Peter Pan: More Better!!

By Courtney and Victoria

With links to most of the 'borrowed' snippets

INT. DARLING HOUSE, NIGHT.
V.O. CONT. : Mrs. Darling was the sweetest lady in London, with a few screws loose and a hidden kiss in the right-hand corner of her mouth. She was an ex-hippie, and had left half her brain in Neverland . . . that is, Woodstock, 1869!
(Mrs. Darling finishes playing random chords on the piano.)
JOHN: Now Wendy must tell a story!
(Wendy prances up.)
WENDY: Once there was a man . . . actually, he was a dragon-man . . .
Michael: Wendy�s turn!
John: Oh yes, Wendy must tell a story!
Wendy: Ahem. He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun.�
Aunt M: . . .)
JOHN: (stage whisper) it�s always the same freakin' story.
AUNT: Ooooh! And other such naughty noises! Are you sure that�s appropriate subject matter??
JOHN: Trogdor burninates the countryside!
AUNT: Ooooh!
MICHAEL: And the peasants!
AUNT: Eeeeep!
WENDY: And their thatched roof cottages!!!
Anyone: Okay Wendy, go back to your creepy comb-over story.
AUNT: Come forth dear, and let me apprrrrrrrrrraaiise you.
WENDY: What the crap?
(WENDY walks toward AUNT, who makes apprrrraising noises)
AUNT: Hmm hmmm . . . why, Wendy has a woman�s chin!
MRS. D: Yes, we told her she could take one souvenir of Paris.
AUNT: (ignores Mrs. Darling) And there, right in the corner - is that . . . a hidden kiss??
MR. D: Have you been taking Mary�s medication again?
AUNT: That�s beside the point. Oh dear Wendy, when you find the one that kiss belongs to, you shall embark on the greatest adventure of all, for those who find it have slipped in and out of Heaven. First you feel kind of warm all over, then you like to lie around a lot, and then painful lumps rise on your body and within a few days you die.
MR. D: I think you�ll find that�s the bubonic plague, Millicent.
AUNT: SHUT UP GEORGE SHUT UP! NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR WHAT YOU THINK!

INT. DARLING HOUSE, NIGHT.
(WENDY, JOHN and MICHAEL eavesdrop on AUNT and MR. and MRS. DARLING)
AUNT: Wendy shall have to have her own room, and move out of the nursery. She must spend less time with her brothers, and more time with me. It�s probably be a good idea to amputate her feet so she doesn�t run away. We should also put her in corsets and beat her with birch sticks until she marries a crazy old man.
MRS D.: I know, can you believe it?
(WENDY, JOHN and MICHAEL are shocked. A single tear rolls down WENDY�S cheek.)

INT. DARLING NURSERY, NIGHT.
(WENDY is asleep in bed, waking to find PETER hovering over her. Her vision is incredibly fuzzy and we only see the barest shape of a figure. She sits up sharply, headbutting him so hard they both scream and PETER�s shadow is knocked right off his feet. The shadow hides in the bureau.)

INT. SCHOOL, DAY.
(WENDY sits at her desk, then pulls out a drawing of herself and Trogdor. TEACHER raps her knuckles.)
TEACHER: If THIS is you in bed . . . what is THIS!
WENDY: Trogdor. Was a man . . . Actually, he was a -
TEACHER: SHUT UP SHUT UP WENDY SHUT UP! NO ONE CARES WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY!

INT. DARLING NURSERY, NIGHT.
(The children are asleep. TINKERBELL flies in, looking for the shadow, then fiding the shoadw, which is all pretty boring if you ask me. PETER grabs the shadow and tries to make it stick back on, to no avail. Getting super pissed, he pulls out a Frisbee, but thinks better of it.)
PETER: (sitting down on the floor) Waaaah, my feeeelings.
WENDY: Boy, why are you crying?
(PETER shoots backwards, slamming his head on the ceiling, owwww... Like a blow from a shovel, or like a dog being kicked in the nuts.)
WENDY: You really can fly!
PETER: No shit, Sherlock. (His head hurts from the ceiling and the headbutt of the previous night. Almost concussd, it looks like he�s bowing to her.)
(WENDY leaps out of bed and curtseys back)
WENDY: What is your name?
PETER: What s your name?
WENDY: Wendy Moira Angela Darling.
PETER: Wendy Moira Angela Darling.
WENDY: Quit it.
PETER: You quit it.
WENDY: I feel really close to you right now.
PETER: I hope we can get married someday.
WENDY: I should like to give you a kiss.
PETER: I should think so.
WENDY: What?
PETER: What?
WENDY: Start over.
PETER: Okay. (holds out his hand)
WENDY: (hands him a thimble) Here, try not to choke on it.
PETER: What a crappy present. Here, have this acorn I found somewhere on my pocketless person.
WENDY: (aside) I think I�m in love.
PETER: (aside) I think I love cake.
WENDY: Peeeeteeeeer . . . I should like to give you a thimble.
PETER: I should think so.
(TINKERBELL kamikaze dives at WENDY, throwing tiny ninja stars (ninja weapons) at her.)
PETER: She says that if you ever try to give me a thimble again, she�ll sue you for emotional damages and probably write a strongly-worded letter to the Editor.
WENDY: This movie gets weirder and weirder.
PETER: Anyway, what happened to Cinderella?
WENDY: Well, she smote the Gamblor, and all was laid to burnination.
PETER: Off to tell the others! Hi-ho Silver, away!
WENDY: Don�t go - I know lots of stories. Mostly about ninjas, but what can you do.
Peter: Come away to Neverland!
Wendy: But what about Mother?
John: Father?
Michael: Nana?
Peter (persuasively, arms flung wide): Come to - the place where the tropical breezes blow! Come to - the coolest place I know! The people are all so great! But really there's only me! And that means I'm so great! And also there's the Tink! Oh there's the Tink . . . !

