Dear Miss Manners:

OK, this is no longer a pressing problem, but I still wonder about what it was you are supposed to do in this situation. See there are two pay phones in the yeshiva. They're near each other, one is at the bottom of the stairs, the other is in the next room, but the hall in that direction is a dead end, so when both are occupied, you stand a few feet behind the guy on the first phone, and if the guy on the second phone finishes, then you can see him walk by, and you get access. This way, you're ready to get on either phone, when one of the finally hangs up.

OK, so far, so good.

Here's the problem.

I'm waiting in position for the phone. I have a relatively important call to make. The guy on the other phone is on a Bezeq card, meaning he could go on for hours, while the first guy has a normal telecard, and will thus probably be done soon. (To the Americans who are still reading and have no idea what those last two were, assume Bezeq card charges at a cheaper rate, directly to your home phone, and is virtually unlimited, whereas the telecard is more or less equivalent to putting in coins.) I can wait a few minutes, but this is a relatively important call.

The problem begins when this little whiny guy, who is a few steps in front of me, initiates phone sex with a girl who is somewhere out there in the world. Now, until I began typing this, the thought of telling him, "look, I have an important call to make," didn't cross my mind. That's highly rude, and walking in on somebody...well, anyway.

The guys an American, he's doing it all in English. (Luckily I didn't know the guy.) He goes on in a deep breathy voice, "As you feel me, you open your legs, wider, wider..." I'm trying, I mean, I am seriously trying not to start cracking up here.

"I feel all over you warm body..." I am literally biting my lips, curling my toes, and tightening my stomach, trying to keep myself from laughing.

I am trying to not listen, but I'm three feet away. I can't help it. I can't walk away. If I walk away, I lose my place in line for the phone, and I need to make this call. So, I have to stay there, waiting. "Licking each others' faces," OK, at this point, I sat down on the steps, doubled over, covered my face, and miraculously kept the laughter muted. I swear though (b"n), that if he had let out a groan I would have not been able to stop laughing.

I am sure he didn't notice his audience. He was a bit too engrossed in his conversation too notice the painfully contorted laughing mass twisting and hiding on the stairs. I nearly missed seeing that the other guy had finished on the phone, and had walked past me.

So, I went to get the phone; story's over.

But, I still want to know the answer. What are you supposed to do in that situation? Is there some form of etiquette that I'm supposed to use here?

Maybe I will just ask Miss Manners.

Get me outa here!!!

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Michael Kadish

"Some programs have been theatrical masterpieces, but all we're seeing is the negative side of nuclear war." -- Barry Goldwater

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