Alliya

Warning--This will be better understood if you are Jewish.

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It hasn't actually been happening since I came to Beer Sheva, but for most of my stay in this country it seems to have been sponsored by the Chamber of Commerce. Everywhere we turned, "make alliya, make alliya." (Alliya in Hebrew means ascent, and since Israel is considered the highest spiritual place, you always move UP to Israel, thus, "alliya.")

It went on so much, that I was actually eventually able to have come backs. They may not be as good as Mad's Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions, but it's something.

"Every Jew should feel a need to move here."

"Congrats. You just gave me my first reason to not want to be Jewish."

"We need every Jew to move here."

"Why? You need more factions?"

"This is the best country in the world."

"Of course. ^It's run very effecintly^ by the mafias."

"The Jewish population in the Geula (land that is not Israel.) is dying out. By 2020, the majority of the Jews will be here."

"So they need my help"

"The torah commands you to come here and settle the land."

"Actually, it says that if I support, but live outside of it, it's ok."

"The mishna says that anybody living outside of Israel is an athiest\idol worshipper."

First) "The rabbis in the Gemorah...who lived in Babylonia, what did they think about this?"

Second) "Then I'm gonna have a real bummer of a time making alliya, if I don't believe in Judiasm."

Commercial break:

OK, we now return...

"The news sensationalizes it. You have better chances of getting killed in a car wreck than an act of terrorism."

"This makes me feel safer? I've seen Israeli drivers."

"We need you."

Well, that one just gets a strange look.

"This is the country where all different types of Jews live in harmony."

That one gets an even stranger one.

"Wouldn't you rather raise your children here?"

I explain to them my Groucho Marxesque-women thing.

"What would it take you to move here?"

"How bout getting the guys out of Lebanon, and a Kmart..."

The other one was best phrased by another kid at the yeshiva, who told me when I had informed him that I (or so I thought) would be returning to the states shortly. Looking me straight in the eyes, he tells me, "I hope you don't have another Holocaust in America."

"I hope those Iranian nukes don't fly any time soon."

I really do not hate this country. It's not so bad. Israel vs. say Mexico, Israel wins. Israel vs. S.Africa, Israel wins. But, they are so adamant on this, though. The last one, the Holocaust threat is a common one, and seems to be the trump card. America is often described as a preThird Riech Germany just waiting for a Hitler to come around. When I try to explain that Buchanan or Jackson have about as much chance of winning the presidency as Arlin Spector or Paul Simon, they click their tongues, and either give me a, "that's what they thought..." or a "you never know, do you. Are you so sure of this?"

Commercial break:
Gift Center: Calendars
OK, we now return...

So far I've heard various ways in which America will get in a position to elect a Hitler. These include:

1) Farrakkan will be killed, the Jew will be blamed, and everybody will agree with his view.

2) In the next election, the republican opposition will mention Monica, "and people of her type."

3) Another version of the Crown Heights riots.

4) The record high stock market will fall, and the Jews'll be blamed.

5) The millenium bug will cause huge financial disasters, causing everybody to blame the Jews.

6) A new form of The Elders of Zion will be written, causing national panic, and the news magazine shows will fall for it.

etc.

Look, if my life doesn't work out back home, I'd consider restarting here. But the whole time I was either in the BA program, or in the yeshiva, it was rammed down my throat.. Thank God I hear almost none of it anymore, but I still think the whole thing was way too annoying.
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

Get me outa here!!!

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Michael Kadish

"Some programs have been theatrical masterpieces, but all we're seeing is the negative side of nuclear war." -- Barry Goldwater
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