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CURMUDGEON, n. Derived by the mismating of proper words. See. Cur, n. A dog the parentage of which is in question. + Mud, n. That which is slung. In India, the hand-formed cow-patty from local Brahma cattle, made to stick to upright structures in hopes that it will sometimes be useful in making fire. + dgeon, n. A variant of dudgeon. To take umbrage.
Accordingly, a Curmudgeon is a bastard, who spends time slinging shit,
hoping to offend others. Curmudgeon is the title given to oneself in self
recognition that he or she alone possesses an acerbic wit and superior
intelligence.
To paraphrase Karl Marx, "He only hears his own voice, knows
that he only hears his own voice, yet persists in the delusion that he
hears the voice of the people and in turn demands of the people that they
should persist in this delusion."
Other views of curmudgeons:
" Mahatma Gandhi had his moments. Someone once asked Gandhi what he thought
of Western civilization, and Gandhi replied, "I think it would be a good
idea."
Earlier this century Clarence Darrow once said, "When I was a boy I
was told that anybody could become President; and I'm beginning to believe
it."
Robert Oppenheimer once opined that "The optimist thinks this is the
best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist knows it."
Similarly Don Marquis "An optimist
is a man who has never had much experience."
A curmudgeon is like a sumo
wrestler: it takes a long time and a lot of abuse to create one." (1)
Perhaps the two best-known current-day practitioners of this art are,
William Buckley and Andy Rooney. You sense the drift, today's
curmudgeon is a toothless, over-age, fat-cat striving to amuse; tweaking and
twiddling people and events rather than actually offending anyone.
ICONOCLAST, n. "A breaker of idols, the worshipers whereof are imperfectly gratified by the performance, and most strenuously protest that he unbuildeth but doth not re-edify, that he pulleth down but not up. For the poor things would have other idols in place of those he thwacketh upon the mazzard and dispelleth. But the iconoclast saith; "Ye shall have none at all, for ye need them not; and if the rebuilder fooleth round hereabout, behold I will depress the head of him and sit thereon till he squawk it.""(2)
An iconoclast is deservingly given the title reflecting the appreciation of the people. His commitment to the breaking of idols shields them from the consequence had they been so inspired.
SCOLD, n. A common scold is a habitually rude and brawling woman whose conduct is subject to punishment as a public nuisance. Phineas T. Barnum said, " I have seen some fearful things in my day - some awful explosions of tempestuous passion, but never have I witnessed such another terrible tempest of fury".
The scolds of this world are the result of a cross between an iconoclast and a curmudgeon. Scolds are always women. Known for their sharp tongues and wit, a commitment to their cause (whatever it may be) these Anne Newport Royalls of the world can be found bringing along their soapbox to the single issue that separates them from the rest. The world may be going to hell in a basket but they can ignore it all. No one is better representative of this class than Senator Barbara Mikulski. Baltimore can do no better. She's short, dumpy, overweight, and Polish, a fearsome sight. You gotta love her!
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Molly Ivins, a lady (?) in Texas and not of Texas, writes editorials that appear more frequently than they deserve. Most of the time her diatribes from Austin can be ignored as just so much blather, however, at times she reveals her true colors with her attacks. In a piece entitled; "Profits aren't everything." she wrote; "For years, I have aspired to become a curmudgeon. H. L. Mencken, Murray Kempton, Maury Maverick Jr., Bob Sherrill - with role models like these, what else would I ever want to be when I grow up?"
Really! None of these are/were curmudgeons! The three whose names are perhaps unfamiliar to most are COMMUNIST, pure and simple. Maverick defended anti-Vietnam draft dodgers in the 60's, having earned his stripes defending Communist during the 1950's. Robert Sherrill, a writer for The Nation admits that his ideals find support in the writings of Marx as he attacks capitalism. And, James Kempton's involvement with the Communist Party continued as he worked as a fund raiser for the Black Panthers.
Small wonder we find Molly Ivins frequently attacking Capitalism, she's a closet Communist and certainly not an iconoclast or a curmudgeon.
It's sad she includes H. L. Mencken with this motley bunch. He was an iconoclast of the same school as William Cowper Brann (a Texas editor whose writings are captured in the twelve volume set, The Works of Brann, The Iconoclast, which was published by his wife after his death in a duel in Waco, Texas. He was shot in the back. Some duel.) Mencken would surely roll over in his grave to discover that Ivins plays so loose with his reputation.
If Communist appears too hard a word to swallow, then perhaps Apostate can be used. These "heros" of Ivins certainly can be seen as persons who are renegades or traitors being unfaithful to religion, faith, political party, principles or their country.