EXT: SWIRLY NIGHT SKY
NARR: One thing Peter knew was that kids like to be tricked. For instance, he was going to take the Darling Children to Neverland, but instead he flew them to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," he said. "Neverland burned down." They cried and cried, but I think that deep down, they thought it was a pretty good joke. He started to fly over to the real Neverland, but it was getting pretty late.
(Peter and the Darling children are flying.)
PETER: See Wendy, that one's Joe, the cowboy. And that one? That's Alan . . . the cowboy.
Peter: Who�re you?
John: ((Don�t say John Darling, don�t say John Darling . . . )) . . . my name is � Peter � Pan.
Wendy: Captain Hook? I thought he was a myth!
Peter: Well, you were myth-taken. (Laughs hysterically at own joke, at length)

INT: CAPTAIN HOOK'S CABIN, THE JOLLY ROGER
Hook: I was dreaming, Smee . . . of Pan . . . you ever have that dream, where they fly in through the window?
Smee: Oh yes, Captain.

EXT: THE HOOPY NEVERLAND FOREST
Peter: Great news! I found out how Cinderella ended! There was slashing, and stabbing, and KLANG! KER-ANG! And they all lived happily ever after!
Slightly: What�s the point of this story?
Peter: I like stories.
FAT LOST BOY: I was wrong, Wendy is indeed a girl and not a bird.
PETER: Sometimes the most courageous thing you can do is admit that you're wrong, Fat Lost Boy.
SLIGHTLY: That's true.
PETER: Well, except be right in the first place. That takes way more courage.
SLIGHTLY:Also true. I think we should get back on topic. Peter, you were about to show us a swordfighting picture of John and Michael that you received from Wendy?
PETER: Now, we must plan how to get Tiger Lily and your brothers back from Captain Hook.
TOOTLES: I had some thoughts on that, actually.
PETER: Right. Wendy?
TOOTLES: Peter, I have pages of research here that we haven't even touched on. I really think�
PETER: Yes, well. Maybe if we have time towards the end, we could... you know... not get to it.
TOOTLES: Goddamnit, why'd you even send me to the library? I spent two months researching Captain Hook, and you just keep asking Wendy about her... her gay porn pictures!
WENDY: Swordfighting pictures, Tootles.
TOOTLES: No, Wendy. Gay pornography. I'm sorry, but you have gay pornography.
PETER: Hmm. Is that really all you're seeing here, Tootles?
WENDY: That's so sad.

Ed: Here is where I (Leigh, who is putting this rapefest of the brain into html format) assume that Victoria and Courtney overdosed on marshmallows and pocky and gave up actually writing a screenplay, thereby leaving pages and pages of remaining Peter Pan jokes. Great stuff, guys. I've at least attempted to put them in order.

• Aunt M: My, how children are educated these days!
  Wendy: We�re literary.
  John: To read makes our speaking English good.

• WENDY: What are you doing in my room?
• PETER: The real question is, what am I doing in your nightgown?

• PETER: Wendy . . . One girl is worth twenty boys.
  WENDY: You really think so?
  PETER: Oh sure. I mean, boys � pretty dowdy, am I right? Pret-ty dowdy. And girls? Big diff. BIG diff.

• Hook (whispering): Who are we hiding from, Wendy?
  Wendy: (whispering back) Captain Hook.
  Hook: Oh.
  (long silence)
  Hook: Wendy?
  Wendy: Yes?
  Hook: I think things are about to get very awkward.

• Peter (grabbing Hook�s boot): What? A boot? That�s never happened before.
  Peter (gets up): What? Captain Hook? That�s never � oh, wait. That has happened before. Many times, if I recall.

• JOHN: Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.

• WENDY: So, I hear there�s a boy-girl dance down in the fairy grove tonight.
  PETER: Hehe. You don�t know any girls.

