These are the jokes folks 1,056,536

Warning--These jokes are here because they are a bit offensive.

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What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.
Ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss Q. How does an Italian get into an honest business?
A. Usually through the skylight�..
?????????????????? Q. Why don't the cheerleaders in San Francisco wear short skirts?
A. Because when they sit down their balls hang out.
Ggggg What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come
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Two blondes are walking down the street. One blonde finds a little mirror, looks in it, again, and again. Puzzled, she says to her friend, "I just know I've seen this face before!"

"Give it to me", says the other blonde. She looks in the mirror and says, "Of course, you silly! It's me!!"
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Two travelling salesmen got trapped in a rainstorm one night and sought refuge at a nearby farm. The farmer was more than willing to oblige but told the men that they would have to sleep in the loft of his barn. The salesman readily agreed and climbed the ladder to the loft where they settled for the night.

The storm grew worse and the barn door started fluttering open and shut in the gales of wind. The ladder leading up to the loft was swept away and the men were stranded. The men were so grateful that the roof of the barn held up and kept them dry. The storm eventually passed and in the morning the men were stymied on how to get back down now that their ladder was no more.

"I'll tell you what," said the first salesman. "I'll jump down and we'll see what happens. If I jump in that pile of shit over there, it may cushion my landing."

The other salesman agreed and the first salesman jumped from the loft. "Well," said the second salesman. "Are you OK?"

"Yep," said the first salesman. "The shit broke my fall and it's all the way up to my ankles."

So the second salesman jumped. When he landed in the pile of shit he fell deeper and deeper into it until he had sank all the way in. As he struggled to get to the top of the pile of shit, he screamed, "I thought you said it was only up to your ankles!"

"It was," replied the first salesman. "I jumped headfirst."

Commercial break:

OK, we now return...
DDDDDDDDDDDDD Many men say women cannot be trusted too far.
Many women, on the other hand, say men cannot be trusted too close.
- - - - Most men realize they'll never be able to "change" any woman.
Women try to change men, but they only succeed when he's a baby.
- - - - A lot of men claim they're "well read".
Women insist the sports pages, comics & "PlayBoy" don't count.
- - - -
Most husbands would love to do all of the things that their wives suspect they're doing all the time.
- - - - Most wives think their husbands got a prize when they married them.
Most husbands think they should have gotten a reward instead.
There are still a few men who claim to be "self-made" men.
There are no self-made women; their plans change too often to finish.
- - - - Men say if you don't praise women, they think you don't care.
Women say if you praise men, they think they're too good for you.
- - - - Fathers believe that wrinkles are hereditary.
Mothers KNOW that wrinkles come from husbands and kids.
CCCCCCCCCC
A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, "What in the world happened to you, buddy?"

The guy says "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore."

"Yeah," says the bartender. "What did she do?"

"She hit me with her bag of quarters."
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One day a jogger runs off the road and gets stuck in some quicksand. He's up to his knees, when another jogger comes by. He says "Hey buddy think you could help me out of this quicksand? The other jogger responds "Sure but its going to cost you a blowjob."

"FUCK YOU, you queer! I'll wait for the next jogger!" He's up to his belly when the next jogger comes by. "Hey buddy, think you could help me out of this quicksand?"

" Sure but it'll cost you a blowjob."

"Get out of here you fucking queer! I'll wait for the next jogger!"

Well by the time the next jogger gets there he's up to his chin, just barely keeping his head out of the quicksand. "Hey buddy, think you could help me out of this quicksand? I'm about to go under. I'll do anything to get out of here! Oh please, I'm desperate, I'll even give you a blowjob if you get me out of here!"

The jogger looks down at him, raises his foot up and stomps the poor guy out of sight. As he walks away he mutters "Fucking queers."
��
Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.

Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

Patient: I JUST DID YOU STUPID FUCK!!!!!
��
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OK, we now return...

A guy was staying in a fancy hotel and was enjoying the pool when the manager told him quite bluntly to get out. When asked for the reason, the manager said, "Because you peed in the pool."

"Well," replied the swimmer, "lots of people do that."

"True," answered the manager, "but you did it from the diving board."
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Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction.

"Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?"

"Nothing," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv Why do drivers education classes in Jacksonville schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
%%%%% What do they call "Hee Haw" in Oklahoma?
A documentary.
What do they call it in Kentucky?
"Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."
How do you tell if a W. Virginian girl is old enough to marry?
Make her stand in a barrel. If her chin is over the top, she's old enough. If it isn't, cut the barrel down a bit.
????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? How do you make a dog drink?
Put one in a blender.
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A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted & the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady & rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try & throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup & she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again & again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when�.....

�.....the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.
Vvvvv

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Michael Kadish

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