These are the Jokes Folks 1,056,546.
(Tame/Clean Jokes)

A single Mom was asked by a friend what her son was taking in college. With a sigh she replied, "Everything I have."

Emerging from the chiropractor's treatment room, a young man said aloud in the crowded waiting room, "I feel like a new man!"

"I do, too," a middle-aged woman responded, "but I'll probably go home with the same old one."

Did you hear about the new magazine for married men published by Playboy? It has the same pictures month after month after month after month.

Why do many women want a church wedding?
As they enter the church they see and think "AISLE,ALTER,HYMN"

When Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb, he had trouble selling it. People just didn't trust this "new" way of making light. In order to promote his idea he decided to go around the country installing lights in different towns in order to drum up publicity.

While in Oklahoma, Edison stopped by an Indian reservation and offered to put lights in any building they wanted. After much thought the Indian chief decided that he wanted lights in his outhouse, so he could see what he was doing at night. This made him the first man to wire a head for a reservation!

A Indian goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. YOU'RE TWO TENTS."

A number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Katims. At this point, you must understand two things:

1. There's a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page;

2. There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400 right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians.

It had been decided that during this performance, after the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the Ninth, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes.

Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and have a few brews. After they had downed the first couple rounds, one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were late."

Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other." So they had another round and finally returned to the Opera House, a little tipsy by now.

However, as they came back on stage, one look at their conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble.

Katims was furious! And why not?

After all . . . It was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the basses were loaded.

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.

He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa."

Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer:

"Okay, how about this "If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends

E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50.

The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"

Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a dalmatian dog. The children began to discuss the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, " to find the fire hydrant."

An elderly woman was nervous about making her first flight in an airplane, so before takeoff, she went to see the captain about her fears. "You will bring me down safely, won't you?" she anxiously inquired.

"Don't worry, Madam," came the friendly reply. "I haven't left anyone up there yet."

Get me outa here!!!

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Michael Kadish

"Between the ages of 16 and 60 no man is completely sane except for the 10 minutes immediately following orgasm."-Dapper Dan Collins

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