing his message to the passengers, "So, we should be taking off in a few minutes. Please sit back, and enjoy the flight." He relaxed a bit, and started talking to the co-pilot, but inadvertently forgot to turn off the speakers. "I think I'm gonna have that sandwich, and after that, go back and fuck that blonde stewardess."
The stewardess, quickly runs up to the front of the plane to end this more-than-minor snafu, when one of the elderly female passengers stopped her.
"You don't have to run, he said he was going to eat the sandwich first.
The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.
The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.
The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.
The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.
The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note:
DEAR FRIENDS,
WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED. THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT I SWEAR BY GOD ALMIGHTY, I'M GOING TO KILL WHOEVER PUT NOVACAINE IN THE K-Y JELLY!"
A woman had been set up on a date with a famous basketball player, and the date was going exceptionally well. He was taking off his shirt, and she saw a tattoo that said REEBOK on his forearm.
"Why do you have that tattoo?"
"Oh, well, when I make a layup, my arm flexes, the camera focuses on the tattoo, and Reebok pays me $5000 each time."
"Wow." They get back to what they were doing. He takes off his pants. Midway up his thigh is a large NIKE. "Why does it say 'NIKE' on your leg?"
"What? Oh, when I go for a dunk, my pants ride up a bit, the camera focuses on the tattoo, and Nike gives me seventy five hundred dollars."
"Wow..." So, they are getting off very well in the date, and he takes off his boxers. Yet another tattoo. Across his penis, written down, in large block letters was "AIDS." "Oh, my God. I don't believe it. I am not going to have sex with somebody who has AIDS!"
"Relax, relax, if you wait a little while, it'll say 'Adidas.'"
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Michael Kadish
