These are the Jokes Folks 1,056,538. (Sexual Jokes)

Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first punishment. The first room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room. The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire. The new guy immediately asks to see the third room.

It has an really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde. The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room. The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says "okay, stop now you've been relieved."

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"

"No," said his mom, "of course not."

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

Little Johnny and Jane are playing in the garden when they start having an argument about whether boys are better than girls. After a while Johnny stands up and pulls down his shorts saying, "Boys are better than girls 'cause you haven't got one of these!!"

Jane looks at him in astonishiment as she knows she hasn't got one of those between her legs. She bursts out crying and rushes inside to her mother. A little while later she comes back out with a big smile on her face.

"My mum says girls are better than boys," she says.

"No they're not," says Johnny pulling down his shorts, "You haven't got one of these!"

Jane looks at him, then raises her skirt, pulls down her panties and says, "My mum says that as long as I've got one of these I can have as many of those as I want!!"

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket - If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob once we get there?"

"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."

The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. The friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs etc.

"Why all the attention?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me."

"I know!" grinned the patient. "But the Nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required thirty-seven stitches."

Judi and Jon got married and she was at the drug store looking at the men's toiletries. A clerk comes up to help her and asks if she needs assistance. "I'm looking for some deodorant for my new husband Jon, but I don't know what type he uses."

The clerk says, "Is it the ball type?"

"No," says Judi, it's for his underarms."

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can go to sleep with a light on.

Q: What's the difference between dark and hard?
A: It stays dark all night.

Q: What's the difference between a wife and a job?
A: After 20 years, the job STILL sucks

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn." About nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said:

"Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turns red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

Two woman were talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood. "But he acts so stupid," said one to the other. "I think he must have his brains between his legs."

"Yeah," her friend sighed, "but I'd sure love to blow his mind."

An Alaskan woodpecker and a Texas woodpecker were in Alaska arguing about which state had the toughest trees to peck. The Alaskan woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker can peck. The Texas woodpecker challenged him and was able to peck a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Alaskan woodpecker was in awe. The Texas woodpecker challenged the Alaskan woodpecker to peck a tree in Texas that no woodpecker has been able to peck successfully. The Alaskan woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it. After flying to Texas and successfully pecking the tree in Texas, the two woodpeckers couldn't figure out why the Texas woodpecker was able to peck the Alaskan tree and the Alaskan woodpecker was able to peck the Texan tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state.

After thinking for some time they both came to the same conclusion: "Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

Perhaps you've heard about the latest heart throb macho movie star. He lost an awful lot of fans after appearing in his first porno film. The ladies were disappointed he had such a small part.

Bob is going to it on the bathroom floor with a wild chick when he grunts, "Spread your legs! Spread your legs! Wider! Wider!"

She says, "What are you trying to do, get your balls in?"

He says, "Hell no, I'm trying to get 'em out!"

"How did the accident happen?" asked the doctor.

"Well," explained the patient, "I was making love to my girlfriend on the living room rug when, all of a sudden, the chandelier came crashing down on us."

"Fortunately, you've only sustained some minor lacerations on your buttocks," the doctor said. "You're a very lucky man."

"You said it, doc," the man replied. "A minute sooner and it would have fractured my skull."

Q. What's the difference between "anxiety" and "panic?"
"Anxiety" is when, for the first time, you can't do it the second time.
"Panic" is when, for the second time, you can't do it the first time.

"Hey, have you ever been to bed with an ugly woman?"

"No, but I've woken up with plenty."

A 13-year-old was watching a movie on cable TV. A man ripped off a woman's blouse and said, "I want what I want when I want it !" The boy, turned on by the scene and the love-making which followed, finished watching the movie, and decided to try what he had just witnessed on the girl next door, a classmate.

He went over to her house, found that her parents weren't home from work yet, and ripped off her blouse; then said, "I want what I want when I want it !"

The girl stared at him and coolly replied�"You'll get what I got when I get it !"

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.

"You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we ought to do with it?"

With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."

Emma was explaining to her husband how much fun they'd had at the beach during her bridge club annual outing. "But," she told him, "it didn't end all that great for me."

"Why, what happened?" he asked.

"Well, I went out to take a swim in the rough water. I didn't go out so far because the waves were very bad, but even so, I suddenly noticed that all the turbulence had caused the lower half of my bathing suit to be snatched off. I looked but it was gone, gone, gone!"

"Well, for goodness sakes, Emma, what did you do?"

"Do? Why I did what any respectable housewife would do. I covered my face and eyes with my hands and ran to the beach house as fast as I could."

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position.

The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Not that well� when I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

Did you hear about the flasher that was thinking about retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year.

What do you call a woman who's allergic to latex?
A mommy

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

This girl is feeling a bit down in the dumps and decides to treat herself to a meal at the Ritz. She manages to get a table that very night and enjoys a delicious meal on her own, nothing too extravagant but nice all the same.

The head waiter brings the bill and she's horrified to see the total: 150 bucks! She didn't expect this at all and asks the waiter "Would you mind holding my breasts while I write the check please?"

The head waiter is taken aback. In all his years in the job he's never been asked that before, but always eager to please the customer, he obliges. She gets up to leave and the waiter is still perplexed.

His curiosity gets the better of him and he catches up with her at the door. "I'm sorry to bother you Miss but I'd like to know why you asked me to do that just now."

"Oh it's quite simple really" she replies "I love to have my breasts held when I'm being screwed!!!"

Two elderly ladies, Sophie and Sadie were visiting in Sadie's beach front condo, in Miami Beach. Sadie asks, "So, what are you doing for excitement these days?"

Sophie replies, "Oh, I watch the soap operas and the talk shows on TV. There's nothing else. How about you? What do you do for excitement?

Sadie answers, "What can one do these days? Once in a while I suck on a LifeSaver. "

Sophie says, "My, my aren't you lucky one�.you live so close to the beach ! "

On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised. While the passengers were unloading, to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear, "Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!"

The driver didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.

Later, that very same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!"

This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon. A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on.

He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him. "Excuse me, sir, could I help you?"

The elderly man looked up and said, "Well, sonny, you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I thought I'd located it twice, but they were parted in the middle, and mine's parted on the side!"

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with�.the other is used to carry groceries.

A woman was looking into an expensive shop window admiring a pair of silver shoes when a bloke sidled up beside her.

"Like the shoes? I'll buy them for you if you come to bed with me."

"Okay. But be warned - I don't like sex very much."

He bought the silver shoes and took her back to his hotel where, once again, she emphasized her lack of enthusiasm. And, indeed, she just lay there motionless not giving him the slightest encouragement. So much so that he was getting bored himself. Whereupon, she suddenly lifted her legs high in the air and

shouted, "WOW!"

"I thought you didn't like sex!" he said with mounting excitement.

"I don't. But I just love these new silver shoes!"

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Indianapolis to Chicago. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

He said that she had. So the stewardess said, "Go tell your mother that Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time."

What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
S&M&M

Two women were sat in the waiting room of a veterinary surgery. "What are you here for?" said the first woman.

The second woman replied: "My cat keeps scratching the furniture, so I'm having it's claws removed."

"And you, what are you here for?" inquired the second woman. "Well, every time I bend over, my dog keeps humping my backside."

The second woman replied: "So you're having him neutered?"

"No," replied the first woman, "I'm having. his claws removed too"!

Get me outa here!!!

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Michael Kadish

"Some programs have been theatrical masterpieces, but all we're seeing is the negative side of nuclear war." -- Barry Goldwater

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