These are the jokes folks
SEXUALLY OFFENSIVE JOKES
SEXUALLY OFFENSIVE JOKES
A woman wasn't good in bed, and the man immediately tossed her out of his house. She stood outside, naked, begging, pleading to let her back in the house, if for nothing else because she was standing in the street naked. He refused.
"Well, please, at least throw me my clothes?" Again, the guy refused. "Well, please, please, just throw me something that I can cover myself up with." So he threw her one of his old shoes. Embarrassed, she takes the shoe covers up her lower anatomy up, and tries to run home as quickly as possible. But somebody sees her, and he starts snickering and pointing.
"What?" she asks angrily, "Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
"Of course. But never with a man so far deep inside of her."
Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan.
The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately.
They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside. The Head Gangster says "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second Safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too.
Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes. Disappointed the head gangster said "Well, at least they left something for us to eat"
The next day, while listening to the news they hear: "Yesterday the largest sperm bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people".
A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.
After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."
The preacher replied that he was sure it must be in there somewhere, and that he would look for it.
The following week after service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."
Commercial break:
Rolling Stone
Magazine DescriptionRolling Stone is the granddaddy of rock and roll magazines. It serves up the latest news in popular culture, music, celebrities, and politics. Each jam-packed issue includes music, film, and book reviews. With an unabashed eye, the magazine's writers go backstage and report on what's hot and up-and-coming in the music industry. With its musical savvy and humorous tone, Rolling Stone will amuse and edify you.
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle. "Where did you get such a great bike?" asked the first.
The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'"
The first engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
A guy applied to join a nudist club. "Exactly what do you do here?" he asked.
"It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "We take off all our clothes and commune with nature."
"Cool," said the guy, "...count me in!!!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays." A little further along he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays." A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing "Beware of Gays." He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry,... You've had three warnings!"
A fellow was sitting at a bar drinking when a gorgeous blonde came in and sat next to him. After talking and having a few drinks together, the fellow says to her, "How about playing the Magician Game?"
"And what would that be?" answered the blonde.
"We go to my place, have a few drinks, get into bed, have sex and then you disappear."
Commercial break:
Have you heard about the new orgasm pill just approved by the FDA for women?
Why did the husband stop having anal sex with his wife?
Because every night it was the same old shit.
What do lesbians cook for dinner?
They don't cook...they eat out.
A blonde woman strode angrily into the large store and slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction.
The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?"
The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that Pussy Treats are meant for 'cats'?"
This raggedy-assed old nun was walking home from the convent one day, when this man jumps out from the bushes and has his way. Then the man said, "What will you tell the Holy Father now, Sister?"
She says, "I must tell the truth! I will say I was walking home from the convent when a man jumped out from the bushes and raped me twice, unless you're too tired."
What do fat girls and mopeds have in common?
They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you.
A man had this parrot and every time he would bring a girl home, the parrot would say "Someone's gonna get laid tonight!" and the girl would get mad and go home.
The man went back to the pet shop and told what was going on with his parrot and he asked the pet shop owner if he had a female parrot and the pet shop owner said "No, but we have a female owl." The man bought the owl.
Later that night the man brought a girl home and the parrot went off as usual "Someone's gonna get laid tonight!"
The owl said "whoo, whoo?"
The parrot screeched "Not you, you flat-faced-S.O.B".
Commercial break:
Q: If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do you have?
A: Divorce proceedings, most likely.
Q: If you go to bed 9 hours before you have to wake up, and your wife wants to have 2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get?
A: 8 hours, 59 minutes - who cares what she wants?!
The church service was under way and they pasted the collection plate. When the preacher saw a $100.00 bill in the collection plate, he stop the service and announced "who ever put the $100.00 bill in the plate please stand up".
A gay man stood up and said "I did".
The preacher told him "since you put that money in the plate I would like to let you pick out three hymns."
Excitedly, the gay guy said, "Well, I'll take him and him and him."
Jeff and Mike were in an accident, and killed instantly. Upon Jeff's arrival to the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter. "Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked.
St. Peters replies, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven."
Jeff was bothered by this and asked, "Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?" So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down.
There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous sexy blonde in a bikini, and a keg of beer. "I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell." says Jeff.
"It's not as it appears to be." says St. Peter. "You see, the keg has a hole in it...and the blonde doesn't."
An elderly couple met for a romp in the broom closet at a nursing home. They undressed and were about to screw. The woman decided to warn the man of her heart condition. "I should tell you, I have acute angina," she said.
The man replied, "that's good because you have the ugliest breasts I have ever seen!"
Q. Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A. She kept having affairs with men
Commercial break:
Q. What's a hobosexual?
A. A bum fuck.
Did you hear about the two gay judges that tried each other?
A middle aged man comes homes unexpectedly one afternoon. He hears noises in the bedroom upstairs, so he goes up to investigate.
He finds his live-in girlfriend packing her suitcases, and very angry. He says, " What is the matter honey ? "
The girl replies, " I'm leaving you forever ! "
"But why sweetheart ? " the unhappy man says.
"Because I found out that you are a pedophile ! ", she says angrily.
He replies, "My, my, darling....that's a pretty big word for a 10 year old.
![[Back to homepage]](http://www.geocities.com/CollegePark/Field/bagduy4/awomanw.gif) Get me outa here!!! |
![[The previous entry...]](http://www.geocities.com/CollegePark/Field/bagduy4/manwasn.jpg) Wanna read the last story? |
![[Or, the previous set, which were jokes...]](http://www.geocities.com/CollegePark/Field/bagduy4/anwasn.gif) This is the last set of jokes. |
| ![[Next (set jokes)]](http://www.geocities.com/CollegePark/Field/bagduy4/nwasntg.gif) Wanna read the next set of jokes? |
![[Next real story]](http://www.geocities.com/CollegePark/Field/bagduy4/wasntg.jpg) Wanna read the next non-joke entry? |
![[previous entry]](http://www.geocities.com/CollegePark/Field/bagduy4/womanw.jpg) Take me back to the list |
Michael Kadish