COMMUNISM, n. A philosophy of entitlements where you give me all that is yours, I add it to that which is mine and perhaps some time in the future, I may distribute what remains (after I take my pension) to all; dependent upon their needs, not their ability.
APOSTATE, n. A leech who, having penetrated the shell of a turtle only to find that the creature has long been dead, deems it expedient to form a new attachment to a fresh turtle. (2)
So if Ivins can't be an iconoclast, a curmudgeon, or a scold and if communist or apostate are too harsh terms to describe her, what is she? She remains in that class of sub-humans called humbugs.
HUMBUG. n. "A vast mass of villainy, that cannot be reached by legal penalties, or brought within the rhetoric of scorn, would go at large with absolute impunity, were it not through the stern Rhadamanthian aid of this virtuous and inexorable word." (From De Quincey who observed that neither German or Greek had equivalence in describing this attribute which reoccurs with frequence and has such social enormity. pp 71.)
Humbug is an expressive word, about the origin of which etymologists are disagreed. An ingenious explanation, not given in the dictionaries, is, that it is derived from Hume of the Bog, a Scotch laird, so called from his estate, who lived during the reign of William and Anne. He was celebrated in Edinburgh circles for his marvelous stories, which, in the exhausting draughts they made on his hearer's credulity, out-Munchausened Munchausen. Hence, any tough story was called "a regular Hume of the Bog," or, by contraction, Humbug. Another etymology of humbug is a piece of Hamburg news; i.e., a Stock Exchange canard. Webster derives the word from hum, to impose on, deceive, and bug, a frightful object, a bugbear. Wegwood thinks it may come from the union of hum and buzz, signifying sound without sense. He cites a catch, set by Dr. Arne in "Notes and Queries":
"Buz, quote the blue fly,
Hum, quoth the bee,
Buz and hum they cry,
and so do we. pp306.
Words Their Use and Abuse, William Mathews, S. C. Griggs and Company 1876.
Phineas. T. Barnum said, "I am not a humbug." He was the greatest advertising genius and promoter the world has ever known. He used curiosity as a tool, a gimmick that has never been practiced so well. A sign in his emporium pointed "This Way to the Egress." Everyone wanted to see the egress, and see it they did as they stepped outside, only to become paying customers willing to reenter in hopes of being further exploited.
Another of his famous "pranks" involved paying a beggar to lay bricks outside his museum. This was no ordinary bricklaying. For a dollar a day, the worker, precisely laid a brick on the sidewalk, then at a point chosen a distance away, he placed another brick, then another and another until all five bricks had been carefully placed. He then, with military precision, marched back to the first brick, picked it up and carried it to a position advanced from the last brick laid. He carefully placed it in position. The process was repeated until he entered the door of the Barnum Museum, on the hour. A gathering curious crowd watched, then followed him; entering the museum as paying customers.
Barnum was no humbug, Ivins is.
To Humbug Molly, her ilk, and all
Misfortune attend and disaster befall!
May life be to her a succession of hurts;
May fleas by the bushel inhabit her skirts;
May aches and diseases encamp in her bones,
May lungs full of tubercles, bladders of stones;
May tapeworms securely in her bowels give an itch;
This one; if a dog would be surely be called an old bitch.
May used corn cobs from the out-house be snarled in her hair,
May pigeons droppings anoint her as they fly through the air.
May blue-flies buzz round her; an old meadow muffin
And tumblebugs roll balls, she's the finest for certain.
Aroma of skatoles and indoles do hang in the air
Following the presence of this one, not fair.
May the bile spread in her libelous attacks
Splash back on her, this journalist hack.
May all be blessed by her passing
And give Thanks everlasting!
At dusk the no-see-ums
Will seek out and bite some
Sketters will buzz around her head
They leave disease if they bite it's said.
May her skin crawl just thinking of the ticks
The numbers increasing as each one she picks,
She deserves it all, this devil's female kin,
Evil! Sister of cupidity, cradled in sin!
Writing prose with a Poison pen!
Doing harm to great men.
May the death angel
End your spiel.
Til then, May she be besieged by bedbugs that bite
And lice that hide in her drawers and come out at nite,
Avenging H. L. Mencken, whom she compared herself to.
(After K. Q. as quoted in The Devil's Dictionary.)
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(1) The Portable Curmudgeon, John Winokur
(2). The Devil's Dictionary, Ambrose Bierce, Hill and Wang, New
York.1957.
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