These Are the Jokes Folks XII

A rabbi and an Egged bus driver die on the same day, at the same time. When they both went up to heaven, the two were shown to the houses where they would live for eternity. The Rabbi went into his, and was a bit surprised that it wasn't all that great. It wasn't horrible, but it was dank, dark, and had somewhat of an odor. There were few luxuries, and it was questionable if it was really any better than the house he had meagerly given himself on earth, when he instead gave most of his money to tzedakah.

The Rabbi decided to see what the Egged driver was now living in. To his surprise, when he walked into the driver's house, he saw this very plush, very fancy, illuminated house. In the den, when he walked in, he saw the gleaming chandelier sparkling over a grand piano, on a thick carpet. To the side was the driver lying down on a velvet sofa, with dozens of beautiful maids waiting on his every move and need.

Not so much out of jealousy, but out of curiosity, the Rabbi called over an angel. "I don't understand. I lived a righteous life. I did what I was supposed to. I was a respected Rabbi. Every day, for my minyanim, I had at least twenty people at my shul to say shema, and because of me, every one of them became a baal teshuva. Why do I get such shabby treatment compared to the bus driver over there?"

The angel looked at the records. "Well, you may have gotten over twenty people a day to say shema from your work, but according to our numbers here, this man was responsible for almost one hundred different people saying shema every second when he worked."

Short summary of every Jewish Holiday:
They tried to kill us...we won...let's eat!

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, 'Lady, I haven't eaten in three days.

'Force yourself,' she replied.

Did you hear that Al Italia and El Al were merging to form a new airline?
It's called "Well I'll tell ya.

A para-medic carries a first aid kit..and a doctor carries a medical kit...
then what does a mohel carry ? A briss-kit!!!!!

Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai so he sent out a declaration throughout the country that he was searching for one. A year passed and only 3 people showed up: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai. The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come inand demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box and out pops a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces. The emperor exclaimed:

"That is very impressive!" The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate. The Chinese Samurai also opened a match boxand out pops a fly. Whoosh whoosh goes his sword. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces. The emperor exclaimed: "That is really very impressive!" The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. His flashing sword goes whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around. The emperor, obviously disappointed, asks: "After all of that, why is the fly not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai smiled, "If you look closely, you'll see that the fly has been circumcised!

German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fibre net.

Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing...

...They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones...

A journalist was assigned to the Jerusalem bureau of his newspaper. He got an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. After several weeks he realized that whenever he looked at the wall he saw this old Jew praying vigorously. The journalist wondered whether there was a publishable story here.

He went down to the wall, introduced himself and said: "You come every day to the wall. What are you praying for?"

The old Jew replies: "What am I praying for? In the morning I pray for world peace, then I pray for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a glass of tea, and I come back to the wall to pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."

The journalist is taken by the old Jew's sincerity and persistence. "You mean you have been coming to the wall to pray every day for these things?" The old Jew nods. "How long have you been coming to the wall to pray for these things?" The old Jew becomes reflective and then replies: "How long? Maybe twenty, twenty five years."

The journalist is flabbergasted. "You mean you have been coming to the wall for every day for all those years to pray for these things?" The old Jew nods.

The amazed journalist finally asks: "How does it feel to come and pray every day for over many years for these things?"

The old Jew replies: "How does it feel? It feels like I'm talking to a wall."

O'Brien loved to play golf and would go out alone to a course and pair up with any group that needed a fourth. One day he went to his favorite course and the pro said, "I'm sorry O'Brien, but the only group I can put you with is one with three Chassidic rabbis."

O'Brien says, "That's fine with me."

He joins the group and tees off. His shot is about 200 yards out and off to the right rough. Reb Moshe tees off 300 yards straight out into the middle of the fairway. Reb Yitzchak's shot is about 290 and Reb Yaacov's is 300, but slightly off center. O'Brien has trouble with getting out of the rough and four-putts, while the rabbis' approach shots are right on the pin, they two-putt for par.

