These Are The Jokes FOlks XV
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put 10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
What do you get when you cross Bill Gates and Lassie?
A rich bitch
(Apparently, the following is true. I hope so, but I doubt it.)
A Queensland Radio Station, QFM, were running a competition to find contestants who could come up with words that were not found in any English Dictionary yet could still use these words in a sentence that would make logical sense; the prize being a return trip for two to Bali for a week. The DJ, Sam, had many callers, the following two standing out:
DJ : QFM, what's your name?
Caller: Hi, me name's Dave.
DJ: Dave, what is your word?
Caller: "Gaan" spelled G, A, A, N.
DJ: We are just checking that (pause)... and you are correct Dave, Gaan is certainly a word not found in the English Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali, is: What sentence can you use that in that would make logical sense?
Caller: Gaan f*ck yourself! Ha Ha Ha!
At this point the DJ cuts the caller short and announces that there is no place for that sort of language on a family show.
After many more unsuccessful calls the DJ takes the following caller:
DJ: QFM, what's your name?
Caller: Me name's Jeff.
DJ: Jeff, what is your word?
Caller: "Smee" spelled S, M, E, E.
DJ: We are just checking that (pause)... and you are correct Jeff, Smee is certainly a word not found in the English Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali, is: What sentence can you use that in that would make logical sense?
Caller: Smee again! Gaan f*ck yourself! Ha Ha Ha!
Commercial break:
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A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"
The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."
The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "How do you start a flood?"
What did Davy Crockett say at the Alamo?
"Where the fuck did all these landscapers come from?"
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Did you hear about the guy who's half Polish and half Mexican?
He made a run for the border and forgot where he was going.
yyyyyyyyyy
Q. Well, did you hear about the constipated accountant?
A. He couldn't budget.
Q. Did you hear about the constipated composer?
A. He couldn't finish the last movement.
Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
A. He worked it out with a pencil.
Q. Did you hear about the constipated Wheel of Fortune player?
A. He wanted to buy a bowel.
Q. What about the actor?
A. He worked it out with his director
9 out of 10 constipated people just don't give a shit.
A man is walking late at night and comes across a blonde who is standing under a street light, looking intently down at the street. He says to the blonde, "What are you looking for?"
"My keys," says the blonde.
"Where did you lose them?"
"Over there"
"Why are you looking here?"
"The light is better."
Commercial break:
2 Canadians are sitting around the house bored. One says to the other "Why don't we play 20 questions? I'll think of the first subject." He thinks for a few seconds and comes up with the subject "moose cock". He says, "Ask me the first question."
The 2nd Canadian asks, "Is this something you can eat?"
The 1st thinks for a second and says "I guess you could eat it."
The 2nd Canadian asks, "Is it a moose cock?"
A group of Arab Terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention. More than a hundred lawyers were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced that, unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.
Sven was going for his morning walk one day when he walked past Ole's house and saw a sign that said "Boat For Sale." This confused Sven because he knew that Ole didn't own a boat, so he finally decided to go in and ask Ole about it. "Hey Ole," said Sven, "I noticed da sign in your yard dat says 'Boat For Sale,' but ya don't even have a boat. All ya have is your old John Deere tractor and combine." Ole replied "Yup, and they're boat for sale."
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh horse manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate.
Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much though and could not get off the ground. As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately he was wrong an dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the ground.
The moral to the story is:
Never fly off the handle when you're full of shit.
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Commercial break:
Q: How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A: A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.
Burford lives alone on a remote island. One day as he's riding his horse along the beach he sees a beautiful woman painting the ocean. He rides up and down in front of her, but she doesn't react to him at all.
He says to himself, "I'll paint my horse yellow, and then she'll notice me. She'll say, 'Oh, I see you have a yellow horse.' And I'll get talking to her, and then I'll invite her back to my cabin for lunch, and we'll have a bottle of wine, and then I'll open another bottle and we'll talk some more, and then it'll start to get cold, so I'll light a fire, and we'll be sitting close in front of it...soon we'll gently touch, then kiss, then make beautiful love all night long...yeah, that's what I'll do." So he paints his horse yellow and rides down the beach.
The lady looks up and says, "I see you have a yellow horse."
Burford says, "Yeah. Can I fuck you?"
Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that?
The trooper says, "You're in Alabama, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."
Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here." The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.
The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"
"Just granting your wish."
"What?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that motherfucker would've tried that shit with me.'"
Q. What's the difference between a woman and a battery?
A. A battery has a positive side.
Q: What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
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Michael Kadish
