Lake Placid ()

Cast:

Bill "This will be our INDEPENDENCE DAY" Pullman is Game and Fish Agent Jack Wells
Bridget Fonda is Kelly Scott
Oliver "Didn't realize Ready to Rumble would be so bad" Platt is Hector Cyr
Betty "Most foul-mouthed senior citizen ever" White is Mrs. Bickerman

What the box says:

Bill Pullman (Independence Day), Bridget Fonda (Kiss of the Dragon) and Oliver Platt (Don't Say a Word) share an appetite for sheer adventure when a tranquil New England lakefront erupts into an action-packed den of destruction.

An investigative team, armed with state-of-the-art equipment, high-powered weaponry and a biting sense of sarcasm, must work together to defeat Black Lake's most ferious resident:a 30-foot prehistoric crocodile! Betty White co-stars as the cantakerous Mrs. Bickerman a tole you you've got hear to believe - in this terrifying tale of survival that "combines humor and thrills with remarkable deftness." (New York Times)

Plot:

At a lake, a game and fish diver is talking with Sheriff Keogh on the boat before diving in. A cheap scare or 2 later, ominous music plays as �it� gets the diver.

While trying to surface, he starts screaming. The Sheriff tries to pull him in the boat but only gets the top half.

In New York City, Kelly Scott, paleontologist, is panicking. Her boyfriend also her boss has broken up with her to start dating her friend Myra.

Back in Maine, the manly Jack Wells arrives to aid Sheriff Keogh in discovering what killed the diver.

Back in NYC, Kevin wants to send Kelly to Maine to investigate a tooth. While the idea of just getting rid of her to calm down after the breakup ensues, Kelly swears a KLINGON Blood oath about not going.

Well, she�s in a small plane heading to Maine. She meets with the Sheriff. In the morgue, she inspects the tooth and realizes it is reptilian and not a fossil. The extra tough chick from the city almost gets sick seeing the mutilated body of the diver.

Keogh is going to take Kelly to the lake when she meets Jack Wells. Let the sarcasm fly and let it be chased with irony.

All of them meet Mrs. Bickerman the only person who lives on the edge of the lake. The good Mrs. Bickerman admits to killing her husband. Hit him in the head with a frying pan and buried the body a couple of years ago.

The threesome is on the lake. Kelly rages at the mere notion of camping before finding a moose head.

The tents are set up. More charming Kelly-Jack Wells banter ensues. Suddenly, a helicopter flies in.

Kelly tells Keogh and Jack about Hector Cyr, rich mythology professor who swims with crocodiles. As soon as he lands, Hector starts barking orders at everyone. He believes a crocodile is in the lake.

In the lake, Hector and Keogh are in a canoe and Jack and Kelly are in the other one. Sonar scanning ensues when the canoe flips.

Kelly calls her boss who doesn�t believe the report.

A deputy finds a severed human tow. Jack is sure it is a crocodile.

Later, Sheriff Keogh finds his deputies setting up traps for Hector who happens to be throwing a party. Loud noises seem to draw the crocodile

Jack keeps asking why Kelly is out here in the woods. She finally tells him about her breakup with her boyfriend who sent her to Maine and how she�s staying.

Night, Keogh answers the call of the wild when a cheap scare ensues. Keogh is caught in one of Hector�s traps. After getting out of it, the good Sheriff is about to shoot him.

All are on the boat the next day. Jack and Hector will dive. Underwater searching fu begins.

Kelly, Keogh, and a deputy are still on the boat when it begins to be dragged by its anchor line. Kelly falls into the lake. They get her back in the boat right before another cheap scare. Jack surfaces and pull Hector in, too. The deputy tries to pull the speaker out of the water when something bites his head off.

The deputy�s body is taken off. Apparently, nobody saw what bit the guys head off. Some slow moments ensue. Keogh gets caught in another trap and chases after Hector as a bear shows up.

Suddenly, the crocodile surfaces and bites the head off the grizzly.

Studying crocodiles. Keogh offers the simple solution. Find it and blow it away. Hector gets so mad he lets Keogh take a swing at him which the good Sheriff delivers with much authority.

