These are the Jokes Folks 1,056,539.
(Sexual Jokes)

An 'American' tourist couple, both sociologists, were walking the streets of a small town in Saudi Arabia. It was nearing the middle of the day and they didn't want to miss lunch at their ramshackle hotel--the only one in town and which always served meals promptly. They came upon an old herder perched on a stool beside his camel. "Excuse me, sir," the man asked, "but could you tell me the time?"

The old man glanced at them, spat in the dirt, then turned and reached under his camel....and hefted the animal's testicles. After a moment, he released them. "It is 10 minutes before noon," he replied. The couple exchanged confused looks, thanked the man and hurried back to their hotel, arriving just in time for the meal.

Later that day, the wandering couple found themselves again on the same street and spied the old herder perched beside his camel, apparently unmoved. Curious as to how he could tell time by fondling his animal's balls they approached him and asked again, "Sir, can you tell us the time?"

They watched closely as he again reached up and grabbed the camel's jewels, seemingly judging their weight, then pronounced, "It is half-past four." The couple excitedly exchanged looks. The woman blurted, "Oh, sir! That is an amazing ability you have! Could you show us how you do it?!?"

"Surely," the herder responded tiredly, and motioned them to squat beside him.

"Now, grasp his jewels gently and lift them up to his belly." The woman did so while her companion watched. "What now?", she inquired.

"Now," said the old man, "look over there--can you now see the clock in the far tower? When the big hand is on the......."

There was a wife that was sick and tired of her hubby not giving her any sex and she thought of an idea... She would put on her nightgown on backwards, so it would plunge low in the front, and her hubby would see it and jump on her bones. So that night she put on the gown backward, and pranced in front of her hubby, who was reading the paper. He looked up and then continued back reading... Wifey got so pissed and stomped her foot... and said... "Don't you see anything different?"

Hubby looked up and said "Yes dear you have you nightgown on backwards...

She said 'Wow how did you know?"

Hubby said... "cause the poop stain in the front."

A guy in a restaurant orders chicken noodle soup. He starts to eat the soup and chokes on a hair in the soup. After gagging for a minute, he calls the waitress. "I'm not paying for this soup. There was a hair in it."

The waitress and customer get into a bit of an argument over the problem. The guy ends up storming out of the restaurant without paying.

The waitress sees the guy go across the street to a house of ill repute. The waitress's shift is over in about 15 minutes. She hurries over to the hooker house and finds out where the guy is. The waitress crashes into the room where the guy and lady of the evening are engaging. As she walks in, the waitress sees the guy with his face in the hooker's business area.

The waitress, seeing this, says, "You wouldn't pay for the chicken noodle soup because you found hair in it. Now look where your face is."

The guy, upon pulling his face out of the muff, turns to the waitress and says, "And if I find a noodle in there, I won't pay for that either!!!"

What kind of license do lesbians need?
A licker license.

"Why do you never scream my name when you come?"

"Because you're never there when it happens."

A woman checked in at the pearly gates and asked to join her former husband, Walter Smith. Saint Peter said, "We have five million Walter Smiths. Give us a little clue."

The woman said, "My Walter is bald and has blue eyes, and he said that if I ever slept with another man he'd turn over in his grave."

Saint Peter motioned an angel forward. "Take her to Whirling Walter!"

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past. "C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby, " he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit." Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13....."

A newly married couple returned to their apartment after being on honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Sh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

A guy walks into a drugstore operated by a prudish woman. He asks, "Can I have a dozen condoms, miss?"

"Don't Miss me, mister."

"Well then, you better make it 13."

Three guys are debating who has the best memory. First guy says, "I can remember the first day of my First Grade class."

Second guy says, "I can remember my first day at Nursery School!"

Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "Hell, that's nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother."

One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.

As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did."

They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time. Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel/centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women.

Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and murmur's to herself, "Damn income taxes!"

This guy was taking a course in human sexuality. The instructor was going through various things in the Kinsey report, and the class members gasped audibly when she read out that a woman had several hundred orgasms in a single session.

A male voice said, "Wow, who was she?".

A female voice followed with, "The hell with that...who was *HE*?"

A customer walks into a pharmacy and asks clerk for an Anal Deodorant. The clerk explains that they don't stock them. The man insists that he bought his last one from this store. The store clerk passes man on to the pharmacist, who explains that store has never stocked such an item. The man explains he bought his last one from this store only weeks ago, and has done for several years. The pharmacist asks man to

bring in his last purchase and he will try to match the product.

The following day, the man returns to the pharmacy and shows the deodorant to the pharmacist. The pharmacist asks why the customer thinks this is an anal deodorant, when it is obviously of the underarm stick variety.

The customer explains that instructions on reverse state, " Push up bottom to use."

What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I just got laid and now you expect me to get hard in three minutes?!

An old maid was held up in a dark alley. She explained she had no money, but the robber insisted that it must be in her bra and started feeling around. "I told you I haven't got any money," the spinster said, "but if you keep doing that, I'll write you a check."

In the murkiness of a skid-row alley, a street-walker mistook a Salvation Army man for a soldier and propositioned him.

"You may be forgiven as a victim of circumstances." intoned the savior of souls. "Tell me, are you familiar with the original sin ?"

"Maybe and maybe not." she shot back. "But if it's really original, it's gonna cost ya an extra fifty."

Three women were talking about their love lives.

The first said, "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."

The second said, "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful."

The third said, "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going."

What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.

After dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet country road and made his move. When Mary responded enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his hand up her blouse. Suddenly she jerked away, got out of the car and stomped home. That night she wrote in her diary, "A girl's best friends are her own two legs."

On their next date, Carl returned to the country road. As they were necking, he slid his hand up Mary's skirt. Once again, she pulled away, got out of the car and stomped home. That night she wrote in her diary, "I repeat, a girl's best friends are her own two legs."

On the third date, the pair returned to the country road. This time Mary didn't get home until very late. That night she wrote, "Dear diary: There comes a time when even the best of friends must part."

A woman goes to her doctor's office and inquires, "Did I leave my panties here doctor?'

"No", said the Doctor.

"Then I must have left them at the Dentist's office", said the woman.

When his wife's snoring woke him for the third straight night, Harry went to the bathroom medicine cabinet, got some aspirin and popped two tablets into her gaping mouth.

"Awk, glub!" choked his startled wife as she awoke. "What happened?" "I gave you some aspirin, honey." "Why?" she asked. "I don't have a headache."

"Great!" Harry said, triumphantly. "Let's fuck."

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---

Michael Kadish

"Some programs have been theatrical masterpieces, but all we're seeing is the negative side of nuclear war." -- Barry Goldwater

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