Joan, the well proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. " The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we'd appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. " No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed gentleman. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
A little girl walked out of the bathroom to find her mother making a cake. She says, "Mommy, can I lick the bowl?"
Her mother says, "Can't you just flush it like everyone else?"
This guy's wife asks, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?" and he replies, "Well, after a considerable period of grieving, we all need companionship, I guess I would."
She says, "If I died and you remarried, would she live in this house?"
He replies, "We've spent a lot of time and money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house, I guess she would."
So she asks, "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, would she sleep in our bed?" and he says, "That bed is brand new, we just paid a thousand dollars for it, it's going to last a long time, I guess she would."
So she asks, "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"
And he says, "Oh no, she's left handed."
Magazine Description A. Magazine covers the exciting, influential world of Asian America. Award-winning designs join authoritative and in-depth reports on personalities, trends, culture, cuisine, entertainment, lifestyles, politics, and social issues. A must-read for Asian Americans and anyone interested in contemporary Asian culture.
A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to start farming. He goes to the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.
A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.
Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens."
"Wow!" the co-op man replies. "You must really be doing well.
"Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"
The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"
The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
Staggering in from their tenth anniversary dinner, the drunken husband collapsed in a chair and let out an enormous belch.
"That's it George! I've had it this time." his wife screamed.
"I'm cutting you off forever."
"That's impossible," he replied, "you don't even know where I'm getting it."
Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"
"I've been circumcised."
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?"
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"
After receiving his medication from the pharmacist, the customer asked, "Are these time release pills?"
The pharmacist replied, "Yes. They begin to work after your check clears."
At a mass at which some young ladies were to take their finals vows to become nuns, the bishop presiding noticed two rabbis enter the church just before the mass began. They were seated at the back of the sanctuary and insisted on sitting on the right side of the center aisle.
The bishop wondered why they had come but didn't have time to inquire before the mass began. When it came time for some announcements, his curiosity got the best of him. He announced that he was delighted to see two rabbis in their midst at the mass but, was curious as to why they were present at this occasion where the young ladies were to become the "brides of Christ."
The eldest of the rabbis slowly rose to his feet and explained, "Family of the Groom."
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card. It said, "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist gave him a rather concerned look as he tried to share his perspective:
"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location."
A man is driving home late one afternoon, and he is driving well above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles per hour.
Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.
The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said... "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought that *you* were the officer and that you were trying to give her back to me!"
Boy, I hope this is true.
According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated:
Wash. Biol. Surv.
until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:
"Dear Sirs:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."
The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.
A sales company has particular trouble selling bibles. One day, a man comes in with a job application and says "l-l-l-l'd l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-t-t-t-to b-b-b-b- b-be a b-b-b-bible salesman, s-s-s-sir." lnititally, he doesn't want to give the job to this man, but decided to try him out.
After three weeks, the manager is looking at the charts and realizes that the newest guy is selling the most copies. Amazed, he calls him in to his office.
"You've only worked here for three weeks and you've already sold more copies than anyone else here! How do you do it?"
"W-w-w-w-w-well, l g-g-g-go up t-t-t-t-to th-the d-d-d-door and-d-d l-l--l s-s-s-say, w-w-w-w-would -y-y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-b-buy a c-c-copy o-o-of th-th-th-the b-b-b-bible, or w-w-w--w-would y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-like m-m-me t-t-t-to r-r-r-r-read itt-t-t-t-t-to y-y-y-you?"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes asked: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see".
Watson said "I see millions and millions of stars".
Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"
Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes: "Elementary, my dear Watson. Somebody stole our tent"
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