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Quality of Life and Autism

I've only lived slightly less than 30 years, so I'm hardly at a point in my life when I can look back through all of it and comment on whether or not it was good. In fact, when I look back on my life now, I see about 10 years of enjoyment and twice as many years of deep pain, abuse, and loneliness. I wouldn't trade the last few years for anything, though - I've had the chance to experience a good life. Not just a good life "for an autistic" (as if we can't have a good life), but a good life for any human.

What has changed?

Why is my life as an adult so good while my life as a child and teenager was so miserable?

Less Abuse

First, the abuse was removed. At school, I was the target for the bullies. I didn't fight back. I couldn't. I still have callouses on my heart from the abuse, still find it hard to tell someone that I like them (I fear they will turn around and tell me that they were only teasing me, and, honestly, I'd rather not hear that anymore). I miss the passion and great joy I was able to express until I learned how awful that made my life (I want this back, though, and some of it has come back). When you are being physically and mentally abused, when you are being ridiculed continuously, and when nothing you can do is "good enough" to gain acceptance of others, your life sucks. You don't feel like getting up in the morning, you don't feel like doing anything, you don't want to live. Suicide seems like a better outcome, even if you have no idea what comes after death - it is hard to imagine that it can be worse then the hell you are experiencing on earth.

I'm away from the humiliation of my childhood. Just as common as the intimidation and the pain was the humiliation. I had the misfortune of experiencing many different forms of humiliation. I can't express this in words, because it hurts even now. But it isn't still going on in my life today.

When I got away from my hometown (graduating was NOT enough, as the jobs I took there still had people I knew from high school working at them, and the abuse simply continued), I got away from my abusers. I escaped. I could walk down the street, mostly, and not worry about someone attacking me (although this irrational fear still comes back, as a reminder of my childhood). I can talk to someone with less fear of rejection now, although my childhood ghosts still haunt me. For instance, I don't think my inability to initiate conversation with someone I don't know is entirely due to my autism, but is partially due to abuse. These things are still with me, but in a much weaker form then they were when I was growing up.

Having a Purpose

Another thing that has changed is that I moved from the world of school into the world of work. At school, I was a failure. I didn't do very well academically except in the rare class where my executive function didn't get in my way. I did even worse socially. I didn't enjoy school, nor did I want to be there. But being home during, for instance, the summer wasn't much better. I needed something to do, something that helped me feel that my life had a purpose. For me, this is pursuing my interests. My main way of pursuing my interests is to work. When I was a child, I learned (through teasing and humiliation) that it was much better to do "normal" things then to pursue my interests. But as an adult, I'm actually rewarded for my interests. I get paid to pursue them.

I don't think it is paid work that is important as much as it is that I have a chance to pursue my interests, receive recognition for my abilities, and have my financial needs are taken care of. There are other ways of achieving these things besides working, although working is the common way of doing this and is the means I have of achieving them. I'm actually paid to spend the day (most of the time) doing things that I love to do!

Now, no job is perfect - most jobs in my type of work have too much intra-office politics. But, the job also has several things that help me - built in supports if you will. I'm the "expert" at the thing I do at work, so my opinion is respected and usually followed. I'm doing a job that adapts to the person who fills it, so no one specifies every little thing I should do - I'm allowed to fill my day as appropriate. And I have some understanding coworkers. Basically, the job provides for me financially and allows me to pursue my interests without too many negative effects. I enjoy the kind of work I do, in fact I love the work! As Temple Grandin often says, autistic people are often defined by our work. I couldn't work most jobs, but I have been lucky enough to find one which has the supports I need (my employer doesn't see these things as supports, but simply as things that help me be more productive).

Friendship

The third thing that makes my life a "good life" is deep friendships. I can't have shallow friendships - I don't know how to enjoy someone's company when all we talk about is the weather or how some sports team did last week. I can't have many friends. I'm not able to maintain more then a handful of relationships - I simply don't have that ability. So while an NT might have a wide circle of support, at any given time in my life I can only maintain 1 or 2 friends as my active support network. Right now, this is lacking in my life from where it was a few years ago, and I hope to have a close friend (someone I talk with more then once a week) soon. But I've had relationships which are very deep and very supportive. They gave me the energy to survive and they give me hope for the future.

In the past, I spent a lot of time with a married couple. They were very close to me. I was as close to family as you can be without being a blood relative or marrying them. I knew their struggles and they knew mine. I could visit them and sit in a corner rocking, just enjoying their presence without their interaction - or I could interact. They could do the same with me - it wasn't a one-way relationship by any means. I'm still their friend, but they've moved far away so it is hard to have the kind of friendship I really need. But I've had it and I know what it is like. It is wonderful, and it is something I don't think many people get to experience.

Most NTs marry a partner for their support. That option isn't available to me (it isn't something I want). But I still need a close and intimate relationship with other people. A lot of people claim that autistic people don't need friends. But, we do. And we often need deeper friendships then NTs need, because we have less of them. I wish I knew the secret of creating friendships like this, but I don't. I have had several of them in my life, though, and I cherish each one. They've brought me great joy.

Other Support

There are other things which have contributed to me being able to say I've lived a good life. Things like having a stable place to live that is under my own control. My religion brings me joy and strength. Having met other people like myself has brought me joy.

It is possible!

So, I know it is possible for us to live a good life. I also know that a lot of us aren't living a good life. I fear that without another close friendship, I won't be able to maintain this good life for myself. And I know a lot of people probably read my words and say, "Yes, but you were lucky and this just makes me feel worse, since I don't have these things." That isn't my intention. I know I've been very lucky. But I also know that these things can all change in the span of a year or two - even after two decades of misery.