These are the Jokes Folks 1,056,542.
(Tame Jokes)

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a General seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"

The Corporal, who was driving, said, "General Wheeler."

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You have to have a sticker on the windshield."

The General said, "Drive on!"

The sentry replied, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."

The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"

One day, Grandma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Grandma's kitchen.

"Where's my bucket and where's my water?" Grandma asked him.

"I can't get any water from that water hole, Grandma," exclaimed Johnny. "There's a big ol' alligator down there!"

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"

"Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

Suzie had a crush on Mikey since she was 15-years-old. Mikey never paid Suzie any attention. Every year, Suzie would try to get Mikey to notice her, but he just wasn't interested. Finally, when Suzie turned 18, she began to come of age, and sure enough, Mikey noticed. Suzie looked so pretty and grown-up, that Mikey asked her for a date for a Friday night.

She was so excited all that week and she could hardly wait for Friday. As soon as she got home from school on Friday, Suzie began getting ready for her date at 7. She spent four hours on her clothes, hair and make-up, wanting everything to be perfect for the night she had waited years for.

Finally, 7 pm came around. Looking out the window, she saw Mikey pull up in his shiny black car. She became so nervous and excited, that she opened the door before he even got to it. "Hi Mikey!" she said, nervous as a cat.

Mikey replied, "Suzie you look beautiful!" Suzie was so pleased when she walked out the door, until it hit her. Suzie realized in horror that she had to break wind! "Oh my God," she thought, walking along, "what am I going to do?"

Being a quick thinker, Suzie got an idea: She would let him open her door for her, hurry in, break wind, roll down the window real quick, and by the time he came around and got in, all would be okay. So, they got to the car, Mikey opened the door, and Suzie got in. He closed the door, then she really ripped one! She rolled down the window, just as he got to his door.

Relaxing a little now, Suzie smiled at Mikey as he got in the car. Then Mikey turned to her, pointed to the back seat, and said, "Suzie, I'd like for you to meet my brother, Carl, and his date."

Patient: "Doctor, every time I look in the mirror, I get sick!"
Doctor: "At least your eyesight is good."

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained.

"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me.

Once upon a time, two brooms fell in love and decided to get married. Before the ceremony, the bride broom informed the groom broom that she was expecting a little whiskbroom. The groom broom was aghast! "How is this possible?" he asked. "We've never swept together!"

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.

"I can't dear," she said. "I have To sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."

"What's the usual tip?" the man growled when a college boy delievered his pizza.

"Well," the student replied, "this is my first delievery, but the other guys said that if I get a quarter out of you, I'd be doing great."

"That so?" grunted the man.

"In that case, here's five dollars."

"Thanks," the student said, "I'll put it in my college fund."

"By the way, what are you studying?"

"Applied psychology."

Son : Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom : Well, you have done the right thing.
Son : But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish'".

What's the difference between an Indian curry and the Spice Girls?
An Indian curry has Ginger in it

The Smiths were dining out when his wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. "Honey," she said as she pointed the guy out, "that guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

Her husband said, "That's silly, no one celebrates that much!"

Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A: I should be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Q: Were you aquatinted with the deceased?
A: Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?

Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.

Q: What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.

Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

The Court: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.

Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
Mr. Brooks: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

Q. Did you hear about the dyslexic rabbi?
A. He was walking around everywhere saying, "Yo!"

Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. They're trying to get away from the noise.

Q. How can you tell if a redneck is married?
A. There is tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.

Q: What do you call a redneck who hasn't slept with his sister?
A: An only child.

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Michael Kadish

"Between the ages of 16 and 60 no man is completely sane except for the 10 minutes immediately following orgasm."-Dapper Dan Collins

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