These are the Jokes Folks 1,056,541.
(Political Jokes)

Know what the FBI found in Monica's panties????
A wad of Bills

It's near the end of the school year and the teacher has turned in her grades. All the kids are restless because there's nothing to do and it's near the end of the day. The teacher says, "Whoever answers first, and correctly, the questions I ask can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question".

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln".

The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go". Johnny was MAD.

The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King".

The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go". Johnny was even MADDER than before. The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy".

The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go". Johnny was BOILING MAD.

Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut".

The teacher turned to the class and asked angrily, "WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?"

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened.

About 1 hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

"What happened to you?" asked Bill.

"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19 year old daughter made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them", asks Clinton.

The driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig."

I hear that Monica is donating her dress to a museum. I understand the marquee for the display will read� "The President Came Here.

What help wanted ad did Monica Lewinsky answer?
Be a White House intern, and get a taste of the Presidency!

Q. What do Monica Lewinsky and A Soda machine have in Common
A. They both have a slot that says "Insert Bill Here"

Q. How did we know that Monica would testify?
A. Because she has a history of not being able to keep her mouth closed.

Bumper sticker for Clinton's car: Make Love AND War

Clinton dies and he goes to hell. Satan meets him there and says, "Bill we have to find a spot for you for all of eternity." So Satan takes Bill down a hall and they come to the first door and open it. Inside is Bill Gates being burned at the stake.

"No," Bill balks, "I can't do that for all eternity."

"Fair enough," replies Satan.

Satan takes Bill down the hall to a second door. Inside is Rush Limbaugh being pulled apart on The Rack.

"No," Bill again balks. "I can't do that for all of eternity, either." Satan takes Bill to the last door. Inside, Kenneth Starr is being held up to the wall with chains around his wrists. At his groin is Monica Lewinsky giving him a blow job. Bill smiles.

"Yes!" he shouts, "that's for me." Satan walks into the room and kicks Monica and shouts, "Get up Monica, and get out�... Your replacement's here.

The AP reports that close associates of the Clinton's concede that following the president's confession of infidelity, his relationship with Hillary has turned rather "frosty"�

This contrasts with the president's relationship with Monica Lewinsky, which never seemed "frosty," but did resemble a Slurpee or a Big Gulp.

Bill Clinton is doing the work of 3 men: Larry, Curly, and Moe

When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied, "I don't know. I never had one."

Due to Clinton's escapades, The Lord added an 11th commandment:

11. Thou shalt not stick thy rod in thy staff.

Clinton's mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be President.

So far, half of her prayer has been answered.

The Republicans are jealous of the sexual activities of the Democrats.

After all, who ever heard of a GOOD PIECE OF ELEPHANT!!!!!

(or a good republican, come to think of it�)

Question: Do you know why Bill Clinton plays the saxophone?
Answer: He lost his hormonica.

What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office?
Don't hit your head on the desk.

THE INTERROGATION as by Dr. Suess
I'm here to ask
As you'll soon see -
Did you grope
Miss Lewinsky?

Did you grope her
In your house?
Did you grope
Beneath her blouse?

I did not do that
Here or there-
I did not do that
Anywhere!

I did not do that
Near or far -
I did not do that
Starr-You-Are.

Did you smile?
Did you flirt?
Did you peek
Beneath her skirt?

And did you tell
the girl to lie
When called upon
To testify?

I do not like you
Starr-You-Are -
I think that you
Have gone too far.

I will not answer
Any more -
Perhaps I will go and
Start a war!

The public's easy
To distract -
When bombs are
Falling on Iraq!

What do Monica and Lucille Ball have in common?
They've both been screwed by a Cuban.

I hear Monica Lewinsky could never become a doctor, because she really sucked as an intern.

Sing along to the theme from Grease

"Grease"

Bill: "Summer intern, had me a blast"
Monica: "White house intern, happened so fast"
Bill: "Met a girl, crazy for me"
Monica: "Met the prez, down on my knees"
Bill: "Summer days, sucking away, oh, i, but those summer nights"
Grand Jury: "Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah. uh. Tell us more, tell us more"
Linda Tripp: "Try to remember your best"
Grand Jury: "Tell us more, tell us more"
Kenneth Starr: "Did he come on your dress?"

Grand Jury: Uh-huh....Uh-huh...Uh-huh....

Grand Jury: Uh-huh....Uh-huh....Uh-huh....

Bill: "Wanted to screw her but she had a cramp"
Monica: "The prez is sexy - he makes my panties damp"
Bill: "She gave me head, right in the White House"
Monica: "I said OK, just don't come in my mouth"
Bill: "Summer days, gobbling away, oh, i, but those summer nights"

Grand Jury:"Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah. uh. Tell us more, tell us more"
Linda Tripp: "He sounds like a swell guy"
Grand Jury:"Tell us more, tell us more"
Kenneth Starr:"Did he tell you to lie?"
Bill: "Press found out, it turned into a mess"
Monica: "He gave me fifty bucks to buy a new dress"
Bill: "She promised to lie, she made a vow"
Monica: "Wonder who is servicing him now"
Bill & Monica: "Sex filled dreams, ripped at the seams But.........oh Those White House Nights"

An Arkansas family with nine sons all voted Democratic at every election -- all except one boy. A friend asked the Father to explain this fall from grace. The boy's Father said, "I've always tried to bring them boys up right, but Johnny, the ornery cuss, got to readin' and..."