Kelly and Jack have a touching moment like ripping your tonsils out with rusty pliers.

Hector and Keogh are watching crocodile videos.

The next day, all are searching around the lake. Hector and lady deputy take off in the chopper and land on the lake.

Kelly and Jack makes mucilage of the crocodile tracks and find a severed human head. Jack spots Mrs. Bickerman leading a cow to the lake where the crocodile is waiting.

Sorry, ma'am only alligators live in sewers

The group questions Mrs. Bickerman about the crocodile and how she�s been feeding it for the past 6 years. The crocodile killed Bickerman�s husband.

Elsewhere, Hector wants to dive into the crocodile�s lair. The lady deputy is starting to get awfully freaked out by all of this.

Angry and foulmouthed Betty White ensues. Lady Deputy calls the Sheriff about Hector.

A surfaced Hector spots the crocodile behind him. Slowly heading to the chopper, a distraction gets Hector back into the chopper. However, the crocodile has a tasty snack of pontoon.

Jack wants to ground Hector from the entire mission. The rich and lunatic mythology professor storms away.

Kelly talks with Hector and tries convincing her they must save this 30 foot 150 year old crocodile.

Hector convinces Jack of his plan to capture the crocodile.

The plan is to fly one of Bickerman�s cows over the lake to lure the crocodile out. All the deputies have tranquilizer guns. Hector lowers the com into the lake repeatedly.

How to take a cow for a swim.

Night, the crocodile finally is spotted. The chopper crashes in the lake close to the shore. Hector falls into the lake.

The crocodile heads for the Sheriff. On land, the cop truck pulls out. Kelly falls off when the crocodile chases after her, she swims underwater. Jack Wells revolver fu ensues.

Underwater Bridget Fonda fu. She finally gets close to Hector.

The crocodile attacks the chopper. Hector and Kelly get to shore.

Keogh is about to open fire. The crocodile it trapped in the chopper when the trank drugs start to take effect. Jack tells the sheriff to open fire. Jack grabs a gun and puts another trank into it.

suddenly, a smaller crocodile surfaces and bites Hector. Keogh caps it.

The federal animal control officers arrive.

The crocodile is taken off. Mrs. Bickerman didn�t mention the second one for fear of it being killed.

Hector is taken to the hospital. Keogh goes with him.

Kelly and Jack have a painful goodbye and head off to a bar.

Next day, Mrs. Bickerman goes to the dock to the lake and feeds several baby crocodiles.

The drugged crocodile is on the back of a semi going down the road.

What I say:

First off, if you want to see any giant reptiles attacking people. Try Alligator. It still is not yet actually on DVD which is a serious crime. With as many years since I've seen it, I know it is several light years and dimensions better than Lake Placid. I'd rather remember Alligator from watching it in the drive-in when I was a kid or the huge number of times it used to be aired on ABC during primetime.

Most of my reviewable movies are ones I buy for the specific purpose of reviewing. Occasionally, I'd borrow a movie from a friend like Slave of the Cannibal God. Morning breakfast led me to this movie. Sure, I had seen Lake Placid floating in the Wal-Mart bargain bins for $5.50. The price seemed too high for all the bad things I had heard about it. Well, morning breakfast cereal had send in 5 certificates and receive a free DVD. Got it that way, the movie may not have a keepcase. But, is that important for such a movie as Lake Placid?

Bridget Fonda would get my vote for most deserving of a slow painful death. When your main character has only 2 characteristics which are complaining about how everything in the woods is in backwoods and obviously being superior because of living in the "big city," you wouldn't mind for her to be slowly munched into fine pieces. However, Bridget was great in the Replacement Killers and Mimic. Sorry, Mira Sorvino was in Mimic and the Replacement Killers. Those blonde actresses do almost seem completely interchangeable. Mira is hot and been ina few cool movies. However, I can't think of any movie with Bridget Fonda I enjoyed.

Oliver Platt was a close second in the most deserving to be slowly digested by a large monster. At least, the sheriff got to punch him a couple of times...Normally, anyone that smug and arrogant automatically gets the "congratulations, you died a horrible death" card. The fact that he managed to survive is almost a miracle for this kind of movie. Except, the annoying characters must live to be a surprise.

