These are the Jokes Folks 1,056,545.
(Tame/Clean Jokes)
(Tame/Clean Jokes)
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap.
The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, 'Is this guy blind, or what?'
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.
"I didn't even touch you," grouses the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true....but you have all the equipment..."
A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a beautiful young woman in a tight-fitting bikini strolled passed.
The woman looked at the doctor, smiled, and said in a sexy voice: "Hi there handsome, how yer doing?" before wiggling her backside and walking off.
"Who was that?" demanded the doctor's wife. "Oh, just a woman I met professionally," replied the doctor.
"Oh, yeah!" snarled his wife, "In whose. profession? yours or hers"!
A young woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder charge. When her name was called out in the court foyer, she brushed her hair, checked her make-up, took a deep breath, and walked into the court and took to the witness stand. The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded. "Not guilty," the woman answered emphatically.
The prosecution council then approached the woman and said: "Is it true that on the 11th of December, last year, you committed an act of gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf - who was waving a union jack - on the roof of a car, whilst travelling at over 100mph through the center of London, in a blizzard?"
The woman composed herself, looked straight at the prosecution council and calmly said: "What was the date again?"!
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.
"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband."
Commercial break:
The bartender asks him "What'll you have?". The guy answers, "A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this".
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration". The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again".
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!".
The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life", to which the bartender replies "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To which the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch."
Son: "Dad, did you go to Church when you were a little boy ?"
Dad: "Yes son, every single Sunday."
Son: "Thought so. Bet it won't do me any good either."
Help wanted: telepathy. You know where to apply.
The last fight was his fault. She asked, "What's on the TV?"
He said, "Dust!"
A day without sunshine is like, night.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead."
Commercial break:
A professional treasure hunter was diving for pirate treasure in an ocean cove. He searched for hours with no luck. Finally he headed for the shore.
When he was about knee deep in the water he tripped over an old strong box. He hauled it out and opened it... t was full of gold coins!
The Moral of the Story: Booty is Only Shin Deep.
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the boys said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "'Cause yer feet ain't empty."
My neighborhood was so tough that the school newspaper had an obituary column.
Two senior couples are walking along, wives in front, husbands in back. Herb says to Sam, "Gee, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Good prices too."
Sam says, "Well, we like to eat out too. What was the name of the restaurant?"
Herb says, "You'll going to have to help me out here a little. What's the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, grows on a thorny bush?"
Sam says, "How about rose?"
"Yes, yes, that's it!" cries Herb, then calls ahead to his wife. "Rose. Hey, Rose. What was the name of the restaurant we ate at last night?"
Most people hate to parallel park. The other day, I saw this woman trying to get out of a tight parking space. She'd bump the car in front, then back-up and strike the car behind her. This went on about 2-3 minutes. I walked over to see if I could somehow help. My offer was declined though. She said, "Why have bumpers if you're not going to use them once in a while ?"
I understand old Stan Kegel once filled his birdbath with several pitchers of margaritas. It was enuff tequila mockingbird.
Some bars have the strangest rules when ya think about it. I mean, why do I have to wear a shirt and tie to go in a bar to see a topless dancer.
Personally, I only drink to enjoy. We were at a friend's house and he began serving drinks. He asked what I wanted, and I told him it didn't matter as long as it was tall and cool and full of Canadian whiskey. He sent over his wife.
I read an article by an evangelist on how alcohol is so addictive to some people that they'll actually spend their last pennies just to buy a drink. And that this country is full of alcoholics and their numbers are increasing almost daily. That article totally changed the way I think about drinking. Now, I'm considering buying a bar.
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Michael Kadish