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

"Will I be acquitted?"

What is the difference between a lady and a politician ?

When a politician says "yes", he means "maybe". If he says "maybe", he means "no". And if he says "no", he is not a politician.

When a lady says "no", she means "maybe". If she says "maybe", she means "yes". And if she says "yes", she is not a "lady".

So Monica's in Australia, but nobody can find her. Anybody checked the Prime Minister's office?

To his credit, Clinton is now defending Monica Lewinsky, saying she was no different from any other White House intern. He said, "She takes my pants off one leg at a time, just like everyone else."

Bill Clinton is jogging around and tells a Secret Service man, "I can't wait to get back to the White House so I can rip Monica's panties off!"

The serviceman replies, "Aren't you a bit frisky sir?

Bill says, "Nah.. they're just riding up my crack!"

One day, Chelsea Clinton asked her dad, "Do all fairy tales start with 'Once upon a time'"?

Bill answered, "No, some start with, 'After I'm elected. . ."

President Clinton called St. Louis Cardinals slugger Mark McGwire Sunday to congratulate him for a record season and invited him and his son to visit the White House...Clinton likes home run kings, even though he only goes to third base in the Oval Office... (Rodney Lee - Comedy On Tap)

President Clinton now only recruits interns from only four colleges:
Morehead, Oral Roberts, Ball State and Brigham Young.

What's the difference between the Titanic and the Atlanta Police Department?
The Titanic had a band.

Isn't blaming the Clinton scandal on Ken Starr a lot like blaming World War II on the Nuremberg prosecutors?

Why did Bill Clinton name his dog 'Buddy'?
He didn't want to be seen on the White House lawn yelling "Come Spot!!!!"

President Clinton had been walking around the White House and going to meetings all day with a pair of pink ladies' panties on his arm. Reporters and staff observed this phenomenon and of course wondered what he was doing. At an afternoon press conference Sam Donaldson got brave enough to ask him why he had a pair of ladies' panties on his arm. The President replied: "It's the patch. I'm trying to quit."

A surgeon went to check on his very famous patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine Miss Lewinsky" he said.

She asked "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor."

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl. "What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

Why does Monica refuse to play golf with Bill?
Because she's tired of his balls hitting her in the face.

What does Monica Lewinsky's blue dress and Nascar auto racing have in common?
Dick Trickle

What's the difference between Larry Flint and Ken Starr?

One fought multiple legal battles in order to create pornography.
The other actually made some money while he was at it.

"Oprah Winfrey has rejected a guest appearance by Monica Lewinsky because she wanted money. She would have probably been a bad interview. The word is that one-on-one she sucks." (Alan Ray)

Clinton's new anti-tobacco message: "Don't put that cigar in your mouth, you don't know where it has been."

After the scandal is over, Monica will have to decide on a career path. It has been determined that she is a "shoe-in" for those milk mustache ads

What is the difference between Monica Lewinsky and a transvestite sailor?
With the sailor, the dress is on the seaman.

Why did Monica Lewinsky change to Republican ?
The Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

What do you call someone in the White House who is honest, ethical, intelligent, law abiding and truthful?
A tourist

What did Monica say to reporters when she was leaving Washington to return to L.A.?
I am proud to have worked on the President's Staff.

What's eight days of sex at the White House?
Chanuka Monica.

Hillary and Chelsea are having a mother\daughter talk one night. "So you have been in college for a while now, have you had sex yet?"

"Not according to dad!"

What do you get when you cross a draft dodger and a lesbian?
Chelsea

We all know what a Birdie (1 under) and a Bogey (one over) are. Now there's a Lewinsky. Its when the shot lands three feet from the hole.

How will Clinton build his bridge to the 21st century? Apparently while part of a federal prison work release program.

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy?
One tries to hump the leg of every woman in the White House, the other is a chocolate lab.

Let me tell you a little story 'bout a man named Bill,
A poor country boy living off the public till.
And then one day he was shooting off his wad,
And out of the blue comes the Federal Squad.

Starr, that is.
Republican gold
Conservative tea

Well, the next thing you know, Bill's in a lot of shit.
Everybody said, "Bill, get out of it."
Said, "Little Rock's the place you should be, you dope."

So he loaded up his truck moved back to Hope.
Arkansas, that is. Swampland, trailer parks, toothless women.......

What California city can't Bill get off his mind lately?
Scent o' Monica.

Did you hear Clinton is declaring a new National Bird?
The Spread Eagle.

How many White House Interns does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, they're too busy screwing the President.

What is Clinton's favorite toy?
An Erector Set.

What is Clinton's favorite card game?
Poker.

What position did Monica Lewinsky have at the White House?
Missionary.

What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume?
"Sat on the Presidential Staff."

What is the difference between Monica Lewinsky and a Hoover vacuum?
Where the DirtBag attaches.

If Ted Kennedy, Dan Quayle, Bob Packwood, and Bill Clinton all had a spelling contest, which one would win?
Dan Quayle. He's the only one who knows that harass is one word.

Why did Monica Lewinsky accept an offer to work on the White House staff?
She didn't understand what STAFF he really meant.

Why is Clinton's approval rating so high?
Because Monica was taking the pole.

Get me outa here!!!

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Michael Kadish

"Between the ages of 16 and 60 no man is completely sane except for the 10 minutes immediately following orgasm."-Dapper Dan Collins

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