• WENDY: Peter�s really been getting on my nerves lately, and I think I�d better have a talk to him about it. Now, time to find my least nagging tone of voice. Peter . . . Peter . . . PETER! Right.
  (...)
  PETER: Wendy�s being a real pain. She�s all, waaah, my feelings . . . I guess I�d better talk to her about it, and I�d better be sensitive, and stuff. Better find my least nagging tone of voice. Wendy. Wendy. WENDY! Perfect.
  (Wendy and Peter walk into the main room)
  PETER: WENDY!
  WENDY: PETER!
  (Words cannot describe how lame this looks on paper, and how cool it looks onscreen.)

• Wendy and Peter have had their "deficient" argument - she pushes past him to talk to John and Michael, and he gets this sad kind of look on his face, like he's thinking Waah, Peter's feelings! Little do they know he's really thinking, Whew. That coulda been awkward.

• CAPTAIN HOOK: Do you tell stories? You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

• HOOK: Once upon a time . . .
  WENDY: Once upon a time . . . there was a boy called Peter Pan. Crazy Peter, we used to call him. Then one day he walked off into the woods and never came back.
  HOOK: You are the worst storyteller that ever lived - you know that don�t you.
  WENDY: Sometimes, your words, they hurt.

• WENDY: "Well, I once thought of calling myself . . . Captain James Hook."
  HOOK: "What? But I'M James Hook!"
  WENDY: "You can be Peter Pan."
  HOOK: "Then who will he be?"
  WENDY: "He can be Wendy Darling. I'm not saying it won't be a little weird at first, but we can all still lead relatively normal lives."

• Hook to Wendy: �Red Handed Jill? What the hell kind of a name is that? We can�t call you that! What are you, retarded?�

• (Wendy is being loaded back into her tree house.)
  HOOK: None of my men will try to follow you, I promise. (Turns to Smee, as the door is shut) . . . So I says to Mabel, I says �

• Wendy gets back from the pirates.
  Peter: "You've been off hanging with that floozy of a pirate again, haven't you, HAVEN'T you? Loooook at me!"
  Peter smashes his glass of port on the ground.

• John: We've forgotten . . . our parents . . .
  Michael: But if it helps, that picture of Legolas on the horse Peter showed us is burned into my memory.

• John: Well, yes.

• Tinkerbell lies dead on the floor. You can visibly see the sorrow on Peter's face
  PETER: Tink!
  Peter slowly lifts Tinkerbell towards his face for a closer look, and in one swift, decisive moment, he shoves her in his mouth, he makes sobbing noises, and slow chews. A single tear rolls down his cheek.

• HOOK: She can�t hear you � she can�t see you � she�s forgotten all about you!
  PETER: Okay, you�re actually just lying, and none of that is true.
  HOOK: Oops! Looks like your neck just walked right into my first there!
  SMEE: Ha-ha, Captain Hook has to put a nickel in the Neck Punch Jar.

• Narrator: Wendy never saw Peter Pan again, but she always had the feeling he was watching over her . . .
  John: Yes, in the sense that he�s right there.
  (Peter waves)

• How weird it would be if we met the Director of Peter Pan. We would, like, walk in wearing our t-shirts saying "Genius" on them, march right up and say, "Mr. Director, in the scene where Mrs. Darling is playing the piano, it is obvious that she strikes the same key twice, and yet two very different notes are played. Can you explain this?" Then James would say to the Director "Let me handle this" then he would look at us and and say "Why do two teenage girls wear tops that say 'genius', when they clearly go to the movies to watch a child's film?"

• How I see it, the above situation could have played out two ways, and here is the other:
  We would, like, walk in wearing our t-shirts saying "Genius" on them, march right up and start kicking the Director in the leg under the table while saying "Can you feel that? What IS that?!" Then James would say to the Director, "Let me handle this." THEN he would look at us and say "I hope we can get married some day." We would giggle at each other, then you would marry Peter and I would marry Hook, and we would live happily ever after.
  NOTE: Hook is played by Johnny Depp.

Ed: Wtf?!?!?!!!11!!1

• HOOK: Sometimes when I feel like killing Peter Pan, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to his house and ring the doorbell. When Peter comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

• John: Your logic does not resemble our earth logic.
  Peter: Mine is much more advanced.

• TOOTLES: Peter killed ten people, and three other people!
  WENDY: Thirteen people?
  TOOTLES: (gives her a weird look) . . . no. Ten people, and three other people.

• JOHN: But Hook�s a sexy bounder!
  (Lost Boys give him a very weird look)
  JOHN: Oh. I guess that was . . . more aloud, than not aloud.

• (Peter lounges on his throne in state. Wendy gives him a really weird look.)
  PETER: What? I�m secure in my masculinity.
  WENDY: You�re secure in my nightgown!
  PETER: Yeah.

• (Captain Hook hangs over the crocodile�s mouth, as the Lost Boys and Wendy shout at him)
  ALL: For shame! For shame! For shame! For shame!