These Are the Jokes Folks XIII
Clean Jokes

In his backyard one day, a man was surprised to find a gorilla in his tree. So, he went into the house, got out the phonebook, and looked in the yellow pages for a gorilla removing service.

A serviceman showed up with a stick, a pair of handcuffs, a Chihuahua, and a shotgun.

"Now, listen carefully," said the professional gorilla remover. "I'm going to climb in the tree, and prod the gorilla, until he falls. The Chihuahua is trained to go up, and bite his crotch. When the gorilla puts his hands down to cover himself, cuff him."

"Got it. But, what about the shotgun?"

"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the stupid dog."

A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other at a particularly boring seminar, and started talking to each other. "Tell me, Rabbi. Just between us holy men, I want to know something. Your religion forbids you the consumption of pig...again, just between the two of us, have you ever tried it?"

The Rabbi thought for a second, and nodded that he had. Content, the Priest smiled and relaxed back in his seat. After a while, the Rabbi nudged the priest. "Well, in your religion, you Priests are supposed to remain abstinent. Just between us men of the cloth, tell me, have you ever...broken that vow?"

The priest was aghast. "Of course not!"

The Rabbi stopped for a second, and looked genuinely surprised. "Father, it's a lot better than pork!"

Joseph Schwartz, a career criminal, was wanted for looting in Israel's port city, Haifa. On the A.P.B. Wanted fax, he was described as the son of an ex-nun from Spain & a German father. It went on to include the info that he was a musician adept at piccolo and often worked as a farmhand.
IN OTHER WORDS...He was a Haifa lootin' , flutin' Teuton son of a nun from Barcelona, part time plowboy Joe......

Is an Archeologist a person whose career lies in ruins?
What did the Egyptian boy king's mom say to his dad? We have Tut in common.
The Egyptian kings' favorite song was .... "Pharoah, Pharoah Away."
The Egyptian queen loved listening for the .... Cleopatterer of little feet.
Their favorite flower was the .... chrysanthemummy.
Their favorite bandleader was Sammy Kaye--remember him? .... Sphinx & Sway?
Did country western artists of ancient Egypt play in .... Ankhy Tankhs?
Did uptight ancient Egyptians suffer from .... Ankhst?
If the eye of Horus was on jewelery would it be ... an Ankhlet?
Are Egyptian faucets made of brass, iron or a .... non-pharoahs metal?
Don't stop me now .... I'm on a pharaohll
Were stories about great Egyptian warriors written in Hero-glyphics?
If the Egyptians had chased Moses across the river instead of the sea, would they have been .... anileated?
Did crooked Egyptian businessmen run .... Pyramid schemes?
When the old bus broke down, thy had to buy .... Anubus.
But the leader got to ride a .... Horus.
Epites, turn on the fan .... Imhotep.
Do you want your meat cooked or .... Ra?
The ancient Egyptians were so advanced that they had their own stationery stores. They were called .... . Papy "R" Us.
The back of an Egyptian car is a .... cartouche.
If Tiff is gonna go with a Cleopatra theme in that bathroom, she needs to put new locks on the door so .... someone doesn't barge in on her.
When her sorrow became more than she could Bayer, What pain killer would Cleopatra try to overdose on? .... ASPirin.
If she is going to do the remodeling in her own bathroom, will that make her the .... "Queen of de-tile?"
If the the queen of denial murdered her own mother and father, would that be considered .... Cleopatricide?
When the ruler of ancient Egypt called a press conference, was it held in.... the Pharoah's garden?
If you throw out your back while building pyramids, should you see ... a Cairopractor?
Did you hear about the Pharoah who went to the vet to get his cats ... sphynxed?
What was so bad when the Egyptians had a plague of darkness? Couldn't they turn on the Israelites?
What about that famous Egyptian singer, Paul Ankha?
What if they merged with the Anglicans? Would they be Ankhlo Saxons?

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!."

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.

As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.

"$500 for three questions", replied the lawyer.

"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.

"Yes," the lawyer replied, " and what was your third question?"

A burglar breaks into a dark house. He's loading his bag with goodies, when suddenly a voice from he dark says: "Jesus is watching you!" The guy freezes in his tracks, listens. Hearing nothing he resumes looting the place. Then the voice comes again: "Jesus is watching you!" The burglar pulls out his flashlight and looks around. No one.

