These are the Jokes Folks 1,056,543.
(Tame/Clean Jokes)
(Tame/Clean Jokes)
An obviously underage boy goes into a bar, climbs up onto a stool, and calls the barmaid. "Can I help you little boy?", she asks.
"I'd like a double shot of Jack Daniel's," he replies.
She exclaims, "What do you want to do, get me into trouble?"
"Sounds good to me," he answers, "but how bout the drink first?"
Q) How many seconds are there in a day?
A) It depends on how good you were the first time
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot
"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."
"Was he successful?"
"Yup, I had to sell my car to pay his bill.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.
Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
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How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Dam".
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A pachydermatologist
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.
Commercial break:
Alfred Hitchcock Mystery
Magazine Description Alfred Hitchcock Mystery is a monthly publication that presents stories packed with suspense, mystery, and intrigue.
What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.
and what kind of lettuce?
Iceberg.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.
Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
The boyfriend said, "We're going to have a GREAT time Saturday. I've gotten three tickets for the big game."
"Why do we need three ?" asked the girl.
"They're for your Father, Mother, and kid sister." he replied.
Commercial break:
What tool do police use when they need to round up cross-dressing prostitutes?
A dragnet
If a basketball team were chasing a baseball team, what time would it be?
Five after nine.
A tired traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tired after a long day's trip he asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby.
He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.
"Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for the night."
Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!"
"Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."
A young father was wheeling a pushchair in which sat a screaming child. As he walked along, he muttered to himself. "Keep calm, Harry; steady on, now. Calm down, everything will be all right, Harry."
A lady paused as she walked past, saying, "You're doing so well, talking to your crying child so quietly." She leaned over and said to the child. "What's the matter, Harry?"
"I'm Harry," said the father. "He's Stephen"
A man was allegedly killed Sunday in Manila for singing off-key. "In related news, Bob Dylan has postponed his concert tour to the Philippines."
Why are basketball players tall?
Because their heads are so far from their feet.
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.
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Michael Kadish
