subject heading:Ask Mortimer
[email protected]
Can ants fly?
-Nathan, [email protected]
Dear Nathan,
Ants live underground in little tunnles. If they could fly, wouldn't they live in trees or something? Or maybe the ones that can fly do live in trees. But then the birds would eat them. I think most that can fly painfully rip off their own wings and choose to live underground where it's safe from birds. Ants can be very cowardly.
Why does Bush want to stomp Iraq when all the left wing democrates are trying to dismantle the very intergrity of the country? Should he be fighting THAT?!
-Frank, [email protected]
Dear Frank
I had a bad fight with a bush as well once. I wanted to build my clubhouse where he was, so he poked me with his thorns again and again. Eventually I had to build my clubhouse somewhere else. One day I came back and the bush was gone, because someone had put a parking lot there! So I put my clubhouse there again. But then I got run over. Maybe the driver was a democrate. Shubbery tend to be very poolitical.
How come girls don't like me? I'm a gentleman, I open doors for them, and I even buy them lunch. But they'll never go out with me when I ask. What am I doing wrong?
-Duncan, [email protected]
Dear Duncan,
What your dealing with is not an uncommon problem among boys. Most girls are very attracted to nice guys, yet they like to hang out with bad guys. This is because of James Bond movie influences on our culture. The girls in them are always associated with the bad guy somehow, so girls think it's cool. But they end up liking Bond for his nifty gadgets and cars. Show off your skills with a palm pilot or programing a VCR, or something easy that they don't understand. They love that, cuz they know you'll help them if a crazy russian spy ever tries to tie them to a rocket.
My girlfriends and I for 3 years have been going out, and it's been great. But now she says she's going to dump me because I don't have a mullet, like McGyver. Even though I like his show, he's not that hot, and I want to be my own person. Should I mullet it or not?
Patrick
Dear Patrick
Mullets are a sign of power, and power is a sign of machoness. What your girlfriend is really saying is not that she doesn't love you, it's that she thinks McGyver is smarter than you. Because he used duct tape to do anything. Girls like duct tape, because it makes good shoes and purses. What you're girl really wants is a new pair of shoes. So go all out. Get her some with double laces!
Why does Donald Duck wear a shirt all day and no pants, but when he gets out of the bathtub, he puts a towel around his waist?
Jenifer
Dear Jenifer
To answer this, you first have to know Donald Duck. If you watch Duck Tales, you'll see that practically all the ducks in Duckburg behave in the same manner. You have to understand that different cultures have different views of modesty. The trouble with you thinking is it is too Americanized. You think you and your peers are the only ones that know how to dress, when in other places, like Duckburg, they have another idea. It's culture, Jenifer. Passed down through generations. Maybe it's normal to not wear pants. Maybe WE'RE the crazy ones!
Can stuffed bears talk?
Anthony
Dear Anthony
In the poaching and stuffing process, a wild bear is killed in the wild and all it's intrals taken out. That would include his vocal cords. Then he is full of a styrofoam substance that holds his shape, so he can be on display somewhere cool, like the Stoney Creek Inn. His insides are gone, but there are other ways a creature of the wild can talk to you. Look into his eyes. Which are fake too, but that's not the point, Anthony.
What is the difference between the number 1 and the number 2?
Summer
Dear Summer,
This question has stumped great thinkers for ages. Since 1 and 2 are mearly ideas, can one simply say 2 is 1 more thatn 1? You may as well say this idea is one idea more than an idea. Is 1 merely a path to 2, or one idea getting to another idea? Abstractly you might conclude that the difference between the numbers is the characterist that one shows over the other, such as 1 is a shaped like an "I" and 2 is shaped like a hook. The letter "I" is abstract as well, while a hook is a physical object. And there is an "I" in the word "pirate" , who are know to have "hooks". I think we're onto something here, Summer...
How come God doesn't eradicate anything, but makes it all eternal and sends them to heaven, or worse, hell?
Lynn
Dear Lynn,
Hm, that's a very potent question. I suppose this proves that God is not wasteful. If He makes something, then He's going to stick to it. Perhaps the law that a created spirit can never die is one He choose to never go against, as the angles never die either, but were cast out. Perhaps if He bypassed that law, it would mean that even He Himself could be eraticated from existence, at which point the entire universe would implode. Of course, God is not a created spirit, but the Creator. I think I saw a Gilligan's Island episode dealing with this touchy issue you may want to check out....
Why is it everytime I pick my nose, it's always full again in a couple of minutes?
Brandon
Dear Brandon,
I myself have pondered this perplex enigma many-a-time. I for one think that we never actually pick buggers out of our nose. They are always there, but touching the inside of our noses causes nerves in our brains to create the halucination that we have a bugger on our finger, when in fact the buggers stayed in the nose. To test this I ate several, and my tongue tricked me as well. You must see past the bugger. There is no spoon.
