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Is it Venting or Hate Speech?

One of the current trends on autism boards, even boards where a large number of participants are themselves autistic, is what parents call "venting". The people doing the venting often claim that it is an emotional release, essential to the well-being of their family. But is it really?

In this venting, the autistic person is typically greatly demeaned, and talked about as a non-person. A parent will talk about how horrible their kid is, how much trouble it is to do whatever special thing their kid requires, how they haven't been able to enjoy a normal life, how they wish he wasn't autistic. While I have no problem acknowledging that raising a kid - any kid - can be very challenging, and some are more challenging then others, I also dislike hate speech.

Hate speech? Yes, hate speech.

Let's say for a minute that I lived in southern California, and found myself out of work. Like some who find themselves in that situation, I could blame immigrants. I could talk about how they take all of the jobs that should go to "American's" (meaning of course people like myself). But that would be hate speech, and any organization involved with minority issues would be quick to raise the flag. Even if I was frustrated, even if I was depressed, even if I was upset. It's not just an emotional release, that type of speech actually may incite me and others to do truly horrible things.

But with autism, it's okay to say the person is defective, broken, and less human. After all, they are autistic...

The autistic hate speech I often see, disguised as an "emotional release" is typically more then justification for feeling awful, it can also be used to justify horrible things - up to and including murder. After all, it is just an emotional issue at this point, and the autistic person is clearly the cause of this emotional issue - at least to the person ranting. The problem is that speaking hate out loud only reinforces hate, and makes those feelings even more intense. Talking about how much you hate those "niggers" or "spics" doesn't make you more tolerant of racial diversity - quite the contrary, it reinforces those prejudices. This doesn't change when it is hate speech about autistics instead of races.

When an autistic objects to seeing another autistic blamed for every problem in the world (or at least within a family), the autistic will often speak up and cry foul. The reaction of the venting parent to this is, "I came here looking for support! How dare you interfere with that." Translated, this is, "I came here to shout about how horrible autistic people are, how dare you like yourself or think the world should be better for people like you."

But I guess that isn't really hate speech. It's just emotional release.

A Note to Parents

I do not hate parents. I do not think every parent is wrong when they vent. However, I do think hate speech is wrong, even if it is also "venting." I have no problem with parents talking about how hard their life is, their struggles, or other problems that have an emotional component. But I do ask parents to consider how their words will affect autistics who may hear them, and to have consideration of us. It's possible to vent and share your pain without demeaning us or your children in the process. I also ask that you consider whether speaking words will serve to reinforce feelings of anger or blame towards autistic people, or whether it will simply help you deal with a stressful situation.

For the parents who already know this, thank you for treating us with respect.