"Who the hell is this?" he asks. "Moses," comes the voice.

He turns the flashlight and spots a parrot. "You Moses?"

"Yup."

The burglar chuckles. "What kind of idiot names a parrot Moses?"

"The same kind of idiot that names his Doberman Jesus."

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and ask if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc.

She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

She arrives in front of God and asks. "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years.

God replies, "I didn't recognize you."

There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not.

As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter himself who greeted him in a firm embrace. "Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man throughout your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and you are granted free access to all parts of heaven.

"You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion, meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father, without prior appointment.

"Is there anything else which your holiness desires?"

"Well yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversation between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming of memories over time."

Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the Heavenly Library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of man's relationship with God.

Two years went by when a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library. Immediately several of the Saints and Angels came running. There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on the parchment, repeating over and over.........

"There's an 'R'!!, there's an 'R'!! --- it's celebrate, not celibate!"

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife said, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies two in the front seat and three in the back wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Generally, he was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the heck is taking so long? Hit the ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

His partner ponders this for a moment, and then replies, "Forget it man, you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his car. "I've circled this block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses." When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled this block for 20 years and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

Quasimodo dies, and the owner of the tower in Notre Dame has to find a new bell ringer. Applicant after applicant tries, but none can come close to the sound produced by the hunched back predecessor. Finally, this short man, with no arms, and with an overly large head applies.

"How are you going to ring the bell when you are without arms?"

"Watch." He backs up to one end of the tower, bangs his oversized head into the bell, and a beautiful, long lasting ring emerges.

"Fine, you're hired."

And so it went, day after day, year after year. The man rang the bell perfectly, though probably whilst sustaining incredible headaches, and was exact to the minute.

Years later, there was a problem with the bell. He hit and hit, but the bell would just not move. Finally, he took a running start, and smacked his head as hard as he possibly could against the bell, finally moving it. But he hit it so hard, that as the bell bounced back, it hit him with such force that he fell from the bell tower to his death.

The people of the town quickly found this deformed corpse, but like with the predecessor, who had at least been lucky enough to be alive at the time, nobody recognized the body, or had even heard of the man. They asked around the town, trying to find anybody who knew anything.

Finally they found the old man who had hired him, and asked if he could identify the deceased. "Gee, I'm really not sure. But his face rings a bell."

A pig and chicken were walking down the street when they came across some people who were hungry and living in the street. The chicken said to the pig, "why don't we help these people. We could give them ham and eggs and they won't go hungry."

The pig thinks for a second and says, "that would be okay but for one thing, for you its a simple gesture, for me it's a total commitment."

Man walks up to the counter at the airport. The agent asks if he can help the man. The man says, I want a round trip ticket. The agent asks - Where to?

The man responds - Right back to here.

Q. How many Microsoft phone help technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Please hold, your call is important to us

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a throw on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards

The Custodians of America were in a hiring frenzy because their work was really picking up.
The Balloon Makers formed a union because their work was rapidly expanding.
The Fortune Tellers did not form a union because it became crystal clear that there was no future in it.
The Magicians were worried and did not form a union because of concern that their work was just an illusion, and would soon vanish.
The Electricians union took charge and sent the Teamsters Union packing. (At least that is the current situation due to an alternating view.)
The Icecream Makers discovered that their union had a hiring freeze.
The Meat Packers Union found that government gave them the cold shoulder.
The Breadmakers could not rise to the occasion and were given an absolutely raw deal.
War recently broke out among the windows installers association, causing a real pane... Until they had a major break through that was a shattering success.
The painters union was all primed for a strike but was rolled right over by the floor covering union that laid down the law because they were stretched tight.
The Professional Bowlers Association did go an a major strike, but were split on the issues.
The Professional Wrestlers wanted to form a union because they felt they were being pinned by those holding them down, and they did not want to be counted out...

Get me outa here!!!

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Take me back to the list

---

Michael Kadish

"Some programs have been theatrical masterpieces, but all we're seeing is the negative side of nuclear war." -- Barry Goldwater

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