More Games
by Courtney and Victoria
FOR SHAME
Players: One to ??? Shamers, plus 1 (one) Shamee
NOTE: Shamee should not volunteer and can be anything from an inanimate object to the Pope. The best results are obtained from Dogs or the elderly.
To Play: Two players is better than one. First select a shamee, then point at the shamee with the index finger of the right hand. Intone in your most ominous voice:
�For Shame.�
Repeat. Repeat. Repeat as necessary.
Points are awarded, as and when the Shamee does certain things. Such as:
-Ignore you completely. -10 pts
-Say �What are you doing?� Or variant thereof. +10pts
-Uncomfortable laughter. +15pts
-Drop what they are holding. +20pts (For Human or Plant) +30pts (For an Animal)
-Get angry/Super Pissed. +20pts
-Start to cry. +30pts
-Scream uncontrollably. +50pts
-Spontaneous Combustion. +70pts (If Human)(This has only happened a couple of times, but it was pretty cool.) +100pts (For an inanimate object)
The game ends when one of these objectives has been achieved:
If the Shamee can no longer respond to any for of stimulus. (i.e, dead/combusted)
The score of 1000 is reached.
The Shamee points back at the Shamers and the hunter becomes the hunted. This is the reaction wanted. You obtain the rank of Pussywillow!
If the Shamee says �Figwit� the game ends and the Shamee has won. This means you lose, and you are now demoted to the rank of Pussywillow.
The game will NOT end until one of the above things happens. If you allow pity to melt your cold cold heart before this happens, all we can say is �FOR SHAME!�
It is advisable not to start on inanimate objects as these are very difficult, and require years of practice to defeat. Happy Shaming!
and now!
SMART
Victoria: I�m very excited to be explaining this game with you guys!
Courtney: Yes, SMART truly is the game of the future. It�s a privilege to be here today. Penny?
Penny: I�m very excited to be here too. So, what is SMART?
Courtney: Taking an umbrella in case it rains! Ba doom boom chish!!
Victoria: Ha-ha, all very good points. But seriously here, SMART is a simple game Courtney and I came up with, to pass the time while our sword fighting pics were being printed.
Courtney: Victoria and I will now explain it to Penny, and to all you folks at home. (aside) Don�t worry; we�ll use layman�s terms. Penny�s not too SMART! Get it? Get it??
Penny: Guys, I�m right here.
Victoria: Sure y�are. Anyway, to begin the game you will need a small, spherical object - or tennis ball - and a quadrupedal, stupid object, or dog. You will also need a pool.
Courtney: I don�t have a pool. I only have a hot tub. And by hot tub, I mean barrel. And by barrel, I mean rusty old barrel, with no water in it. And no bottom.
Victoria: That�s fine also. Ingenuity wins you fifty Ingenuity Points! We�ll explain Ingenuity Points later. Are you taking all this on board Penny?
Penny: I think so . . .
Courtney: Good, cause this is where it gets complicated. First, let me just say, you�ll need at least two players. One is designated Flippy, one Hambone. If there are more players, you can have Flippy One, Hambone One. Flippy Two, Hambone Two. And so on and so forth. Now, there is no tactical advantage of Flippy over Hambone -
Victoria: - Apart from Flippy Points -
Courtney: Right, apart from twenty Flippy Points at the start of the game. But don�t worry, you�ll make up the Hambone Points later.
Penny: Okay, what does the dog do?
Courtney: What does the dog do? What does the dog do? Victoria, tell our poor simple friend what the dog does.
Victoria: Well Penny, the dog is a wily foe. The dog is the axis of SMART, pitting Hambone against Flippy, pitting Hambone and Flippy against the elements, pitting Flippy and Hambone against, ultimately . . . The dog itself.
Penny: But what does it do?
Victoria: Oh, we�ll get to that in a later section. Now I think is the correct time to discuss Ball Points. Don�t you Courtney?