Bill Pullman almost was as nonexistant an entity as Bill Paxton's personality in Twister (shoud have used comnputer graphics to superimpose some personality characteristics onto him...) I probably should keep from rambling on Paxton screaming "Game over, man" in Aliens and just keep rambling on about people who's good names shouldn't be smeared with Lake Placid-taint. Back to Pullman, I'm sure he's hoping for a sequel to Independence Day. He does seem like the kind of normal guy as a wildlife officer.

I know it may be considered insulting. There can't be many scientists that look that hot in real life as movies portray scientists as being blonde actresses. Here's a short list off the top of my head. Denise Richards as a nuclear physicist. Tara Reid as some sort of scientist. Penelope Ann Miller as an evolutionary biologist. I can't think of any movie female scientist that looked plain.

Shouldn't a movie about a killer crocodile have at least a few bodies? 2 people killed is quite a low body count for a horror movie. Gore isn't a requirement. Shouldn't a giant crocodile eat people? IF not what is the point of the movie? Even the "self-referential" horror movies have the decency for more kills. I have to exclude the grizzly and the moose bits though they were slightly funny.

The fact that when any character asked a logical question, either of the deserving "educated" lunchmeats would respond with their high superiority and still wouldn't answer it like the "how did a crocodile swim from Asia to Maine?" I must have missed taking a college class in "automatic educational superiority over everyone else." Well refusing to answer logical questions sure keeps from providing the answers. What would have been wrong with a rumor of a ship sinking in the ocean near the mouth of a river and a rumor of a large creature (crocodile) appearing here and there until reaching the lake that was recently dammed off from the river.

Betty White's profane and truly foulmouthed little old lady in this movie. Cussing old folk doesn't really become automatically hilarious or even somewhat funny. Too many people have forgotten that modified "4 letter" words aren't really that funny just spewed about on their own. Proper cussing requires skill and a certain deftness to be applied. Tommy, your foulmouthed cousin can use enough F-bombs to embarrass Chris Rock but not make him a tenth as funny.

Moviemakers seem to love to portray anyone who lives in a rural town as obviously braindead and not as intelligent as the "cityfolk." Well, that has to be part of why us in small towns have the idea of city dwellers as living in vast urban crime-laden wastelands. Neither idea is right. However, justification is a great excuse to insult and demean who have slighted you. Thus sends my small bit on human psychology.

How anyone could think releasing an 82 minute long movie to theaters was a good idea is a mystery? If you can think of a movie that short airing in a theater, it will be a cartoon. Most of the brain dead comedies are at least 90 minutes. An 82 minute movie would have at least 5 or 6 minutes of credits that would pare the movie down to just a little over an hour and ten minutes. That is about the length of objective run time Manos: Hands of Fate not the subjective time.

So many of the lines try to be witty but fall flat. I get the feeling that David E. Kelley (who I respect for getting to pork Michelle Phieffer on a regular basis) just threw together about the most generic killer animal movie that comes to mind even with the number of direct to video and Sci-Fi channel movies of killer animals at a lake. The typical "he was taller" line when finding a body part. How about when Bridget Fonda freaks out by having severed heads thrown at her? Keep thinking that most of the script was more derivative than the first chapter in a Calculus book. Sorry, I must use bad math jokes every so often which means I've run out of things to write...

Quotable Dialogue
"A whole saracastic sentence."
"Incomplete records haunt me so."
"Don't throw heads at me."
"You're a saucy flirt."
"He belives they're divine conduits."
"Oh, could she stay? We were, we were hoping to mate..."
"You can't take a cow by emininent domain."
"Is it a crime to wish the chewing of law enforcement?"
Morals of the Story
Cops love the Partridge Family.
Bears are considered an underwater species.
Beavers are capable of eating divers.
Crocodiles and grizzly bears are natural enemies.
Crocodiles and men are natural enemies.
Mythology professors always carry enough drugs to knock out 30 foot crocdiles.