These Are the Jokes Folks 1,056,537
The ambitious coach of a girl's track team gives the squad steroids to "help them out a bit."
The team's performance soars. They win the county and then the state championship, until one day they are favored to win the national competition easily!
Penelope, a sixteen year old hurdler visits her coach and says, "Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest."
"What!?" the coach says in a panic, "how far down does the hair go?"
She replies, "All the way down to my balls. Oh, that's something else I meant to talk to you about�"
Did you hear Lorena Bobbit was in a car crash?
Some dick cut her off.
How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim are already in the U.S.
What do you call a dog with 4" legs and 6" steel balls?
Sparky.
What's the difference between Courtney Love and Wayne Gretzky?
Wayne takes a shower after 3 periods.
Commercial break:
Aircraft Economics
Magazine DescriptionAircraft Economics is a magazine aimed at decision-makers in the commercial aircraft industry. The magazine offers impartial information to assist in the selection, disposal, replacement, and management of aircraft and engine fleets. Published six times a year, the magazine is filled with articles on topics such as new technology, fuel costs and efficiency, ground-handling reforms, and aircraft lease rates.
What's brown and often found in children's underpants?
Michael Jackson's hand.
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous systems has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
A man found a lamp and rubbed it, and surprise, a genie popped out and told him he could have one wish. The man asked, "What happened to three wishes?"
The genie sighed and said, "Look, you've been watching too much TV, I only grant one wish and I can turn one down if it's too hard."
The man replied, "OK, I can live with that. My wish: I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm too afraid to fly and hate boats, so I want you to build me a highway to Hawaii from California so I can drive."
The Genie responded, "Are you crazy? It would take millions of workers, billions of dollars, zillions of tons of concrete, and years to build a bridge like that! Dammit man, that's next to impossible! Pick another wish!"
The man was disappointed, but had another wish. "Alright, then for my wish, I would like to be able to really understand women, get along good with them, make them happy and learn how to keep them faithful to me."
The genie looked at him real strange, was silent for a moment, then replied: "Did you want that bridge to be 2 lanes or 4?"
Commercial break:
A guy is in the airport in Australia, being asked the usual questions. "Did you pack all your bags?"
"Yes."
"Have they been in your sight the whole time?"
"Yes."
"Has anybody given you anything to take into the country?"
"No."
"Are you in possession of any firearms, liquor, or illegal substances?"
"No."
"Do you have in your possession any plants or animals?"
"No."
"Have you ever been convicted of a felony?"
"I didn't know that was still a requirement to enter this country."
This nice old Jewish lady went decided to buy a parrot so she went to the store and bought one. The parrot seemed fine and when Friday night came, she dressed the parrot up and went to temple. The parrot seemed fine but when the rabbi went to bless the congregation, the parrot screamed out, "It's fuckin' cold in here!" The woman, completely appalled, grabbed the parrot and ran out.
Well, the parrot seemed fine for the next week so once again, on Friday she and the parrot got dressed up and went to temple. Like the previous week, the parrot was fine until the rabbi went to bless the congregation at which point the parrot, once again screamed out "It's fuckin' cold in here!" Once again, the lady was appalled, grabbed the parrot and ran out of temple.
She decided to confront the man at the pet store to see what was going on. The clerk at the pet store said, "You gotta show the parrot who's boss so here is what you do. The next time he does this, grab him by his legs and swing him around your head a few times. That should teach him a lesson."
That Friday night they once again got dressed up and went to temple. Like the previous two weeks, when the rabbi went to bless the congregation, the parrot screamed out, "It's fuckin' cold in here!" The lady, remembering what the clerk said, grabbed the parrot by its legs and swung it around her head a few times.
When she was done, the parrot looked at her and screamed out, "and fuckin' windy too!"
Commercial break:
A blond stood upon the banks of a raging river, looking for a way to cross. The rapids looked far too treacherous to risk, so the blond started along the bank looking for a better place to wade across.
After several minutes of hiking, the blond spied a second blond on the far bank of the river.
"Hey!" the first blond called to the second. "How do I get over to the other side?"
"Idiot," sneered the second blond. "You *are* on the other side."
If true, this is hilarious.
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted by a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
The crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,
"I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS!"
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir, I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F--- you!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, Sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
Why do brunettes like their dark hair color ? It doesn't show the dirt.
Who makes all the bras for brunettes?
Fisher-Price
Commercial break:
Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes?
The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable
Why are most brunettes flat-chested?
It makes it easier for them to read their T-shirts
Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
It matches their mustache
Why is the color brunette considered evil?
When's the last time ya saw a blonde witch? (Wasn't Samantha blond? Both of them?)
How can you tell a brunette is lonely?
Check her for a pulse
What is the most frustrated animal in the world?
A brunette rabbit
What did the frustrated brunette say to her uninterested lover?
"What part of 'yes' don't you understand?"
Why did God create brunettes?
So ugly men wouldn't feel left out
What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
The invitation
Where do brunettes get the hair for a transplant?
From their underarms
Why do brunettes have to pay an extra $2,000 for a breast job?
Because the plastic surgeon has to start from scratch
How do you describe a brunette whose phone rings on Saturday night?
Startled
What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette?
A hostage
How did Revlon come up with it's brunette hair color?
By studying what oil spills did to seaweed
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Michael Kadish