Courtney: I concur. Now, each player has a turn at bouncing the ball, duration of turn to be determined by Flippy, or, if Flippy is unable or unwilling to decide, it�s up to Hambone to make that call.
Penny: Sounds easy.
Victoria: Doesn�t it.
Courtney: The manner in which the ball is bounced determines the amount of Bounce Points scored, or Ball Merits demerited. By far, your most powerful combo is the left-left-right, or bouncing the ball on the left side, with the left hand, proceeding to catch the ball with the right hand. This doubles your Bounce Points, if your Hambone Points are greater than or equal to fifty, while being less than or equal to seventy-five. Also, should you manage to use your right-right-left combo more than five times in succession, you get the Elijah Wood Powerup! Obviously, only if you�re the player designated Flippy. Once again, I�d like to point out that there is no tactical advantage to playing Hambone or Flippy.
Victoria: Courtney, this stuff is easy! Penny can pick it up while she plays! Now, down to brass tacks -
Penny: Can I ask a question?
Courtney: I think you just did! Ba doom boom chish!
Victoria: All excellent points, Courtney.
Penny: I don�t think it would hurt so much if she didn�t make that weird drum noise. Anyway, can I ask what the pool is used for?
Courtney: I think you just did! Ba doom boom -
Victoria: Actually, if you look at the wording, I don�t think she did. Penny, the pool counts towards your Billy Boyd Bonus, but that�s all you need to know at this point.
Courtney: Oh, that wily Billy Boyd, he�s such a hottie!
Victoria: Courtney, Billy Boyd is a person, with feelings and a personality. He is not just an object for you to ogle at your leisure, like, say, Orlando Bloom.
Courtney: Which actually brings me to my next point: Orlando Bloom�s Elven Fury! This is awarded to the player with the best hair, unless of course said player is Hambone, in which case Flippy wins by default.
Penny: So what�s the best bonus to have?
Courtney: The best bonus to have? The best bonus? Victoria, tell Penny about the You-Know-What.
Victoria: I don�t think Penny�s ready for the You-Know-What. But let�s tell her anyway.
Courtney: Well Penny, this bonus is called Dominic�s Gonna Nick . . . All Your Points! Catchy name, isn�t it?
Penny: (silence)
Victoria: (cough) Anyway, this bonus is awarded as and when the player with the best hair, who may or may not be the player who won the Elijah Wood Powerup, saves the ball from within a hairsbreadth of the dog�s mouth.
Courtney: Gaping maw.
Victoria: . . . Gaping maw, yes. However, if one can perform such a move, all of Hambone�s points revert to Flippy. This is a very delicate manoeuvre, which, if executed improperly, could mean the end of the game and the triumph of the dog. Then you have to live with the shame of being outsmarted by a dog.
Courtney: But no need to apologise Hambone, it�s as much Flippy�s fault as it is yours.
Victoria: Good point. In fact I -
Penny: Guys?
Victoria: Yes?
Penny: Is the point of the game solely to keep the ball away from the dog?
(silence)
Victoria: . . . Well, primarily, yes, but not predominantly yes! I mean, there�s a - there�s a lot more to it -
Penny: That sucks! You just stole thirty minutes of my life I�ll never have back to tell me about a game where you bounce a tennis ball to each other -
Courtney: Now Penny, enough of that. Just because you don�t understand the game, there�s no need to -
Penny: And you guys both got outsmarted by a dog!
(outraged silence)
Victoria and Courtney: (le gasp)
(long silence)
Victoria and Courtney: (pointing at Penny) For shame! For shame! For shame! For shame! For shame!
(Penny leaves)
(short, awkward silence)
Courtney: Man, I can�t wait for this to come out on X-Box!
Victoria: Me neither. God, Penny�s such a Hambone.
Courtney: I concur.
Victoria: Now, about these swordfighting pictures . . .
Courtney: Clang! Ker-ang!
For the tale of the swordfighting pictures, click here.