The rest of the round is the same, with the rabbi's scores either par or under par, while O'Brien has a 95. He says to them, "You guys must play and practice all the time."

Reb Yitzchak says, "No, we study all the time and only play once a week. But,on our Sabbath, while we are in Shul, we say a prayer asking God to give us one good round of golf each week."

O'Brien is so impressed that he goes home and tells his wife that they are converting. They study, convert, join a Shul, and go to services every Shabbat.

About a year later, O'Brien runs into the threesome at the same course and they invite him to play with them. The game is exactly like last year's. O'Brien is doing nothing right, and the three are perfect. At the end, O'Brien says to the rabbis, "I don't understand it. I converted, joined a Shul, and pray every week."

Reb Moshe says, "You joined a Shul? Which one?"

O'Brien says, "Beth El."

Reb Moshe says, "No, no, no! Beth El is for TENNIS!"

During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting.

The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up...

The rabbi,educated as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn't know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98 year old man, who was one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation.

The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?" The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."

The one whose followers sat asked, "Is the tradition to sit during Shema?" The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."

"But", the rabbi said to the old man,"the congregants fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether....."

The old man interrupted, exclaiming.... "THAT is the tradition!"

What would happen if Jewish religious law (halacha) decided that smoking was forbidden?

The Reform Jews would continue smoking as usual.

The Conservative rabbis would stop smoking, but their congregations would continue as usual.

The Orthodox would sell their lungs to a non-Jew.

The Hashomer Hatza'ir kibbutzim would start growing tobacco.

Father O'Reilly stood on the church steps and called for all the boys playing in the street to stop what they were doing and gather around. He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a dollar bill.

"Now boys", he said. "The first one who can tell me who the greatest man who ever lived gets this dollar"

"Thomas Edison!", shouts one boy.

"No", says the priest.

"Martin Luther King", says another.

"No.", says the priest.

Then, from way in back, a voice rings out "Jesus Christ!".

"That's right!", smiles the priest."You get the dollar."

The little boy comes forward to get his dollar and stuffs it in his pocket.

"Wait a second.",says the priest."You're David Goldberg aren't you?"

"Yes father.", says the boy.

"Aren't you jewish?"

"Yes father."

"The why did you say that Jesus Christ was the greatest man who ever lived?"

"Well father, between you and me, I know that Moses was the greatest, but business is business."

A lady went down for breakfast in her Miami Beach hotel. She noticed another lady and went to speak to her. "Hello, my dear, you're not from around here?", she asked.

"No", replied the second, "I'm from Mars."

Asked the first lady, "Mars? Do all Martian ladies have green skin as you do?"

"Yes, all Martian ladies have green skin like mine".

"And do all Martian ladies have 3 eyes as you do?"

"Yes, all Martian ladies have 3 eyes like me".

"And do all Martian ladies have 6 fingers on each hand as you do?"

"Yes, all Martian ladies have 6 fingers on each hand like I do"

"And do all Martian ladies have so many diamonds?"

"No...not the goyim!"

An American in Israel has to get change, so he goes in to a store, and in his best Hebrew asked, "�����, �� �� ���� ������?" [Slicha, yesh lecha odef lematayim?] (Excuse me, but do you have change for a two-hundred shekel bill?)

"��, ��� �������." [ah, atah Amerikayi.] (Oh, you're an American.)

Hurt, the American asked if it was because of his accent. He was assured that it wasn't. Was it because only an American would have a two hundred shekel bill? No. "�� ��� ��� ����?" [Oz eich ata yadata?] (So how did you know?)

" ''����� ���� �" [Biglal ha 'slicha'] (Because of the 'excuse me')

Get me outa here!!!

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---

Michael Kadish

"Whenever I hear the word culture, I reach for my revolver." -- Shlageter, by Hanns Johst. Falsely attributed to Hermann Goering

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