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This month's featured author is Killa. Killa writes TOS fanfiction and three of her stories are featured on this page.

If you're a fanfic writer and would like to be featured on this page, please drop us a note at [email protected] We'll also gladly take recommendations for writers whom you think deserve to be "in the spotlight."

Name: Killa

Website: http://seacouver.slashcity.net/

Tell us a little bit about yourself.

I'm a designer and software developer by day, fannish reader, writer, vidder and artist by night. ST:TOS predates me, but not by much.

How long have you been writing fanfic and how did you get started?

I first found out that Star Trek fandom and fanfiction were still around in 1994, when I stumbled across the Star Trek message boards on AOL. I was immediately hooked on the idea and trolled the newsgroups looking for any original series fanfic I could find. There wasn't a whole lot, and it wasn't long before I started typing away on my own story in every spare moment. Next thing I knew, I had two story files going on my hard drive. What I really wanted was to read some K/S stories, or at least meet someone I could talk to about the idea. Finally, I got brave, or maybe desperate, and decided to try posting chapters of a story online to try and find some other K/S fans.

How long have you been a Trek fan?

Since 1981 or so, I think. Whenever The Entropy Effect came out. Seeing the premiere of The Wrath of Khan sealed it.

What is your favorite series to watch? To write for?

The original series.

You write a lot of K/S fanfic. What drew you to this pairing and what do you enjoy writing about it?

I don't think anyone ever asked me that before. It's funny, I read a lot of genfic, and a good amount of het adult fic, especially if it has Kirk in it. But the themes I want to write about seem to fit very well with my general affinity for slash fanfiction, and with Kirk and Spock in particular. I like to write about the inevitability of loss, and the fear of rejection and self-revelation that bars us from intimacy with one another. I think these two conflicting forces have been very important in my own life, and so I identified very strongly with Spock as someone who guards against intimacy and self-revelation, and empathized with his warring impulses against emotion and towards connection with his human shipmates, and Kirk in particular.

Watching the series, and especially the movies, I saw a profound intimacy between Kirk and Spock, the kind that leads people to say things like, "You are closer to the captain than anyone in the universe," or "You? At his side -- as if you've always been there and always will be." Again and again we were shown how deep the connection between those two characters went, and yet, because of their chosen paths as a Vulcan, as a captain, as an officer, the times when it was okay to express that connection aloud were rare and fleeting. Still, the profound understanding and trust between them seemed, to me, dramatically more meaningful and lasting than any other relationship either man had with another character. In my empathy for the characters and the risks they were taking to allow themselves to care for one another so deeply in the face of danger and their own fears of intimacy, I found that I wanted very much for them to be allowed to make a more lasting connection, to find comfort and acceptance in a profound way.

I have read a few (very few) stories where this connection happens without taking the last step into a physical relationship, but the sexuality of K/S allows it to happen in a real, physical way that I find very satisfying. ;-) We are never more revealed or vulnerable than we are during sex, so the rewards of intimacy and acceptance are greater.

Tell us a little about "Bitter Glass." We found that story to be an intensely compelling portrait of Spock and your attention to detail, ie using Vulcan and Romulan phrases throughout, added dimension to the story. What sparked the idea for that story?

Thank you very much. :) Beth M. and I got into an email conversation several years back about Spock's off-screen love life. We talked a lot about the kind of woman he would choose for himself if he were to get married, and how it would affect his relationship with Kirk. At some point, the conversation wandered off on a tangent about the flaws we both saw in the later Trek movies, especially in Star Trek 6 and 7 and in Unification, and how we wished we could "fix" the characterization and canon problems we saw in those movies and episodes. I started writing Bitter Glass around the same time she started writing Last Dance, as I recall, and we were comparing notes a lot and writing about some of the same ideas in very different ways. I put some of those ideas together with the great portrayal of Saavik that Carolyn Clowes and Vonda McIntyre gave us in their Trek novels, and the story quickly grew a mind of its own.

Out of all the stories you've written, which is your favorite and why?

Out of the Trek stories I've written, probably Cover of Night. I see a lot of huge flaws in all my stories these days, but that one came fairly close to what I intended it to be.

Do you have a section of that story you'd like to share with us?

Hmm... the things I like best about that story are mostly phrases here and there, but I did really like this scene:

******

It was late when he came to my quarters. I read the document he handed me in silence, keeping my face so still it hurt.

I looked at it for a long time, reading the words over and over again, slowly, the shapes of the letters feeling sharp and painful in my mind. I didn't look at him and he didn't move. He just waited. At last, I met his eyes.

"You don't have to do this."

"Indeed? Command has not left us many options."

My heart hurt. There'd been no discussion. He'd never considered for a minute that I should be the one to leave.

"The Republic is a good ship," I said hoarsely. "You could do good work there."

I thought for a moment he wouldn't answer me. His eyes were as shuttered as I'd ever seen them. But at last he looked away.

"I do not have to tell you why I will not take the posting."

He didn't. The thought of staying on the Enterprise without him there was almost unbearable.

"But why resign, Spock? Surely--"

His eyes flashed darkly. "You know why."

To draw fire away from me, of course. What other reason could he have?

Desperation made me think wild thoughts. "We'll both resign then. Go somewhere where we can make a difference. Hell, we can go to Vulcan if you want to. The VSA would kill to get you."

His voice betrayed the effort this was costing him. "You cannot change what you are, not on Vulcan or anywhere else that we might go. Just as I cannot. I will not see you give up your command for something you have done everything in your power to resist." His gaze faltered. "You would not thank me, Jim."

I rose and went around the desk. He didn't back away from me, though I saw it was a close thing.

We still couldn't say the words for what we did. The weight of the eyes on me in the corridors of my own ship, on the bridge, had been one of the most difficult things I'd ever endured. I could see my shame hidden in their eyes. James T. For Tomcat Kirk, shining example of a starship captain--who would have guessed?

The curious eyes, prying... how much worse was it for him?

It hit me like a gravity well that he was really going. All our silent treaties hadn't been enough.

"I don't want to lose you," I said recklessly. "I... don't think I can lose you."

His face was stark with pain he didn't try to hide from me. "I had hoped you would come to me freely, but circumstances have taken that opportunity from us. Let me go, Jim. We have already done enough damage to one another, have we not?" His eyes were far too gentle with me. "Give ground and live to fight another day. It was you who taught me that."

"Another day, Spock?" My voice caught.

His was a whisper. "There are always possibilities."

He did not lie, except perhaps by omission. I should have heard goodbye in his voice. I should have remembered how good he was at giving me what he thought I needed.

At last I picked up my stylus and signed the appropriate line, just under his precise, elegant signature. I handed the slate to him, reluctant to release my hold on it. "I never meant for it to happen like this."

"You never meant for it to happen at all."

"And you did?

His mouth curled faintly. He started to go.

"Tell me something." There was something wrong with my voice. It didn't seem to want to work right. "Was it me, that first time? Or was it you?"

He stopped near the door, his back to me.

"Does it matter so much?"

"It does to me."

There was a great weariness in his stance. At last, he looked back. "And if I said that I had thought of you? Which of us would you then condemn more, Jim?"

I couldn't answer that, and in another moment he was my cool, logical Mr. Spock again.

"Live long and prosper, Captain."

******

When you're reading fanfic, what are you looking for?

First, I want the characters to sound and act the way they did in the series. Of course, the writing on the series wasn't always consistent, and characterization is always subjective, but I want to 'hear' the characters speaking when I'm reading. Second, I like stories that evoke emotion, and reveal something about the characters I hadn't known before. It can be a big something or a small something. Third, I look for a writer who respects (and preferably loves) all the characters. Very little will make me drop a story faster than an obvious authorial prejudice against one or more of the characters. Finally, I like prose that flows and pleases my ear but doesn't think too much of itself.

Okay, you can stop laughing at me now. <g> I got better!

Every author has a "must read" fanfic list. What does your list look like?

Wow, that would be a big list. There are a number of writers online whose work really sends me, especially Hafital, Jungle Kitty, Beth M., jat_sapphire, Rabble Rouser, UKJess, T. Jonesy, Syn Ferguson, Jane St Clair, Claire Gabriel, Kathleen Dailey, Chris Dickenson, to name a few. I also consider that the Talking Stick/Circle series by Macedon and Peg Robinson is an absolute must-read for anyone who ever saw Voyager -- it's kind of the pinnacle of fanfic for me in a lot of ways, even though Voyager isn't my favorite of the Treks. Then there are a huge number of zine writers whose work blows my mind -- too many to name, I think. Michele Arvizu is at the very top of the list, and Gayle Feyrer, and Kathy Resch, who also introduced me to fandom and K/S.

Do you have any advice to share with other fanfic writers?

I seldom have advice for anyone. <g But, write! Don't listen to the negative voices. Write some more. Don't make excuses, just do it. This is really advice for me, but I'm sure it should be said to other people, too.

Anything else?

Thank you very much for including me in your site, and thanks to whoever nominated me -- I was really touched. Sometimes I think internet fandom is a bit too intense, and that we really weren't meant to spend so much time engaging in intimate dialog with people we've never met before. Sometimes list culture can become very harsh, and I get the feeling that there's a kind of road rage going on, that people feel it's okay to spread negativity around at will because they're anonymous, and they can just move on to a new forum (or fandom) if things get too unpleasant. Being mentioned on your site and in such good company was a really nice reminder of how thoughtful fans can be sometimes, and I needed that. Keep it up!

Ghost in the Machine - This is one of the strangest stories I've ever written. It's a Voyager/Classic Trek crossover, and it started with a challenge. At the time I had a huge crush on Tom Paris and was lamenting to the lovely Jaeti that it was just too bad I couldn't write a story about my two favorite blondes--Paris and Jim Kirk. "Why can't you?" she asked. "You should!" I was stuck on Bitter Glass at the time, and this was kind of a way for me to get some closure. It can be included in the timeline of Bitter Glass if you like, though it was written during the first season of Voyager (prior to The Chute) so there's not much canonical stuff as far as the show goes.

Surrender - The Captain has been through a rough time, and needs someone else to take the reins for a while. This story contains dominance/submission issues in a consensual relationship. Please don't read it if that bothers you.

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